Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Holidays I Forgot to Celebrate and Other Things That Are Not About the Man Fucking the Hornet's Nest

Right, so I was all primed to write about that Swedish guy who died after fucking a hornet's nest (64 stings to the genitals! Hideously enlarged genitals!) except for the very annoying fact that the story turned out to be a hoax.

That's all I had, so I turned to you, dear readers, to come up with the rest of the post. And luckily, you were all over that.

Tricia, for example, shared the news of International Clitoris Awareness Week with the 1,295 citizens of In Bed With Married Women's Facebook page.  The event was organized by "Clitoraid," a Las Vegas-based group usually devoted to helping victims of female genital mutilation around the world. Unfortunately, the holiday was last week, so you are free to resume your usual baseline level of clitoral awareness. I bring it up, however, just so that I can say that "Clitoraid" sounds like the worst drink ever.

However, if you bought a bunch of festive clitoral holiday lights on clearance, hang 'em back up over the mantle, because Leah emailed the important news of a Masturbate-A-Thon to celebrate Masturbation Month.  "Are you participating?" she wrote, in what I took to be an unkind manner. I actually should have known about this since it was started in 1995 by my corporate overlords at Good Vibrations. (2 day free shipping if order something thru this link and spend $150+, which is spendy, but it is your genitalia...) Unfortunately, Leah, I will not be participating in any of the festivities because public masturbation and ejaculation contests just make me want to put plastic slipcovers over everything. And not in a cool plastic fetish way, but a weird uptight lady way. 

Meanwhile, lovely Brit Dicky Carter, who uses excellent words like "knackered" (translated from the British="tired"), sent along the article "Deep Inside the Biggest Little Dildo Factory in Texas" which is worth it for the pictures alone. Like this one of a woman facing yet another day of dildo vein-painting:
*sigh* 
 
xoxo
jill

P.S. I am housesitting and using my friend's computer.  Should I leave the photo of the dildo-painting lady on her computer? Her search history is already now a ravaged, slutty mess and I've only been here a couple hours. (Moral: It is unwise to let me housesit.)

(photo: Lady Cheeky)

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

There's a "Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest" joke in there somewhere....

JackJuste said...

Totally leave that on her computer. It's hilarious. More so with the caption.

jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous, indeed. New goal in life: don't die comical death.

JackJuste, ok, I will blame you if it comes to that.

Zannie Q. said...

The Brits have the best innocent-yet-filthy-sounding idioms in the world, don't they?

jill Hamilton said...

Zannie--I know! Knackered sounds so like that!

Jenny Lyn said...

You should leave her that photo as her screensaver.

What a strange job to have. Can you imagine that on a future resume? I worked in a dildo factory. Duties: Making fake dicks look more realistic and veiny.

jill Hamilton said...

Jenny Lyn, Imagine the work dreams...

ValdVin said...

I thought this particular Awareness Week wasn't real, because I first heard about it at the Someecard.com website, at which point my wife and I started making celebratory plans.

And when you say "I am housesitting and using my friend's computer...Her search history is already now a ravaged, slutty mess..." sounds like she should count herself lucky her computer is the only thing you're using.

in bed with married women said...

ValdVin, Merry Clitorial Awareness Week! Have you tried a cup of delicious clitoraid?

ValdVin said...

Have I? Every chance I get!

But where are the Fun Runs? They can't have an Awareness Week without a Fun Run, can they?

(Disclaimer: Any thought of being discreet in this corner of the internet is a Rubicon I crossed ages ago.)

in bed with married women said...

update: my mother (i know) pointed out that the link to the "things rich moms do" linked to the workin' in the dildo factory article. it's now fixed,though i did like the randomness of the wrong link...

Shaquille Davis said...

that utopian matriarchial society thing is a bunch of liberal retard propaganda women are not any bettr in power than men

drandrea said...

that quote: "you are free to resume your usual baseline level of clitoral awareness" is one of the best things you've ever written, top 10 i think ;) still giggling at it :) xo

in bed with married women said...

thanks dr. andrea! this was from 2013 and i hadn't looked at it since. i also never saw the comment above yours that would have made a stronger point had it been, like, spelled properly.

Mongo, At The Moment said...

For some reason, I feel the urge to translate: "You are free to resume your usual baseline level of clitoral awareness" = Du bist Ihren normalisch Standlinie Kitzliches Erkenntnis Bezugsebene frei zu fortsetzen.

Reads like stereo instructions. Probably one reason German is not known as the 'language of passion'.

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