Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Big Ass Giveaway! (Note: Not Giving Away Actual Big Ass. This Time.)


Yes, I am rich in sexy items and wanted to share some with you, in some sort of fucked up way of saying Thank You.

So, like Eminem, I'm Cleanin' Out My Closet, but finding sex toys instead of psychological damage. (Oh, there's plenty of that back there, too. I'm not completely deluded. Just didn't seem like that fun of a prize.)

Here's what I have for you today. (For the record, I don't get any kickbacks or anything for these, I just like sex and am super thrifty--a delightful combination. I can't stand that these would be going unenjoyed, like lonely little residents of the Island of Misfit Sex Toys.)

1.  Autoblow 2

This is a pretty major blow job machine. Kind of like a really big fleshlight, but it plugs in and does all the work itself.  Comes with a "B" size insert, so I suppose you or your lover should have a B-sized wiener (as opposed to A or C). Generally costs, like, $160 bucks.

2.  Slaphappy Bendable Couples Vibe

The Autoblow people gave me an extra one of these as well (again, don't worry, it's a different one!) and I love it. It's a nice, pretty strong vibe, though I don't get the aspect that it's also supposedly a G-Spot vibe. It's pretty damn wide and I was not gonna put that thing inside of me. Also can be pressed into service, as it were, on a guy during general fuckery or hand/blow jobs.

 3.  Wicked Awaken

A "stimulating clitoral massaging gel." It's vegan, and herbaly, is created "to heighten sensitivity and enhance libido." That sounds good, yes?

 4. Fill Me In:  Adult Colouring

A groovy Adult Colouring Book created by a super cool, sex positive chick named Sarah who is British and wastes extra "U"s like they're free. Also included is a greeting card with the image there at left and a colourable desk calendar which is now only semi-usable seeing that it's already March. (My fault).  Love her and want to support the fuck out of her.

5.  PrimalDerma
PrimalDerma is skincare lotion/goo/slipperyness that's made from beef tallow. Which sounds kind of gross, but actually is kind of a non-issue in any ways that you'd suspect. I have been rubbed down with this stuff and it was pretty fucking amazing. It's slidey, but absorbs into your skin insanely well, so you can have your way with it in a variety of ways.

I actually have more stuff: a "jumbo" butt plug, a vintage issue of Hustler and such, but I grow weary with you now.

Let me know what you want* and we'll get this started, motherfuckers.


*Contest Rules:  Tell me which one(s) you want, in the comments below or via email at jillhamilton001@gmail.com. I'll pick a random winner for each thing. I'll even ship that $%#@ to your door at my expense. And I won't even be a child and write what's inside in huge letters on the outside of the box. Deadline is March 18. 

In return, perhaps you could do a solid for the blog:

--Like the IBWMW Facebook page or like a post or two there.
--Follow on Twitter.
--Share a post, this contest, or tell someone about the blog.
--Mention the blog in your prayer group.
--Fantasize about the blog during a private moment.


Marla said...

Wicked Awakening ��

Marla said...

Oh and primal derma too

Marla said...

Oh and primal derma too

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Autoblow or wicked awaken!!!!!

BTW - I fantasize about your blog during a private AND public moments.

Cynthia said...

I'd like the Slaphappy.

AM in Rochester said...

Auto blow and slappy! These could be life-changing prizes....

Cagey-C said...

Autoblow or Slaphappy would be way lots of fun. And I'll totally mention you in prayer group, and maybe get partner to scream an O, My God and a Hallelujah.

I.Akirov said...

Well, I think I'll be happy with the Fill Me In Coloring Book ;-)

Trisha said...

I want the vintage Hustler sooooooo bad. I will both do good orgasm-equality, feminist work with it by SSL reviewing it from cover to cover in a very special IBWMW-won Vintage Hustler Review Series for my blog, and I will also masturbate to it, because that's the kind of person I am.

Jill Hamilton said...

Marla, I'll throw your name in for both. Winners announced 3/18.

Cynthia, Joe, AM, Cagey and I got you down too. There were a LOT of entries via email too so we shall see.

Except Trisha, we shall not see on you because I love your note so much that you just won that fucker. Send me your address and I will have it in your mailbox anon.

Jill Hamilton said...

ps Joe, thanks. glad my blog is getting some decent action.

OldGuy said...

Hmm, Well now that I am actually paying for my fun... Jill you are fabulous. Smart, thoughtful, hilarious (haven't laughed that hard in a long time) Wish that I had this info long (40 yrs)) ago, as I may have been a better lover. And a better husband. (sigh)

Looking forward to more of your great commentary.


Mongo, At The Moment said...

Well, I'll just Dog-Pile on: Sex and sexuality, in all its everything, has no finer chronicler or discriminating critic. Plus, you're funny, Jill -- and writing about anything without humor (sex, in particular) is the difference between a textbook and art. Can we get you a Pulitzer? How do we organize that?

Or, as one of my god-children once said when walking into a park with no playground equipment, "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing."

Harleyq said...

Not sure if the contest has ended but if it hasnt I would be wanting the AUTOBLOW. Lord knows that would "come" in "handy" for those instances where you really aren't "UP" to perform. I think every household should "engage" one, and I know i would have pursued one sooner had I known they existed!!

Jill Hamilton said...

harleyq, too late, the labor-saving wonders of the autoblow with have to stay in the house of the future for now.

mongo, holy fuck, that is so kind. thank you!

steve, thank you for donating and venturing into the dangerous backwaters of the blog to read and comment!