Monday, April 2, 2012

Reader Mail Tuesday: Canned Vagina Haiku, Bestiality, and Girdles for Sex

Woman demonstrating early belly-hiding technique
Even if I didn't make tens of dollars a year on this blog, I might still do it because of the mail. Oh, child, the mail!

Like this from Matt, who I suspect is from a Foreign Land because he signed off with a "cheerio." ("Cheerio," is, what? Japanese?) Matt, who we've just determined is probably Japanese, was inspired by the posts on bad erotic haiku, and wrote:

Damn!  I'm too late to the party. again. Well, I'll send the haikus that came to mind, using the funniest things I've read on your site:

rubber mangina
in his face.  his erotic

alone with redtube
out comes the canned vagina
can he use it twice?

Like all truly good poetry, Matt's haiku made me Think and Feel. I felt sort of like I might yak. Because I had never pondered the reusability, or lack thereof, of canned vagina. Do you just sorta rinse it out when done? Do you wait until it's full of splooge, then toss it? Neither of those options sound too great, but just tossing it after one use seems like a waste of Perfectly Good canned vagina.

Other non-productive thought spirals: Is canned vagina a third incarnation in the science of Vagina Preservation? Maybe early prototypes--frozen and freeze-dried vagina--seemed good in the laboratory stage, but didn't work "out in the field."

I do, however, suspect that they found an after-market for the unusable freeze-dried vaginas. My mother buys these supposed "dried peaches" at Trader Joes which have an odd aroma and, well, here, have a look at them.

Exactly. I think we're all know what's going on here. (One purveyor of these "peaches," perhaps trying to "cover their tracks" has this secret clue helpful fact on their web site: Both members of the rose family, peaches and roses have in common an intense scent that can evoke strong response. "Intense scent," "evoke strong response" = code for "yes, these are totally dried vaginas, bro.")

I could talk about vaginas, canned, dried and otherwise all day, but let's move on to this haiku by Cagey-C (His third! The dude's on fire!)

Wakened orally;
vivid pleasure. Why so ab-
rasive? No! Bad dog!

I am ashamed to admit that I too considered a haiku with a bestiality theme. The last line was "Fido gives good head," which, though containing a haiku-appropriate five syllables, seemed in poor taste, even for me.

And lastly, after the post on women and The Man tellin' them what they should look likeJT alerted me to the existence of shapewear for the bedroom.

Says the web site:

Traditional Shapewear is great to look good in your clothes, but what happens when you have to take it off for intimacy? The tummy you took such care to hide is now hanging out for your partner to see.

That's right. I don't mean to scare anyone, but what would happen if your partner accidentally saw your body during "intimacy"??? (Assuming, of course, that you still had a partner after referring to sex as "intimacy.") Everyone knows the amount of men (or women) who bolt away during foreplay after a woman shows her stomach is well....that number is ZERO. If someone's already in bed with you, sister, they're staying there.

Now. Believe me, I hate my stomach as much as any woman raised in present day America, probably even more. But fuck, now we're supposed to wear girdles during sex?

Yes, no one will have to look upon the horror that is your stomach, but....girl, you're giving up so much! No one can place sweet, soft kisses up the side of your belly. No one can lick their way down between your legs or up to your breasts. That's right, not your breasts either. Because the woman in the picture is also wearing a clearly padded, push-up bra. Which presumably, offers protection from her (not nearly as judgmental as she's imagining) partner seeing or touching her shamefully imperfect boobs.

I looked on the site's FAQ under "Am I saying you should feel self-conscious about your tummy?" I got "Page not found." Maybe because there's no possible honest answer besides, "Yes, you should--to a paralyzing degree!"

And the worst part about it? They're selling it as "A New Revolution for Women."



Betty Fokker said...

I can't snark too much on the girdle because I have often worn a corset in the sack. Sweet Babou loves it. He says all my naughty bits look naughtier. Since all I am doing is lying there like a Starfish, I figure the least I can do is wear something he likes.

in bed with married women said...

Yeah, Betty but you are wearing it for hotness, not shame. btw, i'm glad i know who you are and it's a real comment. when i posted on a candy that covered up the taste of ejaculate, someone wrote in an irate letter about how they LOVED the product blah blah blah, which would have been much more convincing to me had they not been (which they didn't identify) from the anti-cum candy company.

Anonymous said... wait..mwahahaha....oh my giddy aunt, im chortling too much to say anything...corsets indeed.
i will try and be a bit more together next time hahahaha....
cheerio for now!

Anonymous said...

" a Starfish"???

Thanks for ruining Spongebob for me. Forever.

Gia said...

Hahah I love how it goes to page not found...clearly they just got too lazy to create a bs answer.

Anonymous said...

Who wants to wear stuff to bed that fetters access? Seriously!

in bed with married women said...

Liza, I know and just creates additional problems. Sometime that belly's gonna have to come out! What are you to do if you want to take a shower with someone else? Shower girdle? It's madness!
Gia, yes, cowards, I say!
Dan, you make me happy every damn time you comment.