Friday, April 20, 2012

Reader Mail Week, Day 3: Underrubbers, reader has sex with a U-shaped device, and the newest IBWMW Minister

The new IBWMW Minister of Angsty Posing
Yesterday the reader mail was about an exceptionally dickish dude, a sort of Master Ninja of Psychological Abuse, who told his (thankfully now) ex-wife that her vagina was "ugly."  It was all too much. I mean, "Of all the nerve!" as people were often exclaiming in the out-of-date used books I read as a pre-teen. I tell you, that fellow could have used a smart slap across the face accompanied by a richly deserved, "Fresh!"

Today let us return to a happier place in which men and women don't psychologically torture each other. Except, you know, in the fun way.

To that end, here's a review of the We-Vibe couple's vibrator by Sabrina who, with the pluck and aplomb characteristic of all IBWMW readers, bravely got down with the vibe and a guy.

"Meh." That's my whole review. It vibrates, and I suppose it'd work for some women. Alas, I must have "funky vagina" because I couldn't get the rotter to stay in when not actively getting dirty (my vagina muscles of steel would just slooooowly push it out), and DURING sex the stupid thing would torque to the side making it pointless. If I wanted to hold something in place I'd just buy a bullet that has REAL power.

In summation, I think what Sabrina is saying is that a) she has a funky vagina, b) with muscles of steel and c) in foreign lands, "rotter"= sex toy. If you are in England and someone says "rotter," they mean "sex toy" so just make the translation in your head.

If anyone else has tried it the We-Vibe, please feel free to send in a review of your own. I'm especially curious if you've tried the next gen model, the We-Vibe 3 (note: both funky and non-funky vaginaed reviewers welcome.)

Meanwhile gentle reader Ciana Pullen, who I think I might be a little in love with, raised some Very Pressing Issues regarding the post about the Bikini Condom:

I'm a little late to the bikini condom party, but I suppose in the year 2012 we all are. I'm confused. I have so many questions.
--So, the tubal part is automatically inserted into the vagina upon "coitus." Where is the tube *before* coitus? Is it scrunched up like a bendy straw fresh from the package, then the penis stretches it out? When one re-uses it does it scrunch back up or is the tube all stretched out? Does the tube hang down (does it wobble to and fro) like an inside-out jacket sleeve? Sometimes when I shove my arm into my jacket sleeve and the sleeve isn't completely right-side-out my arm gets stuck. It seems an analogous problem might occur with the bikini condom?
--Is it one size fits all?
--To me the term "pouch" suggests something in which a baby marsupial might dwell, and that is truly the most positive connotation, and even then those pouches are only cute when they're in cartoon form. As alternatives I suggest "pussy pocket" "pocket protector for her" "underrubber" "safety knickers" or, if you continue with the marsupial pouch idea, "underoo's."

Ciana, as usual, I have few, if any, answers. But I like your style. "Pussy pocket" is an incredibly excellent name. It's spunky, naughty, kinda cute. (I am also quite smitten with "underrubber.") I am quite certain that today you have discovered your Superpower. Too bad it's thinking of spot-on names for obscure and unloved contraceptive devices. We don't all get to have X-ray vision.

And finally, we have a new IBWMW Minister of Grammar. I'd tell you a little more about them, but I have no idea who it is. They gave themselves the title and, as their first official duty, promptly corrected the grammar in a comment from the IBWMW Minister of Science. I sense some tense moments at the next IBWMW International Summit in Helsinki.

If you need a title of your own, feel free to grant yourself one and start making decrees and such. Why the hell not? Seems I lost control of this thing a long time ago.


And btw, IBWMW Minister of Grammar, don't even bother telling me that "vaginaed" isn't a word.  I just made it up and I love that motherfucking word. Love it! So back off.

(photo: "Moments before, during and after sex," Daido Morivama, c. 1970s)


The IBWMW Minister of Grammar said...

I would never dream of correcting anything you say Jill, I love you and your blog. And you are, after all, the woman who gave the world such delights as fuckiest, and in my eyes can do no wrong. Ever.

Besides, when you invent a word you are entitled to dictate how it should be spelt.

I just could not resist the temptation to correct someone who calls themselves a minister and yet is clearly lacking in education.

My appearance was just going to be a one-off, but as I actually got a mention within a post on this most fabulous of blogs, and am now also obviously invited to the summit I think I best stick around.

Anonymous said...

"Snatch sleeve"?

Anonymous said...

"spelt"? As in "Spelt (Triticum spelta) is a hexaploid species of wheat."

I dub me IBWMW Minister of Homographs and eagerly await the summit.

Ciana Pullen said...

<3 <3 <3

"in foreign lands, "rotter"= sex toy."
Good thing no one told the original namers of the Vaginal Pouch. The result could have been so much worse.

Vanessa said...

I really appreciate the sex toy review. I saw this once advertised on a sex shops website. I was somewhat intrigued, because it seems to offer pleasure for both. With the hefty price tag, figured I would keep going along with my thrifty hand held shower. It's good to know I made the right choice.

in bed with married women said...

IBWMW Minister of Grammar, Of course you are invited to the summit. It is where all the important matters of protocol are decided. Might I recommend that you step lightly around the new MInister of Homographs?

bettyfokker, i LOVE that it was part of your day to sit down at your computer and type "snatch sleeve" to me.

Anoymous (aka Minister of Homographs) please do join us at our table. We will be enjoying the Karelian pasty (karjalanpiirakka), a traditional Finnish dish made from a thin rye crust with a filling of rice. Butter, often mixed with boiled egg (eggbutter or munavoi), is spread over the hot pastries before eating.

Ciana-- I am thinking, if Vaginal Pouch is the name they ended up with--what the hell did they discard?

Vanessa, glad it was of service. always good to know about a sex toy (that's "rotter" for you Brits) before shelling out real money.