Wednesday, June 14, 2017

"I saw this and thought of you."

Whenever someone tells me, "I saw this and thought of you," it's never about helping orphans or something--I don't know--reputable. No, it's always about some weird-ass horse fetish gear or a big honking dildo or something. Or, like this letter today, a big honking wooden dildo.

Writes dear reader Tara, who cheekly titled her email "Family Wood":

So, I saw a story on "Paul Merton in Europe" last night on Discovery World HD & thought of you. [editor's note: SEE!!!] The story was about the Trury family in Germany & they make wooden sex toys. As a family. The mother & daughter literally sit across the table from each other sanding, staining & varnishing dildos. It was fascinating & I had to share! Hopefully you can snag a clip somewhere on the internets. I didn't have any luck. Below is an excerpt from the episode description:

"For his last German experience, Paul journeys south to the picturesque woods that inspired the Brothers Grimm fairy tales. Here he meets the Trury family. While making ornamental mushrooms in his woodwork shop, father Elmar noticed he had created what looked more like a dildo. Thus began a unique family business making wooden sex toys. While Elmar looks after production, eldest son Stefan runs the website and matriarch Maria handles the varnishing."

Here is an article and their website

Love your blog!
Tara, who will never look at a spruce the same way again.

I didn't find any video, but I quite enjoyed their web site, if only for this picture of the mom, Maria. She doesn't look horribly pleased about Elmar's mushroom/dildo epiphany, although perhaps I'm reading too much into it.

I like to picture that moment when Elmar picked up the carved ornamental mushroom and announced to Maria, " know what this looks like?" (Credit where credit is due: Pretty much everyone in the entire history of time who's seen a mushroom thinks, "Hmmm, looks like a penis," but Elmar is the rare person who actually Did Something About It.)

Maria, who knows how Elmar is, frantically searches her brain looking for some sort of non-penis answer, but comes up with nothing. Maria briefly wonders if she, Elmar, and the ornamental mushroom have an intimate encounter in their future and is undecided whether she is pleased or not at the prospect.

I'm guessing something went down with the couple and that particularly fetching mushroom, because you don't just unleash a sex toy on the public without some product testing. And in light of that, I am re-looking at the picture of Maria and have just decided that she's not, in fact, making the face of a long-suffering spouse, but rather has a little bit of a sly smirk happening. Like, "I am going to fuck the shit out of this bad boy once you photographers are gone." The excessively long wooden dildo (damn, girl!) she is polishing so carefully is, I'm guessing, Just For Mama.

Anyway, besides the worries you're probably having about such a big-ass dildo and Maria's delicate internal organs, you're also probably wondering about splinters. Fear not, the family uses a special non-toxic coating and non-splintering spruce wood. (There is no truth to the rumor, which I am starting right now, about Elmar's first wife Inga and a horrible accident with an unstable knotty pine prototype.)

Actually, I love this whole thing. The DIY-ness, the groovy Euro-family living in their rustic cottage (which I am picturing being inside a hollow tree like the Keebler Elves or Berenstain Bears), and the German product names like Barenzunge "tongue of a bear" or Einhorn "unicorn." I even love the delightfully translated web page with such proclamations as, "Wooden toy are feeling warm and lovely."  

I grew up in an open-minded liberal family in the 1970s. I can't imagine a more appropriate homage to that era than expressing my sexually open, eco-friendly, handcrafted, shop local, one planet-lovin' values than making love to a beautiful wooden dildo named after a fucking...UNICORN.  It could only be more perfect if I were also wearing homemade macrame panties while simultaneously reciting Love Is... comics. In Esperanto

And if you're still back on the splinter idea, remember than no sex toy is 100% safe. Or at least not according to this totally gross article, Women Sues Over Wild Vibrator Ride That Sent Her to Hospital, sent in by reader Wendy, who saw it, and *sigh* thought of me.


p.s. re-running this because the last post had weird floating text about a "non-descipt entry hole" hovering eerily over the post. Although if I were to be haunted, I suppose that's how it would go down.

--Let me know if you're having trouble (or not) with IBWMW Kindle subscriptions.
--My newest Cosmo piece The 5 Most Mind-Boggling DIY Sex Toys is up. It spent some time in the Top 10 of Cosmo's most-read articles but has since been cruelly edged out by "Why You Need a 2-Piece Dress."


Can't keep anything to myself said...

Glad the amazon thing worked. Now I just need to remember to use it all the time.

Haha their website is hilarious. I love the translations. They're so... raw. What an idyllic little family. You know, I think I'm jealous. You would never have to worry about explaining the dildo in your night stand to your kids. You could nonchalantly explain that it's just the family business. No big deal. It's art, really.

in bed with married women said...

CKATM--I love the photos of the family members. The older guys look like IKEA designers with their groovy Euro-shades, and even the teen girl got over her sullen teen-ness enough to design her own fairy-style dildo.

Unknown said...

Oh how I do love reading this blog while on a train full of people. Giggles.

You know, if Martha Stewart gets a hold of this idea, shit is ON!

Anonymous said...

New meaning to "farfegnugen" ...

Tara said...

I wouldn't hesitate to give Pinocchio the business if he sported a woody like "tongue of a bear"! The episode also mentioned that the family caters to custom orders, and one such request was submitted with the photo of an eggplant. yikes.

Cagey-C said...

What I love most about the picture of Maria you've included here is the crucifix hanging over her shoulder. It reminded me of another German story from a few years ago:,1518,392005,00.html. Apparently, German Christians have figured out that God doesn't hate their bodies.

Enid Wilson said...

I've written a short story with the hero who was an industrial designer. He needed to design new vibrators and bought heaps of existing ones and asked his assistant, the heroine, to test them. You post made me thought of that.

My Darcy Vibrates…

in bed with married women said...

Annabelle, the whole train-reading thing is pleasingly subversive to me.
Betty, indeed.
Elliot. yes, but is that a good thing or not?
Tara, oh god, thank you again for this. eggplant? i would say that is one of the least sexy edibles, but i have never Known an eggplant in that way so i won't judge.
Cagey--Rushing over to check that out next!
Enid--sounds sexy, but is it cool if I picture the characters in your story not looking like this Maria and Elmar?

Jill Hamilton said...

This just in from the In Bed With Married Women Minister of Science, who should probably be doing something more, I don't know, sciencey or something:

I think the best part of Maria's picture is the crucified Christ on the wall in the background. "I died you you all could do THIS? That's messed up."

cegluna said...

I love this post. But I remain skeptical on using wooden woodies.

in bed with married women said...

Cegluna, yes, i feel concerned about cleaning issues.

in bed with married women said...

since I wrote this, the family-- perhaps inspired by shorter fatter mushrooms--has gone into the butt plug business as well. "Butt plugs" in German is "holzplugs." Which is the rare German work that actually sounds gentler than the English version.

Sparkdarkles said...

Jill you are so great!

Jill Hamilton said...

Thanks Sparkdarles! You are too! Maybe!

Ewu umu nna. said...

That's Lovely and amazing , Thanks so much

OGA Donald said...

This is just amazing : Lovely