Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Swings of Desire, aka, Ovulation = Hormonal Beer Googles*

Is this chick ovulating?  Check out her
clingy clothes, symmetrical boobs,  the
manly companion... Signs point to "yes."

"People like to forget that we're animals, tied to the Earth and the tides," says a friend with a penchant for making such delightful proclamations. Yes, we think we're making rational decisions, exercising our free choice, and all that... but half the time--hell, maybe all the time--we're just blindly responding to our hormonal instructions like remote control cars in the hands of a sugared-up kid. To wit: this study showing that women buy sexier, clingier clothes while ovulating. (To those who spent sex ed class giggling in the back of the class: ovulation is the woman's fertile period. And if you don't start paying better attention, well, don't make me break out my diagram of the female reproductive system.) 

One of the study's researchers--sounding less like a scientist and more like an evil cyborg villain from a future dystopian universe--noted a way that corporations could cash in this phenomenon by hitting up the ovulation-crazed females ready to shell out cash on push-up bras and the like:
"Our findings suggest marketers for many types of female products are well served to strategically time their mailings, coupons, electronic solicitations, and direct requests to the specific window when women are ovulating."
It's evil, I tell you! (And, following the same logic, presumably the marketing flyers for unsexy clothes would arrive a couple weeks later. Hey, JC Penney's--it's your time to shine!) But ovulating women aren't spending all their time just buying sexy clothes, they're mindlessly obeying their hormones in myriad ways. Women's voices get higher-pitched during ovulation, they walk differentlyprefer more masculine faces and are more susceptible to pick-up lines. During this period, they're also more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner. (For your Fantasy Consideration: Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Christina Barcelona where he seduces two women by telling them, "Life is short, life is boring, life is full of pain," thus, they should immediately run off to an island with him for the weekend.)

Transformers Leader Optimus PrimeUm...what was I saying, oh yes, during ovulation, women's bodies change like some mutant Transformer, except instead of becoming robots in disguise, our ears, fingers and breasts get more symmetrical and skin color lightens. (Cue creepy sound effect to signify mutation.) Women actually get observably prettier, and subjects consistently rate ovulating women as more attractive.
And it's not just the ladies going all crazy with the hormones. Men think ovulating women smell better, they get more jealous of dominant males when their partner is ovulating and they give ovulating strippers more tips. ($70 an hour for the ovulating strippers vs. only $35 for the menstruating ones, but I'm guessing that's because the menstruating ones were probably sobbing in the corner, complaining that everyone had become a complete asshole.)

It all seems a little complex. I don't see why humans didn't just adopt the chimpanzee method of the females developing a big swollen pink butt when they're ready to go. It's a simple, obvious and clear signal of willingness. Although, admittedly, the pink butt route has its own drawbacks. Swollen pink butts do in fact make your butt look fat in those jeans, and pink butt makes it much more difficult to play it coy.

Female: Hmmm...I don't know if I'm interested...
Male: Uh, I can see your big ol' pink butt, you know.
Female: Oh, yeah, right....Let's go back to your place then.

Several friends and I have noticed that as we've entered our 40s, our cyclical swings of desire have become much more pronounced. One week we'd rather read a book, the next we're eying the bag boys at the grocery store. (Has the guy who brings the carts in always been so damn smokin'?) It's like when we're into it, we're WAY into it--like Superfreaks--and when we're not, well, eh, whatever. So here are your questions for the day: Are you elderly like us and is this happening to you as well? If so, you always noticed it or are you just becoming more attuned to the rhythms of your body? And you too, men, how is your desire changing as you age? Comment below, or drop me an email.



Betty Fokker said...

Actually, we lost the swollen pink butt and got boobs as part of a hidden estrus strategy. Gross Oversimplification: If you've done guys A, B, and C and none of them know if they MIGHT have gotten you knocked up, they were more likely to defend, not kill, your infant. Plus, you could screw around on the alpha male without him losing his shit ... you already looked a little pregnant, so no biggie.

Can you tell I am an anthropologist?

jill hamilton said...

Aw man, Betty, when you talk like that, I'd Totally do you, pink butt or no.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

This is an interesting study. My girlfriend is on the shot, completely messing up her cycles. I think my libido has stabilized because of the lack of 'ebb and flow' (even though the 'flow' still comes by now and then).

My marketing senses are tingling. I want to open up a strip club where we rotate ovulating strippers in and out, to maximize profits 100% of the time...

Can't keep anything to myself said...

It would be impossible to be a tease with a swollen, pink butt. And you wouldn't want to tease when your butt isn't swollen. I like that men can't "see" when I'm horny, but I can see when they are ;)
Despite being on birth control, there're are still a few days once a month where I just picture every cute guy I see naked and under me.

PS I like your new picture and updates.

in bed with married women said...

Lost.in.Idaho: Something to consider re: your strip club idea. What to do with the menstruating strippers? It would unwise to anger them. Un. wise.

Can't keep it to myself: Now that you mention it, sometimes I think I might as well have a swollen pink butt because i'm so flippin readable. crap. ps. thanks!

Anonymous said...

Now, what I'd like to know is if men frequent adult bookstores for a quick one on a regular hormonal cycle as well?! Do men also go through a testosterone cycle that makes them more horny and more promiscuous at certain times?
Fair play to ask these questions too!

Belinda said...

All I know is how giddy I got watching Javier Bardem walking up to the table in that clip. I was so giddy, you'd think I was the one sitting at that table. Hmmmm, maybe I'm ovulating.

Week Bi Week said...

It is funny that I read this right now, when I am just a few days off from the "OMG I wanna have sex so badly!" kick. I swear that I'm going to participate in a gang bang during that stage someday.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous--Damn! I love how smart you all are! Good question.
Belinda--that is my very favorite. "Life is short, boring..etc. Javier?" Okay, let's go.
Week Bi Week--and you will have to tell us all about it.

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