Tuesday, June 29, 2010

An Open Message To Terribly Disappointed New Readers

To the readers who used the following (real-life!) search terms and found themselves deposited unceremoniously here at In Bed With Married Women, I offer my profuse apologies. I know you very carefully typed in your search terms like, "sexy mail carrier Atlanta," "clitoris video bed boat," and "married woman likes butt touch." I'm just as shocked as you that you ended up here, but fully confident you will eventually find your married woman who likes butt touch. (Helpful hint: maybe wait a few dates to bring up the whole butt touch thing.) And please rest assured that if I knew what a "clitoris video bed boat" was, In Bed With Married Women would make every effort to assure your needs were met.

I sincerely hope that you searchers with poor grammar and/or barely fathomable spelling skills find what you were really looking for. Yes, I'm taking about you, people who typed in "happy to exhibits their inhibitions,""vajazzing in southerb california" and "string bad seks."

Person who typed in "plastic roof ero," well, I don't know what the hell you were looking for, but I'm pretty certain you didn't find it here. Sorry. And to the Internet user who asked their search engine, "Do women like furries?": If you're asking me personally, then the answer is "no." But I'm sure there's a nice little filly out there somewhere who will like your sexy chipmunk costume just fine.

And finally, dear reader who searched for "look at pics of + wifes worn out stretched vagina," I'm not sure why you were directed here, but I have to say that I'm a little miffed at Google for thinking that In Bed With Married Women would fit the bill.

So, to you all, I say: Please, enjoy your .0004 second visit to In Bed With Married Women! Come again any time.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Survey Says... Actually, You Might Not Want To Hear This

As though you didn't already have enough damn stuff to worry about, now two surveys have come out saying that if you're a married and/or olderish person, your sex life probably sucks ass. And not in a good way. (Though I would argue that there is not actually a good way to suck ass, but that is just my personal quirk. If you're into it, you go right ahead and suck all the ass your little heart desires.)

According to a survey in the Telegraph, three-quarters of people over 45 think sex became less enjoyable after they turned 40. The average 45+ person has sex once a week and this Sex of the Week--which is generally done in the missionary position, in a bedroom, with the lights off--rarely lasts more than 22 minutes, including foreplay. And if all this weren't enough, 31% of people had cut a session short because as the Telegraph so Britishly put it, "They were too exhausted to carry on." "Simon, I do say, I am exhausted and can no longer carry on. If you've not come, perhaps a nice wanking off for you, old fellow?" (In marginally-related wanking off news: I was looking up British slang terms for masturbation and discovered --to my horror--that "jill off" is a vulgar term for female masturbation.) But anyway, these Brits are so out of shape they can't even manage a boring session of weekly dutiful sex. Brits, mind you! Not drive-thru window-using, cheeseburger-eating, WalMart cart-riding Americans. I can (all too easily) see being too tired to start sex, but too tired to finish sex? Man, how crappy would you feel if your partner just stopped mid-thrust and said, "Eh, I'm too fat and lazy to continue banging you."

The good news in a study from iVillage was that nearly half of the women surveyed married the person with whom they'd had the best sex of their lives. But it gets more confusing from there. Two-thirds of the women said they'd rather do something else like read a book, go to a movie, etc... than have sex with Mr. Supposedly Best Sex of Their Lives. A huge majority, 81%, described their sex lives as "predictable," but then they go on to report than most of them are quite happy with their sex lives. I was confused by the whole survey until I saw that only 62% of women "admitted" they had fantasized about having sex with someone other than their spouse. Oh, come on! Clearly this survey is bogus. Never fantasized about another person ever? What are these 37% of women fantasizing about?
Mmm, my husband comes into bed for sex because it's Saturday. He is wearing black socks and turns off the lights. We discuss who will take the kids to the Brownie meeting, then with little to no foreplay, we get into the missionary position. After far less than 22 minutes, we have to stop because we are too tired to go on. Oh, God, is anyone else totally hot right now? 
As you might have guessed, this is all leading to some questions for you. Namely:
1.  Did you marry the best sex of your life?
2.  Have you ever fantasized about someone other than your partner?  If so, who?
3.  If not, go back and answer question #2, this time telling the truth, and tell us who.
4.  Do you thinking jilling off is a really bad name for masturbating? Mark "yes" or "definitely yes."

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Hey, Baby, I Treat You Right

Pssst, my kids are gone for a few more minutes so I only have time to fling this contest at you before I rush away, squealing my tires in my haste and setting the neighborhood dogs to barking. Here's the deal:  you can win the spiffy Girl's Night In Kit shown on the left.  I don't have time to tell you just what's in it, but since it's from Good Vibrations--our fave tree hugging, girl-power, San Francisco-based sex toy company--it's a good bet that it doesn't contain scrapbooking doodads. (To see what is in that intriguing little box, click this link.)

Here's what you have to do. Be the first person to tell me what one item in the kit is. You can either answer in a comment below (press the comment button to do so) or, if you don't want the whole world to know that you're vying for free stuff online, feel free to drop us an email.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Major Boobage

If you have absolutely nothing else to do, take a peek at Playboy's oddly fascinating article, Evolution of the Boob. You needn't read the article--I suspect it might have been written by the Playboy office chimp--but do look at the pictures. They trace the styles in boobage from 1950's airbrushed boobs, through pendulous 70s-style breasts, to comically obvious round 80s implants, to the present day, which Playboy seems to think is sort of a golden age of appreciation for all types o' boobs. "...As long as they're bare and attached to a thin, blonde women," gripes Jezebel's Margaret Hartmann in When Your Breast Shape Goes Out of Style. Hartmann makes some good points. Obviously women's boobs aren't "evolving" by mutating into pointy, round, or perky shapes, depending on the trend. Or at least they aren't doing so naturally. If one were to truly keep up with boob fashion, as defined by Playboy, it would require seasonal visits to the plastic surgeon's. "Hey, check out Karen and her winter 2008 boobs. How can she even leave the house like that?"

Whatever. Yes, it's fucked up that boobs have trends and that women feel like they have to follow those trends, but I still say you should look at the article, if only to see the gravity-defying missile-shaped boobs from the 1960s. Does anyone remember the formidable bust lines of moms, teachers and matronly neighbors of that era, jutting out somewhat alarmingly under their sweater sets? This is what they had going on under there?

And consider poor 70s chick, shown below. With those kind of free-range breasts today, instead of high-tailing it over to Playboy demanding to be a centerfold, she'd probably be bereft over what she perceived to be her hideously sagging boobs (and, if the rest of her body is equally 70s-style, making an emergency appointment for a major bikini wax.)

So, no, boobs aren't "evolving." Which, actually, is kind of disappointing. Because if they were, I would totally want some of those awesome pointy 1960s boobs. Besides their most obvious application--mesmerizing others to obey my every whim--I'd also use them to point to distant objects, put people's eyes out, locate water sources, direct traffic, tune the TV... Oh, I would so wield that rack.

Friday, June 11, 2010

True Wife's Tale #4: Chrissy, Married Sex = Smoking Hot

"I'm a flirt and just kind of out there, I guess," says Crissy, a happily married sexual adventuress. Now 39, Crissy has had an exotic sexual past filled with threesomes and the like--"I can't think of anything I wouldn't do because I've done quite a bit," is how she puts it.  Is monogamy and marriage to a man who had never used a sex toy before going to do it for her?  Well, you're just going to have to click below to find out, now aren't you?

(True Wife's Tales are part of a continuing series in which women tell the damn truth about their sex life, no matter how embarrassing, non-existent, hot or enviable it may be. If you'd like to tell your story, drop us an e-mail.)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

In Search Of Elusive Third Type Of Orgasm

Our large and unfairly good-looking staff here at In Bed With Married Women has been combing the countryside doing up to several minutes of top-quality research on the elusive third type of orgasm, the cervical orgasm. We were about ready to toss it in, especially after our beloved science/sex writer Mary Roach mentioned in her book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex that the cervix is so insensitive that 95% of women can't even tell when it is being rubbed with a Q-Tip. (A tip for gentlemen: you might want to rethink that plan of trying to woo your lady with a vigorous session of cervical Q-Tip rubbing.)

But then this message came in, totally screwing up our rigid worldview. Reports this lovely reader, who but of course, wishes to remain anonymous:
Hi Jill- To answer your question about the cervical orgasm- I HAVE experienced them. I used to assume it was a "double orgasm" meaning clitoral and G-spot at the same time (that's how someone described it to me once). But the older I get and the more I experience them the more I know that it is a third, totally different type of orgasm! The only way that I can describe it is instead of feeling like a particular SPOT is having an orgasm..ie clitoris or G-spot, it's like your entire vaginal area is consumed by orgasm and it radiates outward. It releases AMAZING endorphins. I would almost say that it makes you feel high in a very natural way. Now I wouldn't say that I shake for days or anything, but the thought of it the next day will give me a little shiver and my mood for days is impenetrable- all smiles and laughs! They are very few & far between, and quite honestly I have not yet learned how to make myself achieve them ... (wish I could!)
This description is so utterly unlike my day thus far--what with its grocery store trips and whatnot--that I might need to take a moment to go sit in the corner and cry. That said, I have heard many women around

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sorry, No Explicit Pictures Of "Penis In Vagina"

In Bed With Married Women subscribes to a service that lists the most popular search terms people use to get to the site. But what I like better are the unpopular search terms. For some (probably unhealthy) reason, I enjoy picturing people being woefully disappointed when they find In Bed instead of what they were really looking for. Like the person who typed in the search terms "explicit pictures of penis in vagina" and found no such pictures, just some chick talking about weird sex toys and the like. I mean, they could not have been more specific about their Internet desire. Penis in vagina, dammit. Plain as day.

That's not as bad as whoever innocently typed in "footbag," but instead of finding some mellow hacky-sack tips, were transported onto the post about furries who like to play hacky-sack.  Ack! Delete! Delete!

Other unpopular search terms included: "hubby masturbate lovers cock," "can't stop thinking about married women," and "tighty-whiteys." I'm surprised that the person who typed in "fcuiiking married in red deer" came up with any results, let alone this one, and I'm guessing they were quite displeased. And who typed the weirdly clinical phrase: "naked female body parts"? I picture some dude in a foreign land with a shaky grasp of English looking for some porn, but armed only with the stilted phrases he's learned in his English language class, can only come up with "naked female body parts."

But the best one is "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only." This has it all: the odd specificity, the nonsensical phrasing and the utter wrongness of their search results. I actually typed in "Japanese mom had something naughty on her mind free fuck video only" to see just how far this person had to go to get to In Bed With Married Women. I gave up at page 10 after being overwhelmed with the sheer number of weird-ass sites like "Old Grandma Hardcore." (A real site. Type it in if you don't believe me.) Eventually, Google--apparently feeling sorry for my lack of satisfaction in my search--helpfully suggested, "Did you mean to search for 'Japanese mom had something naughty in her mind free fuck video only'"?

I guess the lesson in all this is that, when searching, make sure you don't use an "on" when you mean "in."  Otherwise, instead of the free fuck naughty Japanese mom that you seek, you'll end up with Old Grandma Hardcore.*

*Several hours later:  This is beyond embarrassing to admit, but later in the day, I googled "old grandma hardcore." It was not at all what I was picturing, but instead a blog about a grandma who plays video games. If it's grandma sex you're looking for, I suggest the keywords "grandma porn." In the interest of good reporting (why the hell not?), I did just that, and I have to say, several pictures of naked, sex-having grannies later, I am quite sorry I did.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Scary Sex Toys R Us

Today In Bed With Married Women is hellbent on destroying whatever is left of your fragile sense of innocence and, to that end, we direct your attention to the site Scary Sextoy Friday. Written by Molly Mounds, a self-described "online smut peddler...who encounters many terrifying sex toys on a daily basis," it chronicles the most terrifying toys for your viewing pleasure.  Sex toys--terrifying? Oh yes. Oh god yes.

Consider this product from www.aliendildos.com, which is, that's right, an alien dildo. Because I think we can all agree that when you think of E.T., you think "sexy bastard." And I'm not entirely sure of this but--these look pretty realistic--I think they were probably molded from genuine alien genitalia.

So, yeah, alien dildos. "Oh, yes, Zortoxysys375 from Sector 9, Planet Nebulon, stimulate my inner regions with your scaly member." The alien dildo comes in several different colors because I guess there are people out there who totally want to do it with a purple alien dildo, but a green alien dildo...? No way! That would just be weird! One of the available colors is "glow in the dark," which brings to mind all kinds of scary-ass scenarios involving a glowing alien penis coming closer...and...closer. Aaah! Hide under the covers! It's your only hope!

All products come with a "handy storage bag" so you can carry it around, ever ready in case of sudden hot alien sex possibilities. Also available: alien butt plugs, for the unhappy few not chosen by butt-obsessed aliens doing yet more of their disturbingly frequent anal probe experiments.

If Scary Sextoy Friday had but this one alien dildo post, we would have already been in love. But there are more, including toys shaped like lemons, octopus arms and the Loch Ness Monster. I could tell you about it all day but I don't think that would be healthy for either of us, so you're just gonna have to go over there and check it out yourself. (If you have just a small chunk of your day penciled in for perusing scary sex toy web sites, I recommend the posts from 2009).

Okay, okay, I'll show you one more but that's it.  It's Barry the Beaver, a vibrator with buck teeth.
I will leave you today to contemplate the following Barry mysteries:  1. Why....just why?  2. Was this the unfortunate result of a communication glitch involving a request for a sex toy that looked like "a big sexy beaver"? And 3. Can anyone explain the tighty-whiteys? Anyone? I'm guessing it's a modesty issue but, if so, this beaver is definitely in the wrong line of work.
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