(True Wife's Tales are part of a continuing series in which women tell the damn truth about their sex life, no matter how embarrassing, non-existent, hot or enviable it may be. If you'd like to tell your story, drop us an e-mail.)
“I’m kind of a freak, I guess,” says Crissy, a vivacious, talkative redhead who generally shows a bit more cleavage than is necessary. She’s very open about sex, and all other bodily functions, for that matter. If you asked her, she’d probably tell you all this stuff herself. Crissy is 39 and in a happy second marriage.
Crissy: I’m already having it. In my first marriage, my husband wasn’t great in bed. He had a big penis and he thought that’s all he needed. It was all about him pleasing himself and it had nothing to do with me. Honest to goodness, I never had an orgasm when I was with him. My (current) husband is always making fun of his penis and thinks he’s not large or whatever, but we just fit together really well. The first time we had sex together, he did exactly what I wanted him to do and I had orgasms all night. It was wonderful.
In Bed: How did you first get together?
Crissy: Oh, I’m bad. I was going through a really bad divorce. One night I was at a bar with a group celebrating finishing up nursing school. I was drinking, playing pool and being a flirt like I always am, and I had a group of guys around me. Well, I just wanted to have sex. I wasn’t having any and I was really getting sick and tired of it. So I said, “Okay, this is the deal. I want to have sex tonight. Whichever one of you guys can come forward and be the person who can hold me up in the middle of a room--no walls holding you up--and fuck me 'til I come, you’re going home with me.” And (my husband) steps up and says, “You gotta be fucking kidding me. I WILL DO THAT.” I looked at him before I left and said, “Bring some raincoats and you’re totally in.” I went home and didn’t know if I he was going to do it or not. Well, he came over and followed through.
In Bed: ”Mommy, how did you meet daddy?”
Crissy: I just tell them we met in nursing school.
In Bed: Obviously your husband knew what he was getting into with you...
Crissy: When we met in nursing school, I was a goof and I’d flash people. He knew what I was like and he was still interested in me. It’s completely harmless. He’s mine and he knows that and I would never do anything with anybody else. It’s completely against my morals.
When we were first dating, I used to meet him at the door in different ways all the time. One time I met him with a whipped cream bikini. Or I’d meet him at the door with porn going on in the background and an open bottle of wine. Another time I wrapped myself in Saran Wrap, with chocolate chip cookies on my boobs. Of course he ate it all up and thought it was great, but I could see from the look on his face, it was a little surprising to find a woman that was so adventurous.
My husband thinks it’s funny that I’m like this. When he met me, he thought I was this pristine, preppy, June Cleaver type. I do make cookies all the time, but he had no idea I had another side. I don’t think he’s disappointed.
In Bed: What’s the state of sex in your marriage these days?
Crissy: Our sex life is experimental. I try to open up my husband’s eyes to doing a bit more fun stuff. When I met him, he was pretty shy and didn’t do a lot of different things, even sex in public or in a car or anything like that. Slowly, through the years, I’ve been introducing him to different things to get him to him a little bit more outgoing when it comes to sex. Because I think sex is fun. We laugh all the time.
In Bed: What do you laugh about during sex?
Crissy: The other night, I was making fun of him during sex. I don’t know why guys do it, but when my husband reaches his peak, he’ll go, “I’m gonna come.” I just started cracking up. I looked and him and I go, “Was that necessary? I mean, do you have to announce it?”
In Bed: Perhaps he could issue a memo.
Crissy: The other day we were laughing so hard about everything, like his “I’m coming” face or going into the wrong hole by accident or farting during sex or him farting him my face while I’m down blowing him. Sex is funny stuff.
In Bed: What’s his reaction when you introduce new things?
Crissy: Now that he’s been getting older and we’ve been together longer, he says, “Why didn’t you do this a long time ago when we had more of a sexual drive?” But I think I would have scared him away. I introduced toys and vibrators and stuff like that to him slowly. At first he had the normal male reaction: if you have a vibrator, it’s going to replace them. I kept reassuring him, letting him know that there were other things you could do with them.
Now we’ll go to sex stores together and pick things out that we want to try. We’ve found a great store that has wonderful people who work there. They talk to you about everything. They tell you how to put the products on and show you how to use them and ask, “Do you like how this feels?”
Not everything works for every person. We bought a cock ring with some sort of attachment. It was ergonomically shaped so it would please both people, but we couldn’t put the sucker on. We got it wet. We warmed it. Nothing worked. I know I was hurting him. I was yelling at him “Suck it up! Once we get it on, it will be fine.” We never did get that thing on.
In Bed: Is there anything he won’t do?
Crissy: I don’t think anymore, no. One of the things he thought was absolutely freaky at first--he thought he’d kill me and it is SO unsafe--was choking during sex. But now he’s totally into it and he likes it. I’m kind of a freak I guess, I like rough sex. At first when I tried getting him to do things like that, he’d just laugh. But the more we’ve done things, the more he’s gotten into it.
In Bed: He must be a happy man.
Crissy: He’d be happier if we had sex more often. With five kids, it’s sometimes few and far between because we’re both tired. Sometimes we go a couple of weeks between having sex. It depends a lot on the time of the month--if I’m ovulating, I’m interested in sex. And when I am ovulating, we’ll go for like a week of having sex all the time. He’ll tell me, “Just leave me alone--you’re wearing me out. Can’t you break this up through the month?” But I can’t. The rest of the month, I really don’t care about sex. I will do it because I feel guilty, and it’s not really fair to to him. But now that I’ve gotten older, that’s just the way it goes.
In Bed: Have you became more comfortable about sex with him?
Crissy: It’s not that I became comfortable with him, it’s more that I became comfortable with myself. I don’t have a perfect body and before I was always self-conscious about what I looked like or how I was going to act or noises or whatever. But I finally figured out that you have one life and you need to enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with the things that we’re doing. There’s a lot out there I haven’t done yet and I am going to keep trying new things. I have reached kind of a high I think in that I’m really enjoying every aspect of life right now.