The Smoking Jacket, because--oh, there's no time for explanations, dammit!--and came upon "8 Strange Phone Sex Lines You'll Never Call." I don't like to be told what to do (or do I?), so I had to read it immediately. At the very least it was going to be better than their other so-not-my-demographic articles like "Stuff You Should Know: Balding" and "Which Malt Liquor Is Right For You?" (Although I might give "Why Robots With Vaginas Are a Bad Idea" a perusal later. Why are they a bad idea? I have to say I haven't given the matter much thought.)
Anyway, the strange sex lines were not, I am sorry to report, staffed with a perky group of robots with vaginas, but rather with women who sneeze over the phone, women with gas, and women from Canada. ("I am aboot to take off my bra. It is a red colour.")
There's also a balloon sex line. Says Jenny (shown above lovingly cuddling with a very very special balloon):
My fantasy is a room full of balloons for me to roll around in. Even if I only have one balloon I just want to rub it all over myself. There’s nothing better than the squeaky sound of a balloon squished into the palm of my hand while I rub it all over my body especially on my tits and yes, even between my legs! The static electricity is definitely a turn-on.I am so curious as to what event--exposure to balloon animals + inadvertent boner?--had to happen to someone to birth this balloon fetish, but apparently there's a whole balloon culture with sub-fetishes including riding balloons, squishing balloons, popping balloons and balloon domination. ("The balloon doggie wants you to touch yourself. Do! It! Now!")
There's also giantess phone sex for those with a shrinking or growing fetish. I'm not quite sure if it's caller or callee who is shrinking or growing and, since I am writing this in public at Barnes and Noble, I am not especially keen to be hanging around on their web site too long to find out. Here's the link, if you're feeling so inclined. There you will find the helpful advice that a caller should "Ask the dispatcher for the hottest women dealing with shrinking or growing." I guess it's so you don't get the un-hot giantess. "Yeah, yeah, I'm giant now. So what? Have you seen my corn pads? Dammit, it was a brand new pack!"
There's also a line for amputee phone sex which is bothersome, not because of the whole phone sex thing, but because the women in the picture clearly isn't even a real amputee. She obviously just bent her leg up and then applied the most rudimentary of photoshop techniques to blur her "stump." This sits the wrong way with me, like when actors play someone of another race. I mean, how much lower can you go than taking a job from an amputee?
As for me, I am keeping the Granny Phone Sex line in mind for myself in case In Bed With Married Women keeps up its stubborn refusal to make more than 67 cents a day. How easy would it be to take calls, repeatedly yelling "What grade are you in, dearie?" and talking about neighbors who have died. Dude, c'mon, it's two bucks a minute.