Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Guest Post: "Demystifying Cunnilingus" by The Barreness

Today we bring you a lesson in the art of pleasuring a female orally. Or, as it is more formally called, "cunnilingus." (Though it is Most Certainly Not called cunnilingus by anyone I know--even at the most formal of occasions. Cunnilingus is a displeasing word, made all the more displeasing by the prominent "ling" sound right there in the middle of the word, forcing anyone who says it aloud into making an involuntary suggestive flick of the tongue.)

Our instructor in the art of, well, you know, is a lively, sassy Brit, The Barreness, who writes the equally lively and sassy blog Hello, Sailor.  I urge you, using my highest possible words of urging, to check it out immediately. At the very least read Meet the Barreness, an intro to the Barreness worldview. But you're here for cunnilingus talk. Let us cede to the Barreness:

Greetings Chaps and Chapesses.
As you might have guessed, today's topic is an educational one, its necessity brought into rather glaring focus for me throughout the recent audition process.

As it turns out, despite machinations and unsubstantiated claims to the contrary, nearly every man I meet, infuriatingly  most men  lots of men are absolutely bloody clueless about how to give good head.

This is a situation to which I feel it my duty - as resident sex kitten in this particular corner of the interweb - to lend a helping hand.

To extend the snatch of friendship, if you will. 

*cough*

You see, I think we women are really quite unfair to men.

On one hand (and sometimes in two, but only if you're really lucky), we have the penis. Reasonably straightforward and requiring very little by way of operating know-how. And yes, of course you can get creative and interesting with your technique, but there's a basic in and out motion required to get the desired result and as long as you roughly master this, you're doing alright. (Am I wrong boys?)

Then we have the vagina. Lady flower, vajayjay, bajingo (I heart Scrubs), snatch (my personal favourite) - whatever your particular choice of term, its certainly not what one would call "user friendly". There are folds and hidden bits and some have innies and some have outies and if there were ever an operators manual created (what a MARVELOUS idea), its size and girth (sorry, couldn't be helped) would rival that of War and Peace. 

It's unfair to men for us to just expect that they'll know what to do when they get down there, and yet so many of us are disinclined to give instruction, as we "would rather not teach". 

Bollocks.

If someone doesn't take pity on the poor sods and explain a thing or two, how will they ever learn? And furthermore, the longer they go without proper instruction, the more we have to put up with persons such as last night's contender for the open Harem place - a man so confused by the lady maze that I actually stopped him in the middle to suggested a cup of tea before he left. Right away.

Oh yea. That bad.

But there's good news boys. The truth is that, despite a woman's many varied preferences, there are a few rather simple instructions which should help you to avoid the awkward mid-(pre)-coital tea offering and at least get the ladies suitably warmed up, if not breathless and begging for round two.

So let's start with a simple diagram, shall we?

"Lady Flower"
--Lady Flower image, courtesy of Microsoft Paint* and Georgia O'keefe**.

*Please forgive my Paint skills, as I haven't Annah's flare for this.*

** Also thanks to Georgia O'keefe, whose paintings pretty much all look like a vag.**

As you can see, boys (Or girls, if you like. I judgeth not.), there aren't actually all that many bits with which to contend. Two possible entrance holes (depending on your persuasive skills and her tolerance for pain), two sets of "lips", and the ever elusive citoris - a tiny little button which on some women you can find easily and on some you can't. Not to worry, boys. Believe me, it's always roughly in the same place. Concentrate your efforts here, and you're golden.

So that's the anatomy.

Now, lets talk briefly about technique, which can pretty much be summed up in four words, which I'd like you to commit to memory and repeat over and over (to yourself, probably) the next time you're faced with the job of orally pleasing a woman:

More lips, less tongue.

Shall I go ahead and write it twice, enlarge and italicise it, just to be sure?

More. Lips. Less. Tongue.

Let's examine the logic of this statement for a moment. As you'll notice from my (rather creepy, I admit) diagram, women have, not one but TWO sets of "lips". Three, if you count the face. (Not shown here.) Are her facial lips for poking, flicking or stabbing at with your tongue? 

I think not.

Women enjoy oral sex because it is a softer, warmer, more sensual experience than intercourse. A penis is for thrusting. Fingers are (occasionally) for poking or prodding (In lesson two we'll explore the joys of the finger-enhanced cunnilingus technique, but let's just keep things simple for now, mmm kay?). But lips? Yours or hers (any of them), they're for kissing (and sucking lightly, of course).

The other thing to bear in mind about technique is that you have to change things up a bit. Think of a good massage. The masseuse may focus on "key areas", but they will change direction, location, intensity and pressure throughout the massage, to ensure that the muscles get the best possible workout. Same rules apply to snatch-licking. (What, too graphic?) (You've not been here long, have you?)

Thirdly (and lastly for now, as I've surely lost nearly every follower I have by this point), my last bit of advice is simple and (one would think) self explanatory:

Just f*cking pay attention, will you? 

If we like what's going on down there, we'll let you know. We'll moan, we'll arch, we'll squeeze your hand. Just keep doing what you're doing and please, for the love, do NOT ask us if we're enjoying it. 

If I wanted a chat I wouldn't have occupied your mouth. Attempting to chat mid-head is a guaranteed one way  ticket way to Lipton town.

And there you have it - a few helpful hints from moi a vous.
I would never suggest that following these instructions will make you the greatest head-giver in the history of Danielle Steel novels. (That position is in fact already occupied bythe Pilot - quite possibly the only reason I keep that one around.) But I do hope I've helped to unmask some of the mystery surrounding a lady's "red velvet love cavern"(best romance novel quote EVER).

Cribbs notes provided for a small fee.

Now away! Away and cunnilingus to your (lady friend's) hearts content!

And do feel free to report back on progress/feedback received.

Alternatively, you may send thank yous in the form of Jimmy Choos and/or naked photos of Javier Bardem.



[If you would like to read the Barreness' post in its original glory, click here.]

6 comments:

Mrs Midnite said...

So tempted to send this to every man I know. I have suggested that my boyfrend give master classes but recently he has decided that sucking really hard is a good idea so perhaps he now also needs a copy of this post!

CkretsGalore said...

I started following Hello Sailor the other day, and now I have started following you.

FTW!

Love your blog.
And you interviewed John Cusack. He entered my adolescent fantasies many a times. He's such a tramp. tsk tsk.

jill hamilton said...

Mrs Midnite, good idea re: showing it to the boyfriend, but don't forget to hide your comment before you do so. He doesn't need to be learning about his poor hard suck technique via public blog. (Or maybe he does.)

And thanks CkretsGalore, welcome! btw, apparently John Cusack entered many a adolescent fantasy. My friend worked on a movie w/ him and said all the women were totally in love with him. So, get in line, I guess.

Tricia said...

Oooo, another Javier Bardem fan. Does he realize how many smart, sexy writers are in love with him?

The Barreness said...

Ack! I'm late I'm late!

Muchas gracias to Miss Jill for allowing me to post at le chateau de married chicks.

And Midnight, I secong Jill's thoughts on this one. I recommend a copy, paste and then print (sans comments on his sucking technique).

Finally, Miss Jill, I've given you a wee bit o recognition on Hello, Sailor.

Just cuz I love you like that.

Much love,

- B x

England said...

I'm not a female, but this will definitely help me improve on giving head to women. It's something I've gotten into doing. Before I have sex....I give head, just to get things going. I love seeing a womans body move to me (sugar coated)...playing with basketball, and hearing her moan. I like doing it, overall. Actually I love doing it...I will admit, I've had one foul due to never experiencing an outtie for the first time, but it's all about learning in the end. And yes...and it would help if a woman would say how she wants to play basketball. Great blog!

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