Thursday, December 16, 2010

Our Forefathers...So Embarrassing

Credit: Peter Zetterlund, 
Swedish National Heritage Board
Oh, I get the best mail around here.* Like this:  Reader Leslie of Long Beach, California, sent in an article about this ancient Stone Age tool (shown left) which--and I think we can all agree on this--most decidedly does not look like an axe or bowl or, really, any other non-dildo-related object. Says the caption below the photo:
This bone carving from Stone Age Sweden could be an ancient dildo, scientists say. Then again, it might just be a carving tool.
Right. There is no damn way that is a carving tool. (Though if it were, I am certain Stone Age fifth graders giggled away as the hapless Auk cluelessly carved with his cool-looking, self-designed carving tool. "What's so damn funny about me carving?" he grunted, waving the penis-shaped tool in annoyance, yet again.)

And lest you think In Bed With Married Women is a big perv that thinks everything looks like a penis, rest assured, we're not the only ones who see it. A real scientist thinks so too:
"Your mind and my mind wanders away to make this interpretation about what it looks like – for you and me, it signals this erected-penis-like shape," said archaeologist Göran Gruber of the National Heritage Board in Sweden, who worked on the excavation.
The archaeologist's language is oddly poetic. "Your mind and my mind wanders away...." Um, is this dude hitting on us? But I do like how Gruber just boldly notes the "erected-penis-like shape." In Sweden, you see, they are more open-minded. The "erected-penis-like shape" is one of the basic shapes taught to all Swedish kindergardeners.

This is not the first time we've uncovered evidence that our ancestors were a randy lot. In a previous post, we notified you about an object that scientists concluded was an ancient sex toy/firestarter tool--an awkward and bewildering combo that for semi-obvious reasons never quite caught on. I would liken it to today's KFC Chicken & Biscuit Bowl which is some godawful-sounding mishmash of fried chicken, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, three cheeses and a buttermilk biscuit tucked in the side. (The comparison, by the way, is regarding the awkward combo-ness aspect.  I am most decidedly not suggesting that you use the KFC Chicken & Biscuit Bowl as either a firestarter or a sex toy. And especially not as both at the same time.)

The prevalence of these ancient sex toys raises some questions. Was it such a good idea to be fashioning dildos when there were still down comforters, iPhones and toilets to invent? Is this just the beginning of such findings and soon Swedish scientists will be uncovering Stone Age anal bleaching kits, vajazzling rocks and primitive inflatable sex cows made entirely of rock? Did Mrs. Auk claim the object tucked in her nightstand drawer was a "carving tool," much like Modern Woman's "back massager"? And, finally, how embarrassing would it be it future Swedish scientists were measuring, analyzing and photographing the contents of your nightstand drawer? "The object in question is purple and squishy and has the erected penis-like shape..."

* Not always. The other day I got a message from a young woman that read, "You are so going to hell. Have fun with that." What was weird to me about it was the combo of misinterpreted Christianity ("Jesus NEEDS me to send snippy emails to strangers.") with the teenage phrasing. I am not just going to hell, I am SO going to hell, like I am in some extra-special category of hell-goers. Perhaps it's like having your tickets at Hell's Will Call booth or something. And the "Have fun with that"--it's like a Mean Girl from the popular lunch table is banishing me to hell. "Have fun with that. And make sure you wear those geeky pants you have on too, loser."


Unknown said...

Carving. Huh. Never heard it described quite that way before.

A shout out to our horny cavewomen and their first sex toys, and a hearty thank you to whomever finally invented batteries.

The Housewife said...

I guess it just depends on what kind of 'carving' you like to do.. wait.. that didn't make sense..

CkretsGalore said...

Well I believe she will be going to hell as well ..for using the Internet. THE TOOL OF THE DEVIL.

Annah said...

LOL. I blogged about this!

Errrr something like that.

Enid Wilson said...

I declare I haven't seen any of the photos here or read in detail this post. I only stop by to wish you and your readers a sexy, steamy and dreamy Christmas and New Year. Thanks for the wonderful posts that kept me entertained. Keep them COMING!

Fire and Cross

Belinda said...

I love this, Jill. You have me laughing hysterically, especially all points that factor in Stone Age 5th graders and Swedish Kindergarteners. Kids and sex blog? Oh, you are SO going to hell and I must be going right with you!

toni in florida said...

Oh, it's a carving tool, all right... used for carving out some satisfaction in a Stone Age woman's otherwise potentially bleak love life.

Somehow I don't picture the men back then being especially attentive lovers. More of the wham-bam type... without the "thank you" even. Now that might be an anti-Stone-Age-men prejudice on my part, utterly without a factual basis, but then again that carving tool may be evidence that Stone Age women were masters (erm, mistresses) of their own satisfaction.

... I imagine the lucky fella who modeled for the sculptor was very popular!

M. Hicks said...

I've read that the wives of sailors has some shockingly penis shaped items as well. They've found dildos made of whale bone and ivory in Nantucket from the whaling days. These were affectionately called "He's at homes."

andeejo said...

yeah, well, i hope you're in hell b/c you crack me up and i'll need someone to be continuously inappropriate with ;)

TMB said...

Your prose is such a fantastic blend of excellent writing, snark, humor, and downright excellent subject matter.
Here's to ancient dildos, hilarious analogies, and your continued writing.