Wednesday, December 30, 2015

I Had Sex With Something Called A Clitoral Stimulator

My pricey lover with unidentified companion
I don't know if I'm bragging about this or confessing, but Good Vibrations gave me a new kind of vibrator to test out in return for my honest review. Everyone has their price, supposedly, and I now know mine:  $189, the exact cost of  The Womanizer Rechargeable Clitoral Stimulator.

For your $189--or in my case, the whoring out of v. personal moments--you get a thing that looks like an ear thermometer, plus a USB cable, extra tip, fancy case and instruction booklet translated from the German with references to the KLITORIS and somewhat frightening/mysterious exhortations like "Turn the device off whenever unusual sounds are heard and do not continue using it."*

To use (fuck? make love to/with?), you put a little suction cup-like thing directly on your clit and it sort of vibrates and does something that feels a lot like gentle sucking, like someone's mouth is on you. It's a totally different sensation, as far as vibes go--sweet and nice, but not too ethereal. There are like 6 settings of intensity but I could only handle the first two.

The first time the Womanizer had relations, we had some first date issues. During some of it, it was insanely good, then it would somehow suddenly be just "meh" and I could have gotten up and had lunch or something with little regret. Then back to insanely good again.

Instead of a straightforward Masters and Johnson graph from arousal to orgasm: was more like one of those Family Circus cartoons where Billy takes the meandering, long-ass way somewhere...

La de dah.

I think it was self-consciousness due to using it in front of someone coupled with the thing's notable resemblance to a wee little clit-sized milking machine. Still, I kept with it out of sheer determination, which is not exactly an optimal sex attitude. It was pretty frustrating. But then, when it finally happened, I literally screamed. Like, out loud. In a good way, in case you were wondering. This is not something I generally do.

Second time I snuck in the bathroom and put some porn on my phone (is this making you hot? No? Sex stripped of its mystery, connection and passion is so... almost workaday, like I'm describing how I changed the oil in my car or something. Which for the record, I don't know how to do, so don't bother asking me to). The Womanizer caused no screaming this time, but it was quick and easy, which sometimes is all you're looking for.

Third time, it was good. Real good. I'm a little bit in love with it, if you must know. If that thing had a varsity jacket I would so be wearing it.  

If you shell out for one, let me know how it was for you, 'cause then I will feel like we're even somehow.


*Because that's when the ghosts have taken over the vibrator. (Denn, wenn die Geister haben die Kontrolle übernommen Der Vibrator)


Anonymous said...

LOVe this Jill! In a way I am not surprised by your experience. The ever-mysterious inscrutable female (Here I must generalize owing to the small sample I have ever known) can be aroused, and then stop being aroused and then, what? suddenly be aroused much later to Orgasm? WTF? I will assume that your handy Masters-and-Johnson graph describes a typical male arousal cycle then?
Thank you again love your work!

in bed with married women said...

Thank you o Anonymous Person. I felt sort of embarrassed to write this so I'm happy someone got something out of it. Though clearly I also got something out of it as well.

Yogi said...

Jill, I love how you put it out there and keep putting it out there. Thanks. Check out masturbatorsanctumtumbler dot com. It's the same thing for men.

Anonymous said...

I still can't read past the word "KLITORIS" because it looks like the name of a kitchen tool at IKEA. Which you might be able to use to the same end...

in bed with married women said...

Dear Yogi, thanks for the kind words--and my future activity

Anonymous--Exactly! I can see the font on it and everything.

Mongo, At The Moment said...

Fortunately, people don't offer a goodbye to their various, uh, intimate appliances when leaving the house. Probably should do a poll ("Hi; we're doing a quick survey -- have you named your vibrator?").

And, does the Masters 'n Johnson chart look like a standard diagram for plot development -- rising action, resolution; closure? Or is it just me?

And too, also; finally a use for years of college German! Passt auf der Gespenst im das Gerät! (Watch out for the Ghost In The Implement!)

The Bun said...

This ... kind of sounds like the sort of thing I'd like (typical vibrators don't do much for me). But I don't think at this point that I'd like it almost two hundred dollars' worth. Oh well. Thanks for sharing, Jill!

in bed with married women said...

mongo, I am in love with "Watch out for the ghost in the implement!"

ps do read read Mongo's piece on Oliver Sacks if you have a moment. so well written.

The Bun, I know. maybe you're gonna have to figure out a way to publicly whore yourself out as well.

Anonymous said...

Someone was watching!? Was that for your or their benefit?

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, that sounded more creepy than it actually was. anyway, as it turned out, it was kind of for no one's benefit, especially.

alone though, that thing and i are kind of in love.

Unknown said...

Curious about vibrators and women. Do numerous stimulations with a vibrator cause a women to react more quickly to oral or massage stimulation?

in bed with married women said...

Unknown, seems like it varies with each woman and that it can also have a contrary effect (or is it affect? don't know.) women are mysterious, man.

IBWMMM said...

Dear fellow readers,
I am a recent convert to IBWMW, and as such have been working my way back through her blog posts. As you might be able to tell, I have had the audacity to declare myself a minister. More on that later. A couple of thoughts:

1) Whereas there are many ministers, self-declared or not, it seems to me that we do not have a properly respectful title for IBWMW. My suggestions are the QUEEN of IBWMWland, or (my preference) She Who Must Be Obeyed (SWMBO, for those with tired fingers).

2) We are getting two things for the price of one. Not only is this perhaps (depends on your tastes) the best sex blog on the internets, but it is also by far the wittiest/funniest that I have ever read.

At any rate, this is perhaps the best blog I have ever followed, as not only do we get a warm, thoughtful, intelligent, (insert other positive adjectives here) exposition of a very smart lady's thoughts, but she has created a space that has attracted a number of amazingly smart, generous, witty followers. It brings to mind an orchestra, with a bunch of really talented performers (male and female), with an amazingly talented conductor (SWMBO). Hence I am declaring myself In Bed With Women Minister of Music (IBWMWMM). I shy from putting that O in there, as it gets a little weird(also the typing is easier). If there is a pre-existing In Bed With Women Minister of Music, I apologize, and will declare myself Deputy In Bed With Women Minister of Music.

My sincerest thanks for SWMBO, and all of her followers. I hope to remain a member of this community for a long time.

Love to all.

Anonymous said...

I work for a large, over $100m per year turnover, mailorder adult products company. I remember us stocking the original Womanizer W100 for the first time and there being general disbelief we had such a weird looking, expensive and, on the basis of tests on several peoples' hands, rather feable product. Trade was hopeless for a while then off the back of a couple of high profile reviews and chatter growing on the Internet things went mad. It became the hottest item we stocked. It was selling out constantly and Purchasing were backing up replenishent orders day after day ( this means ordering when stock was low but then ordering again several times before the supplier delivered the first order because we saw demand growing expidentially. It didnt take long before other female staff and I decided to cash in our product allowances to get one of these for ourselves. Then we found out what the fuss was about. The joke toy was awsome. True the manufacturer's claims of 1 minute orgasms did prove optimistic but those that discussed their experiences confirmed it was 'a major time saver' and 'delivered superior outcomes'. The Womaniser 500 came soon after and I upgraded. It looks far more classy (first reason for upgrading), is easier to control and it came with more speed settings. It sees to me most mornings and pretty much every night. I took my work home and am so happy. I wont be going back to any of my vibrators for sure.


in bed with married women said...

Karen! ok, that is completely fascinating! thanks--behind the scenes!

Anonymous said...

I feel the need to correct your German. "... denn in diesen Moment haben die Geister Kontrolle des Vibrators übernommen." this translates more literally as "because at that point the ghosts have taken control of the vibrator", but "that's when" doesn't translate smoothly, I'm afraid. (Also, "denn" sets off a subordinate clause, so the above is no more a complete sentence in German than it is in English, but I digress.)

Jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous--I LOVE that you corrected my German!