Thursday, August 6, 2015

Here's Your Absent-Minded Pat on the Head

Hanna-Barbera's probably cool with me using this, right?
You know that part of The Jetsons where George gets so overwhelmed by the treadmill that he gets sucked under it, winding around and around in a fashion that probably wouldn't stand up to more rigorous standards of physics? I am so a George right now, just in life.

You're my favorite thing in the world though, and I want to give you...something, so let's just get to it.

Stuffed Animals--Fuck or Be Fucked By? 
While working on that story about weirdly specific sex toy accessories (Lube called "Best Soup Japan"! Sex doll aroma spray--scent of "clumsy girl with big breasts"! Fake hymens--comes in multi-pack for "practice"!), I discovered Teddy Love, a Teddy Bear that provides “direct clitoral and vaginal stimulation” via his 10 speed vibrating l'il Teddy nose and tongue. That was all fine enough--I guess--and I only mention it to pass along this accompanying bit of chilling and/or reassuring bit of advertising prose, “the tongue can touch the taint.” Which, you know...finally!

Teddy led me to Jumbo Wolf, a large stuffed animal with a SPH (strategically placed hole) “for extra cuddling fun." I do not mean to pick on eternally beleaguered plushies—yay sexual freedom and all that--but was so struck by this auto-generated message on JW's page: “Customers who bought Jumbo Wolf also purchased MaxSize Penis Erection Enhancement pill.”

Not just one customer--customers. Is it that buyers want to make sure it's extra hot for Jumbo Wolf? Or is it the more curious situation of being a plushie yet worrying about not being able to perform for it/him/her? (In which case, perhaps you're not actually a plushie and maybe it's time to come out the closet about that...?) Anyway, it seems like Jumbo Wolf would totally understand an off night-- perhaps he might even be relieved to close up the old SPH for the night. So, you're probably good. On that at least. 

Things People Bought From Amazon Last Month Through the IBWMW Link That I'm Gonna Erroneously Assume Are for Sexual Purposes 
--Something called an Ultra Probe
--"Dandy Blend" tea
--A tenor ukelele
Thank you! (And thanks for the rest of the purchases that you'll presumably be using in a non-sexual "just friends" manner! I know it's that one little bit of extra arduousness to use the link--Huge love to those who made the effort!)

"I Saw This And Thought Of You"
Among the things that people saw lately and were reminded of me (which is not horribly flattering, but my cross to bear) include: 
--A business that will turn your enemy's logo into a penis. Although I'm not sure than anyone over 10 still has "enemies." 
--A Fuck Me Silly torso-only fuck doll which, according to one reviewer, was "not delivered discretely!" making me desperately want to hear the back story on that one.
"Hope I get a pair of X-ray specs!"
 --News of a "robotic butt" for med students to practice their prostate exam moves on/in. I like this for so many reasons (not the least of which is that awesome photo. Is that guy putting his whole damn hand in there? Slow down, sailor.) but would especially like it if the teacher put surprising/alarming things in there--whoopi cushions, old timey wooga-wooga horns, a fish head, that sort of thing.
--Stillman, also the bearer of the robotic butt news, sent word of a vibrator/camera selfie stick that you insert inside yourself so you can FaceTime from where things are actually going down. "The device offers the unprecedented opportunity to be on the phone with someone's genitals," reads the sub-head. ("Mr. Henderson, there's a pussy calling on line two.") Wrote Stillman, who is the best #weirdfriend I could possibly ask for: "I'm going to get an inter-urethral FaceTime catheter so our genitals can communicate from the insides." Which, if you must know, is by far the best offer I've had in a while. 

The Best Porn For Women 
My Cosmo piece on the 15 Best Porn Sites for Women has been shared almost 20K times, and mutated on Esquire into a piece on what "women" like to watch. This is kinda insane because I am just one chick sitting around my house without proper porn-watching credentials, but there you go, modern journalism.Yes, me and a few of my pervy friends deciding what "women" like. On the upside I discovered James Deen, who, dear GOD, is so fucking hot, I can barely stand it. 

Not Learning My Lesson
Still, I'm pretty bossy ('cept when I'm not) and am quite happy to keep telling you what I think is sexy. Which today is this video of St. Vincent and Andrew Bird doing "What Me Worry?" There's no actual sex, and anyway St. Vincent's dating some hot model/actress, and yet it feels so so sexual to me, at least in the sense of what good sex is (to me--and, you know, women). It's their unspoken communication, their close close attention to the moment and each other, the push and pull of action and reaction, the contrast between her aggressive slash of her guitar with his insanely delicate way of  sloooowly drawing his bow gently across his violin's strings, and their sense of delight and discovery throughout. And I swear, they both look flushed after, as well-fucked people do. I don't know--perhaps I'm reading waaay too much into it, with my porn-addled mind. Have a look and tell me what you think.

What do you think is sexy that's not actual sex? Tell me!



drandrea said...

oh yeah i'm right there with you. music sex. good stuff ;) especially the laugh and then the happy/astonished 'whew' at the end ;)

in bed with married women said...

thanks for the sexual validation, drandrea xoxo

Anonymous said...

I was prepared to argue with you dear Jill.
AND THEN I had to stop @3:10 when she giggles as she glances over at him and his bowing away on the fiddle and I wondered if maybe that violin bow was hooked up to a pair of those "remote panties" that I bought on "babeland" dotcom. Hmm there is SOMETHING going on there. Nice voice nice music.

Virginia G said...

oh MAH GAWD. I keep getting OkCupid messages from an intensely creepy guy who has the robotic ass as his profile picture. THE SAME picture you just posted. YOWZA.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, I love that not only would you argue with me but that you sat through it to give me a fair shake. By internet time commitment standards, that's huge and I think in some jurisdictions we might be married.

Virgina, did you ever have that false guilt feeling where you didn't go something but you feel like you are lying/acting guilty when you say you didn't? that is happening me to now when I saw I'm not your OkCupid stalker. (I'm not. I'm not!)

DCM said...

Aside from the cost a reason I wouldn't buy even the otherwise finest "love dolls" is that I can't get real excited about the smell of upholstery or new car seats. They need to smell like actual human sweat (though not overwhelmingly so) and probably convey pheromones that people can't smell but that can be assimilated by our systems.

Jill Hamilton said...

David, they actually DO have all kinds of "sweat" aroma sprays though i suspect most of 'em are just, like, vanilla and labeled differently.

But yeah, agree w/ you. scent is huge in all kinds of ways we do and don't understand.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the St. Vincent - Bird performance. She can be a bit too quirky, for me, at times, but this was lovely and her quirky works for me big time.

Anything "sexy" is "sex" for me, otherwise it's not "sexy" At the same time, an explicit (I don't mean that way) illustration of the actual act is not necessarily "sexy" for me. That said, I find grains and patterns in marble slabs to be sexy (as well as illustrations of ice in scotch).

I Amazon a lot and now in the habit of going to your site when I do. Seeing some of the things I have ordered juxtaposed in your column makes me feel weird, but also creates new possibilities that hadn't occurred to me. (kinda sexy, actually)

in bed with married women said...

Most recent Anonymous, I feel the same about St. V. that was the first thing I saw of hers and when I rushed over to hear everything else was kinda meh. Thanks for your Amazoning (huge thanks!) plus your subliminal reference to subliminal references. xo

caitlingrace said...

I'm going to have to come back and watch the video clip And I'm right there with you on thinking that guy has far too much of his hand up the dummy's arse. I wonder if they had dinner first?

As always this is great for a laugh. I do love my teddy but it is purely platonic!

in bed with married women said...

Caitlin, yeah def. wouldn't want that guy in change of any bum-oriented activities.

Jules said...

I have to agree about James Deen - he is the hottest straight guy I've ever seen in porn. Possibly even in real life. No, he is the hottest. And he's not even that good looking! I mean, he's okay, but on a good day with a few glasses of wine under my bodice he's probably an 8/10. But, damn. Grrr.

Strangely, I find smoking sexy. I say strangely because I hate the smell of it, fresh off the cigarette or stale in someone's hair and clothes, and the taste of it when you kiss someone, like some kind of moist ashtray. But watching them smoke, that's just something else. Pursing their lips as they suck it in; the swirl of smoke caressing their faces; the gentle exhalation, the smoke making the breath visible and tangible. Even when it curls out of their nose, like they are some kind of dragon with internal fire... Phew, I need a bex and a lie down now!

in bed with married women said...

Jules, that is one good fucking comment. now I must go fan myself.