Sunday, June 26, 2016

How to Make a Woman Come--Even If You Are That Woman. AKA Things I Learned from Science, Sex, and The Ladies

Louis CK* has a bit on how men complain about women's "neediness" after sex:

“After sex, you’re looking at two very different people. The man just wants to lay there and be cool and the woman wants to cuddle. 'Why is she so needy?’ She’s not needy you idiot, she’s horny, because you did nothing for her. You did absolutely nothing. Her pussy is on fire because it's gone unfucked completely. Of course you’re fine, you climbed on and went “KFHGSKG” and rolled off. And she’s on you because she’s like ‘WH-at SOMETHING ELSE HAS TO HAPPEN! This is bullshit!!' If you fuck a woman well, she will leave you alone. ‘Thanks a lot, buddy. Zzzzz.’”

Louis says this happens because men are "bad at sex." Perhaps, but I think a lot of us are kinda bad at sex--just by default, because we never got the proper instruction. People want to be good lovers and fuck well. But it's incredibly difficult--ridiculously so--to get any sort of reasonable, real-world education.

Even today, we know so little about women's bodies. So very little!  It was only in the past few years that I learned that the clit occupies an extensive bit of pelvic real estate, that scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they ejaculate (it's "not pee," which just leaves...every non-pee substance), and that the cervix is so insensitive that 95% of women can't tell if it's being rubbed with a cotton swab. (This being the primary reason that the Gentleman's Cervical Swab Rubbing Courtship Technique of 1847 has fallen out of favor.)

In other cases, we know very well what's going with on women's bodies, but for some reason, bury or don't acknowledge this info.

The most egregious form of our sexual ignorance/denial is about how most women actually have an orgasm: A woman comes from having her clitoris rubbed. There are a lucky few (very few!) who can get the job done via p-in-v fucking, but even then, what's going down with every woman is that:

1. their clit is rubbed.
2. they come (or don't.)

That's it.  

This is pretty much contrary to every depiction of women's sexual response we see in porn, mainstream films, and read about in books. Even books written for women by women. (Er. Or not.  See updated discussion about this in the comments.)

Trisha Borowicz got all Fight-the-Power about this (yay!) and made a smart, funny, cheeky film called Science, Sex, and The Ladies "for all the women who have felt confused, frustrated, or ashamed about their ability to orgasm."  

 I learned all kinds of things from Science, Sex, and the Ladies, up to and including:

--I couldn't tell a whit of difference between the photos of the Aroused Clitoris and Unaroused Clitoris (possible future lesbian lovers: you have been forewarned.)
--Women have their strongest orgasms by their own hand, second strongest with someone else's hand, and weakest via fucking and the frustratingly indirect stimulation of a penis rubbing-near-but-not-quite-exactly-where-you-need-it.
 --Contrary to popular belief, women don't take forever to come. Women come as quickly as easily as men, given the right stimulation. Men would also take forever to come if they were only being stimulated by, say, someone diligently rubbing their pubic hair.

My favorite part of the film depicted scenes of people engaged in various forms of sexual congress--a blow job, fucking, etc...--when a cheery actress would walk into the each scene and advise the female participant to "Rub one out!" to enhance her experience. It was fun, breezy and educational--like a particularly racy episode of The Electric Company.

I actually do wish this was the sort of stuff young people saw. And, while I'm at it, I wish more sex scenes depicted women being stimulated realistically, in the way that women actually need to be stimulated, so that women would no longer have to think they were somehow broken, doing it wrong or hadn't yet found the proper dick.
There is an orgasm disparity among women and men that drastically affects the way each understand themselves and each other. The truth is, women go through their sexual lives having very few orgasms compared to their male partners, and this has become a matter of course, a sort of unspoken accepted reality. This discrepancy, however, is not a result of innate differences between male and female biology, but a result of how we as a culture have come to understand, teach and experience sex.

Science, Sex and the Ladies aims to make it known that this orgasm disparity is culturally created, harmful, and in no way inevitable. It's actually quite an appalling and over arching problem that creeps into every aspect of our lives and relationships. Neither modern women or modern men are fully responsible for this problem, but a change in both are necessary for a solution. Science Sex and the Ladies, as part of a larger Orgasm Equality Movement, is a call to action.--Science, Sex, and the Ladies.
Anyway, if you want to be part of the Orgasm Equality Movement--and I do, although I'm totally not going to refer to it as that--the film makers are offering screeners of the movie if you'd like to host a small group showing. It's free--all they ask is that you send them a photo of the festivities. For more info, email

I watched it alone, but wish I'd been with a group because I have all kinds of questions now. Like:

--Why are women writing romance/erotica about easily orgasmic p-in-v sex? Are all erotica writers among the tiny percentage of penis in vagina cumees? Or are they writing about how they think sex should be? Or how they wish it could be?
--What is the connection between emotions and sex? I'm totally onboard with Naomi Wolf's ideas in Vagina about sexual/spiritual/emotional connections, heady neurochemicals, and the transcendence that can happen in a really good fuck. And yet..... While emotional connection and getting "in the mood" is great, and certainly something to strive for, it's clearly not absolutely necessary for an orgasm. A woman masturbating with a showerhead or something can come plenty easily without having a big emotional experience and/or scene-setting. And yet... I have also burst into tears after an orgasm. Why and how are emotions all mixed up with sex? Or do we just assume they are, ergo, they are?
--If you are like pretty much every other chick and need to rub your clit to come, do you do it during sex with someone else? Or have you been among those (and, yes, I have been there as well) making "secret, quiet circles on disappointed clits next to sleeping lovers."

What are we all gonna do about this?


PS. I recently was also cited on some Spanish-language anti-gay site (blergh) for my supposed anal bleaching expertise.  "Una experta en el tema, la Sra. Hamilton entra en grandes detalles sobre la historia de esta reprobable técnica."

PPS. That site has 2 million views.

*This was before. Damn you, Louis.

(photo via Church of the Victorian Cult, not sure where Wendy Rose got a hold of it.)


Anonymous said...

This discussion and info has been around since the '80's, at least, and probably back to antiquity. In the 1980's, Alan and Donna Brauer published ESO about extended sexual orgasm and were quite clear about major clit involvement. Today there is the OneTaste group that promotes a practice of clitoral stroking they call OM for Orgasmic Meditation.

My SO and I learned how I could stroke here clit while we did PIV sex. She needs her nipples licked and sucked as well to come. Other women I know need or want anal stimulation as well. Some prefer vibrators.

The only intelligent thing for people to do is figure out there own needs, be willing to communicate them to their partners, and then be very sure to deliver.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, I read that ESO book back in the day. (secretly, that is). Glad you and your SO figured it out. I've had a lot of women come to me and sort of confess that they can't come via PIV, like there was something off about them. these were chicks in their 40s! would love it if everyone could know that that's the norm.

Spike said...

Interestingly, I have very recently come into my own, orgasm-wise..being able to come quite easily from different types of stimulation. I am not quite sure what has changed, I mean, I am a different person than I was three years ago, but I am happy for it. Sex is a whole new ball of wax, and I couldn't be more pleased.

in bed with married women said...

Spike, my dear friend just told me the very same thing! And I know she is not lying or trying to appear "regular" or whatever. So, yes, I think there is more to this that we yet know. Anyway, happy for you. xo

Anonymous said...

The first two women I dated had never once had an orgasm, and that didn't change while they were dating me. The next two had what looked like amazing, full-body orgasms all the time, and they were always from direct clitoral stim (hands, vibrators, mouth, water). Now I'm married, and my wife not only has orgasms from penetration without direct clit stim, but she prefers them that way. I love to go down on her (because it's awesome *and* because I get fellatio afterwards), but she only lets me finish her off this way about one in five times. Normally she stops me and wants to finish with fucking, because she likes the orgasm more. She usually comes just as fast even if there isn't any cunnilingus first. We've been together for a long time, so this seems totally normal... sometimes I forget how lucky we are to have options that others don't.

Anonymous said...

Well, I can come with PIV and actually prefer it when time/partnering allows. Even beyond the emotional connection, there's something great about that being-filled feeling for me. But after 20 years with the SO, we've both learned how to make that happen - lots of foreplay and also the proper angle (Liberator makes some nice pillow/wedges) so that his regular thrust gives me some nice, consistent contact on my g spot/back of the clitoris. Often I enjoy it most when he comes first - that lovely extra boost of warmth - and then keeps going. Strangely, perhaps, menopause has made me hornier and also more focused on getting my orgasm on.

Anonymous said...

ok, now I have to see if my husband wrote that last comment!

Anonymous said...

This is welcome news and perhaps goes a little way towards undoing the damage that Freud caused when he stated that women who only orgasmed by clitoral stimulation were "childish". He said that they were somehow stuck on issues from the past and afraid to embrace full adulthood, as women who orgasmed "normally", via the vagina, were able to do. So there has been a long history of shaming women for the natural way their bodies function. :( Thank you for this post and doing your part to help women (and their partners) to educate themselves and to stop feeling self conscious about their own bodies.

dustwindbun said...

huh. I'm with the previous two Anonymouses (the previous 3 posts): I'm one of the lucky unicorns that has better orgasms through PIV sex than any other way (and I've tried all the usual ones). Frustrating in my "long-term long-distance" relationship...
Just chiming in to help prove that despite the rarity we do exist :)

in bed with married women said...

Anonymi--are you indeed mr and ms. anonymous then? regardless, glad you have someone who's willing to explore with you. xo

keppie, i remember hearing the info that most women couldn't come via piv on some cable show in the early nineties or so and I was absolutely stunned. i was in my 20s and didn't know!!

dustwinbun--happy for you and the others. it's good for the field research.

would love to hear from others who don't come that way.....

Charles said...

I am not an expert on this topic (since I am male) but, since I am very interested in sex, the topic is intriguing. WE have both met numerous women who seem to enjoy sex but are unable to climax and usually seem to blame themselves for not climaxing using missionary-position P.I.V. sex.

My first sexual experience was 40 years ago with the woman I am still married to. In 1970 I was a teenager, and all my sexual advice came from magazines and books. My theory at the time (1970) was that women's sex drives were just like men only they did not have penises, and so they did not masturbate. (let us remember I was inexperienced)

My teenage plan was that, to be a gentleman, “she must come first”. On the occasion when she was anxious for some reason, to have me come first, my rule was that she must also exceptions unless she had some good reason (rare).

We were terrified of her becoming pregnant and so we had every other type of sex EXCEPT P-I-V. I found that I could bring her to orgasm using several different techniques, and this made me feel very manly. I also felt secure and very close to her. During sex it was very exciting to be with a woman who was aroused.

One thing I noticed early on with her was that she did not want me to give her unasked – for advice during sex. She wanted to experiment with sexual techniques on me and then observe my reactions. Likewise, (to my frustration) she did not want me to ask what she wanted done to her;..instead she wanted me to experiment and then observe whether it was good or not.

I noticed that the fastest way she could climax was for me to manually stimulate her clit. She seemed to enjoy being pleasured orally but was (and is) still stigmatized somehow by any form of oral sex, so those options were out.

Once we had birth control and began to have P-I-V sex, she could only come when she was on top and could control position, pressure and movement. (I later learned that this position is called the “cowgirl”) At this point It was obvious why the “Ladies First” policy was important. We learned that if I came first, it was not possible for me to become erect enough for her pleasure unless the better part of an hour had passed.

The “cowgirl” position also had the advantage of placing her lovely breasts in my face with both my hands free and who ever tires of that!

I have learned that she loves nipple play, but ONLY and I mean ONLY when she is aroused. Touching or fondling her erotic zones is extremely annoying to her unless she is aroused enough to be ready to climax within minutes.

Re: 40 years on

We are older now, and have been frustrated by my inability to provide a hard cock to allow our favorite position. We have now switched to a “men come first” policy, which (after a short rest time) is followed 100% of the time by me opening up our “toybox”. The “toybox” is a collection of various toys that adapt to, or are used in conjunction with, Ta DA! the Hitachi Magic Wand. The H.M.W. rescued our love life after the “cowgirl” position went away.

The new favorite position for her is laying on her stomach with a small pillow beneath her abdomen and me alongside her maneuvering the H.M.W. over her clit. I still have one hand free and use that to bring her nipples into my mouth.

Can't Keep Anything to Myself said...

I've never really had a partner who could make me finish by means other than a vibrator and PIV sex, though I can finish myself with my hand on my own. Though the PIV orgasms can be hard to achieve sometimes, I would have to say they're my favorite type.
For me, it also seems like my mindset is a huge part of it. If I'm hankerin' for an orgasm, I will do everything in my power to make sure it happens, but I think having that mindset also helps somehow?
Recently I've also noticed that my partner finishing is often what I need to put me over the edge, but I have to be close already otherwise I get screwed (except not :().

in bed with married women said...

Can't--is it wrong that i dig that everyone's so earnestly graphic?

Jill Hamilton said...

This in via email:

Re your comments today, it's really no secret how to satisfy a woman sexually. This information is so readily available that you can't really find anything else.

It is, simply, to have sex until you, the male person, are just about to climax. And then, at pretty much that moment (although it can and often is extended) withdraw so that you might ejaculate all over her face and upper body.

From her eager and appreciative smile, this is clearly what it takes.

As before, this lesson is so widespread that not even the most diligent Internet search can find any examples of any other way.

Glad to be of help.

N/A said...

As usual, I love your writing. You're witty but so informative it's a breeze to read. That being said, there was so much information in here my head feels dizzy. Yet it's all stuff I've heard talked about, but yet I don't have answers as to why we come/don't come/what makes that certain person or night special.

Whew. I did it again. Dizzy. The p in v erotica is written almost as wishful thinking. I think there's a romantic, or maybe lofty goal of coming from someone inside you, creating a pleasurable act together that results in mutual orgasm. Like "maybe someday I can experience this." Like a Disney Movie, it's just wishful thinking without thinking of the practicality or damage it might cause the viewer.

Love your blog. Always :) Science, Sex and the Ladies sounds cool, btw. Going to check it out!

in bed with married women said...

Jean marie, do let me know what you think about it!

btw, i am feeling all happy about how fucking smart and open and funny you are all. so bask in the love. xox

Jill Sorenson said...

"Men would also take forever to come if they were only being stimulated by, say, someone diligently rubbing their pubic hair."

Ha! You crack me up. But you are so wrong about romance and erotica writers! The vast majority of sex scenes in romance feature orgasm via direct clit stimulation. Not saying there's no fantasy element to romance, especially in regards to male anatomy! but clit orgasms are the norm.

Jill Hamilton said...

Jill! That is great news! I have been reading the wrong damn stuff.
BTW, anyone else reading this, I would advise you to seek out one of Jill Sorenson's books, like say, Against the Wall ( to read the kind of steamy-ass stuff that comes out of her brain hole.

Clare said...

I have the opposite problem. I can orgasm from regular penetrative sex but my partner insists on rubbing my clit. I love it but once I've orgasmed it's just too sensitive and I want it to be over.

Jill Hamilton said...

Clare, So interesting! And now i'm just makin' it worse for you--sorry!