Monday, November 4, 2013

The Unsexy Sexting/Sexy Talk Contest and Other Poorly Worded Things

The other day I was in the dressing room at Kohl's when I heard a odd shuffling from the next room.

It was a guy and a girl fucking--right there in the lingerie department dressing room.

"Oh God, I am going crazy," the guy whispered with a feral desperate lust, to the sound of bodies and clothes being undone/pushed up/pulled down to get better access to each other. Hot.

"Fuck yeah," said the chick in a tinny voice. "Fuck yeah."

"Fuck yeah"?  Ugh. So...trite and porny.

That she said "Fuck yeah" totally ruined it for me, which is lame and judgey but there you go.  Maybe it's because I'm a writer or maybe because I'm female*, but to me, the things that are said during sex are hugely important.

Words are even more important during sexting 'cause it's all words. Wrong stuff just sits there being wrong. And autocorrect just fucks with things even more. Autocorrect can turn a sexting-appropriate response of "Oh God, mmm...." into an upsetting-to-all "Oh God, mom..." 

Several weeks back, I asked the 1,164 good citizens of the IBWMW Facebook page for some examples of bad sexting, as well as bad sex talk in general, and got stories of "precum" becoming "precinct" (usage: "I want to lick your precinct") "ass" becoming "assistant" (i.e. "I am grabbing your sweet assistant, hard") and the like.

Of course, some of it's just personal preference--one person's hot talk is another person's passion destroyer. Once in high school, a guy was trying to get me to take off my shirt and instead of just saying that--hell, it might have worked--he asked me if I wanted to try something called--puke!--"smurfing," which near as I could gather, had nothing to do with Smurfs (thankfully)** and everything to do with me taking off my shirt.

Here are some more:

Quentin:  I wanted to say, "I would love to see you when I am in town."  Instead it came over, "I would love to fuck you while I am in town." Needless to say, that coming from this gay man, to an older straight friend was quite shocking!!

Mark: "I'm pregnant, you're the father, and I'm gonna kill all three of us!" ....She was quite a lady...

Claudette: I was about to give him a blowjob and he said, "Suck it like it's the last cock on Earth."

Jane:  I once typed a very graphic and rather perverted text to my (then) boyfriend Neil and promptly sent it to a work colleague called Neina....Actually that would be a better answer if the question was "Have you ever sent a text and then shouted NOOOOOOOO at your phone?"

Hey, get to the contest part, lady.

Okay fine, send in your worst sex talk and sexting fails and you will be entered to win this fine
Butterfly Bliss Silicone Waterproof Vibrator courtesy of Good Vibrations.  Winner will be determined by the vagaries of my whims. Deadline is, let's say, Friday, November 8. Enter via comment below, the IBWMW Facebook page, comment form at right or email.


*There is some evidence that it could be a chick thing. Females are more subject to distraction during sex. According to Kinsey:

Cheese crumbs spread in front of a pair of copulating rats may distract the female, but not the male.  A mouse running in front of a pair of copulating cats may distract the female and not the male. When cattle are interrupted during coitus, it is the cow that is more likely to be disturbed while the bull may try to continue with coitus. (Note: The word "coitus," btw, should never be used during coitus. Or maybe ever.)

** The separation of Smurfs and sex is a personal decision for me, and not one shared by everyone--as evidenced by this fan fiction "Smurfette's Springtime Encounter" which contains the following verbatim passage:

Tenderly, Rina reached up parting Smurfette’s hairy vagina lips. She could see a little pink bump at the top as Gargamel said. This caused the bound blonde Smurf to protest more, and try to wiggle her hips in hope to shake off Rina’s hand. Rina leaned forward with her tongue out placing it on the moist pink nub. There was a salty tang that wasn’t bad. She proceeded to move her tongue tip lightly over Smurfette’s clitoris. Smurfette’s pubic hair was course on her tongue.

(Photo via Passionate Sexual Healing)


Sabrina said...

So... I was foolish and, though a grown arse adult who knows better, found myself texting my randy husband during a college class I was taking. Such a teacher pet-peeve and giant no-no. She caught me ( I know, who smiles at their lap? so obvious.) confiscated my phone and brought it up to her desk, glanced at it... turned bright red, did an about-face and brought it back to me & told me to shut it off.

Picture texting can be fun.. or not, depending..

Little Queen Fish said...

Early in our relationship, my husband asked me to talk dirty during sex. I started with some fairly tame stuff, and all evidence indicated that it was well received. So one night, after a few glasses of wine, I decided that if a little dirty talk was good, lots of really dirty talk would be better. So there we were, going at it, and I exclaimed "Oooh yeah, pump my pussy harder!"

Instead of the frenzied thrusting I was expecting, he stopped dead with a startled expression...and then burst out laughing. And kept laughing. He managed to gasp out a Beavis-esque "You said 'pussy'!!" between fits of hysteria. We had to adjourn the session so he could compose himself, and so that I could attempt to salvage the remaining shreds of my dignity.

Ever since that day, we have had an unspoken pact to avoid that word in the bedroom.

a. said...

"I am just fuck ingredients with you. I love u"

instead of "i am just fucking with you"

i like fuck ingredients better. romantic. selfless. carnal in the purest form.

thanks again for your awesome blog

Johanna Rohleder said...

The very first time I had sex, I was in the back seat of a car. I had never gone farther than second base, and was pretty disgusted by the thought of giving a guy oral sex. So we're making out, things get hot and heavy, and he pulls away, gestures down at his crotch with both hands, and asks, "you want to, uh, suck on it?"

I jerk my head back like I had just caught a whiff of something terrible and almost shout, "No!"
Then, feeling like I should smooth things over and/or just get on with it, I added, "let's just stick it in."

Real classy.

in bed with married women said...

Sabrina, Due to your promptness, you are the winner! Send your mailing address to me at and your embarrassing parcel will be on its way to your mailbox.

Little Queen Fish, I completely loved your story--and all your comments actually. Happy to have you hangin around.

a. dig it. yeah, fuck those ingredients.

Johanna--god I love this story, and just awkward sex in general. not having it, but hearing about it, you know.

AR said...

I'm a part-time university teacher dating a (very) former student. Back before there was any thing in our anything (when he was my student), I texted him to arrange a meeting: it came out "meet me in my orifice" instead of "meet me in my office." Maybe that's where he got the idea...

Linda said...

I have a version of the text-sent-to-the-wrong-person story. My very graphic text (involving butterscotch sauce) went to a friend instead of my boyfriend. The said friend was already in a party I was going to later in the evening, and of course she couldn't resist showing it to everybody else in the party (I don't blame her. I would have, too). To this day I don't know why I still chose to go to that party, but at least it was very amusing to all of my friends...

in bed with married women said...

Linda, damn it, the contest is over. But thanks! And further damn it because you didn't tell me what was gonna go down w/ that butterscotch.

Can't Keep Anything to Myself said...

In the peak of the summer I sent my ex bf a half innocent pic. I was showing off my extreme tan lines with a caption commenting on how white my butt was. His reply was something to the effect of: "I want to grab your white ass," but unfortunately it went to his friend instead of to me. She was confused and then amused.