Friday, February 1, 2013

Kissless Marriage + Girl Crushes. That is, Reader Mail.

I don't want sole responsibility for ruining a reader's life with bad advice, so I submit these reader questions to you, Random Internet Stranger. Be gentle with them, will you?

1. Kissless Marriage
This question came in via TwitterIs it weird that my wife doesn't like to kiss me?

Hmmm, maybe. To me, kissing is somehow more intimate that actual banging. Maybe that's why prostitutes tend not to kiss their clients, saving that for their real lovers (Like I really know. This "knowledge" is based on, probably, 1980s Cosmo articles and the Xavier Hollander book-- The Happy Hooker--I snuck and read when I was a kid.)

Kissing is also important in all kinds of biological ways, only some of which we're beginning to understand (see also: On the Benefits of Someone Who Can Kiss the Hell Out of You.)

However, I have found that some of my older married friends have recently become way less interested in kissing their mates. Other sexual things are a-ok, it's just the kissing. I attribute this to:
--a). a subconscious pulling away from their mates.
--Or b.) my half-baked theory, as follows: maybe as women age and their hormones start to recede, some of them do sort of a reverse of what happens in puberty. Remember when you were a kid and kissing seemed so completely gross? Then hormones kick in, and kissing suddenly sounds like a very very good idea. Well, what if as hormones kick back out, kissing starts seeming a bit gross again? Maybe? Any opinions on my cockamamie theory?

None of this, however helps the poor Twitter fellow above because when I asked him if she'd liked kissing him in the past, he replied "No. Good point." So, if you've got some kissing insight for him, let's hear it.

2. Girl Crushes

Wrote Anonymous:  Have you ever written on the topic of married women developing crushes on their girlfriends who are also married... having it be mutual, and openly discussing it with their husbands - and somewhat exploring it? Not sure if this topic is of interest to you.  For obvious reasons it is of interest to me, ha!

I haven't written about it, so I told her if she was feeling brave and/or literary, she could write about it, True Wife's Tale-style.

Which she did:

Unfortunately I'm not literary... but I was feeling rather brave. So I wrote a VERY brief and light version of my true wives tale... however, I feel like I'm not able to actually do it justice. I felt compelled to share my little story, knowing that I'm not the only one that this has happened to.

Wow! She’s got a great ass! Oh, she’s beautiful! Look at her amazing boobs! We do that all the time to each other our girlfriends. Well, what happens when you start noticing every amazing part of one of your own friends, who you also happen to think is just an all around amazing woman? What happened to me when I started doing this was the development of a full-on girl-crush (and for the record, I've never been into women before.) I not only noticed, and appreciated every sexy curve, I started fantasizing about kissing her... then touching her, then fucking her in every way imaginable. This went on for months. Then I started to notice her looking at me. But I wrote it off, thinking that she was just that type of person who made really good eye contact with other people. It was not possible that we both had the hots for each other... after all, we were both happily married with beautiful children. And this shit only happens in porn movies (well, at least the porn movies that I like)!

After months and months of fantasizing, and really amazing eye contact and lots of ‘innocent’ flirting, I decided to tell her in a very innocent way that I had a girl crush on her. This took every bit of courage I had. I could not believe my good fortune, when she admitted it was mutual. So now what?! I had already shared my crush on her with my husband – who loves girl-on-girl dirty talk, and who was fully encouraging me to kiss her, or hell, let’s just all have a threesome!

To make a very long (a two-year saga with lots of emotional ups and downs) story short... kissing her was amazing, feeling her skin, was the most delicious thing I’ve ever felt, and while we’ve never actually fucked, I would do so in a heartbeat. However, now our relationship can be defined as strictly friends, who truly adore each other and who allow ourselves a private guilt-free self-indulgent wild fantasy from time-to-time.

And yes, I’m in love with her. And yes, I’m still in love with my husband. And most importantly I love myself for being able to balance being in love with two people. And I also love being able to compliment her on how damn sexy her ass is!

Thank you Anonymous for sharing your story, though I'm a bit unsatisfied. I want to hear about the "two-year saga with lots of emotional ups and downs" that you yaddayaddayaddaed away and why this is a fuck-free situation. But then, I am nosy, see above blog slogan, particularly the bit about "staring rudely."

3. ...And The Rest

The IBWMW Facebook page just hit 1,000 fans. Whee! It was kind of like watching a speedometer flip to zeros in a car traveling 4 miles/hour, but you know, better.

And a gigantic thank you to those of you who bought stuff through Amazon via the link in the upper right corner, thus allowing me to feed my young this week. I would love to thank you personally, but all buyers are completely anonymous. However, I do see what is bought and I have to admit I have a few questions for whoever it was that bought the Friday The 13th Jason Voorhees Axe Costume Accessory, Black, One Size.



Anonymous said...

Kissless and sexless marriage, whatever the chemical reason (or any other) really sucks (not the good kind; sexless, remember?). It becomes unbearable too as middle aging males typically enter the lifetime "cave" where they are re-assessing who they are and WTH they mean in life and what can be done now that the rug's been pulled out form under them by their under 40 "bosses", their sexuality is deemed "perverse" and the like, men need the intimacy of kissing, touching and yeah, heavens forbid, sex. That's unfortunately the time where female mates are sick of them and pull back. It's a cluster... um, not-frack. Bottom line, as a male in a sexless kissless marriage and I still love her and don't want to be with anyone else so it's unbearably painful any way I look at it, it just... su-... just blo-... it's terrible.

Anonymous said...

My only comment about the girl crush letter is that it's extremely hot. Wow-ee.

Carrie said...

On kissless marriage. I don't think that women necessarily have some hormonal reason for not wanting to kiss. I'm 44, and I'm so freaking horny all the time I sometimes catch myself looking at a head of cabbage in the supermarket veggie aisle and want to make out with it! I've also been married for 26 years and I still enjoy macking out with my man. Still, there's something about the familiarity that might cut into the kissing....when you live with someone day in, day out, pick up their dirty underwear off of the bathroom floor, sit on the couch watching Mad Men while they fart next to you...well, keeping it hot and romantic isn't an easy proposition for some. For me it's pretty blissful, "home is where the fart is" and all that. I think couples have kind of unrealistic expectations of each best advice? Think of all those things you find hot about your mate--and believe me, there are a lot of things if you ponder it. Appreciate what you have, enjoy the level of intimacy that includes dirty underpants and farts and revel in it. Life is too short, people...get with the program! Talk about your deepest, darkest fantasies (all of them--even the really, really dirty ones...ok, ESPECIALLY the really dirty ones) and let yourself go. You never have time to truly open up and explore your partner....even after all these years we still find hotness in the unfamiliar-familiar. And fuck like bunnies....orgasms are nice--giving and receiving.

Anonymous said...

I was the one who asked the question about kissing. My wife says she's never really enjoyed sexual kissing on the mouth (not a fan of saliva) and she feels comfortable enough with me to be honest about it. Other than that, the sex life is good.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous #1: So not perverse. Glad you see that. And I feel for you in all kinds of ways. And, well, if you want rip your soul out for a True Husband's Tale, I'm know tons of other people have the same thing going on and would love to hear your take on it.
Anonymous #2: Good, now i don't feel like such a weirdo for wanting to hear more.
Carrie: Woo-hoo, you're going all Katniss! Excellent excellent, esther perel-ish advice.
Anonymous #3: Uh, oh yeah, that was my third option that I forgot--that it was just a personal quirk, like how my one friend is terrified of balloons and another has a phobia of those little apple stickers. Glad that it's not as bad as i was thinking....

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, Carrie's comment made me laugh so hard I aspirated some Coke, the diet kind not the white powdery kind.

RE: Kissless marriage dude - Don't sweat it if she tells you she's just not that into it, as long as you're cool with it and the sex is still good. To be honest, I'm not a fan of kissing during sex because it can be a distraction from all the other amazing stuff going on with other body parts. But that's just me. Maybe I was a hooker in a former life. :)

Anonymous said...

Jill, I forgot to ask, what the hell is going on in the picture in this post? The one chick looks a little like Liz Taylor.

Anonymous said...

I could do some soul rippin' outtin' for a THT. Point me to it. --Anon#1

in bed with married women said...

Jenny Lyn, You, my friend, have just given me my next diversion from compiling a book. Picture details--I'm on it!

in bed with married women said...

Anon #1: Easy. 1. Rip out soul. 2. Shape into text shape. 3. Mail to me at You can be anonymous or pick a cool pseudonym.

Anonymous said...

Some men are just really not very pleasant to kiss--I'm a man--we can be so aggressive, and that is just so often not what is wanted.

I can easily imagine that a steady diet of aggressive kissing over the years could cause one to lose interest. Guys, pay attention, and mix it up a little.

Anonymous said...

Somewhere along the way I realized that I don't kiss my hussy (I've decided that should be the proper diminutive for "husband") much anymore. I don't know if the kissing stopped before we had kids, or after we stopped working and started spending 24/7 around each other, or when I started kissing other people again. But sometime in the last 15 years, we stopped swapping spit regularly. Sometimes I get in a mood and we get all kissyface, but many months can go by in between.

So there's another datapoint in the trend you identified. A trend which maybe means "No, it isn't weird." If that's what the reader meant with his question. When I read the question, I wasn't sure if the reader was saying, "Is this common?" or "Is there something wrong with me?" or "Do I have standing to address this as an issue?"

When I noticed our kisslessness, I kinda felt a little guilty because I still like kissing my other partner (a LOT), and in the recent past I enjoyed makeout sessions with people who didn't end up becoming partners. So We Talked About It. The talk might have started something like this: "Have you noticed we don't kiss much anymore? I kiss Other Partner a LOT, and really like it, but I just don't often get the urge with you. Do you miss it?" I always sugar-coat uncomfortable subjects just like that.

The whole point -- we talked about it, like we talk about our needs, most of our fantasies, and plenty of things that make no sense to ever say out loud. Maybe the reader should talk about it with his wife, if he hasn't, or if it's unresolved. Weirdness isn't important. What's important is that you're both cool with the lack-o-kissitivity, or working together to address the unmet need.

Incidentally, my hussy said he was fine with kissing being an occasional special or a rare treat instead of "the usual" fare it used to be -- there are plenty of other dishes we like to share, and variety is something something in a dietary analogy.

Lady J said...

It's not just wives who stop kissing either. My husband no longer really kisses me (on the lips-on-face lips) any more - we've been together nearly 8 years, married 5 years, and initially we kissed all the time. We still have sex (not as often as he'd like, due to us now having babies) but somehow the kissing and making out bit gets skipped/rushed over. I think this is a shame because starting with all that kissing stuff is much more likely to finish up as sex stuff.... (shades of Monty Python's Meaning Of Life - "give her a kiss boy!")... I also miss just making out with sex not necessarily being the end goal.... Having said all that, when we do kiss now, it's like we've forgotten how to do it sometimes, and it's not quite the same/as good as it used to be...

Anonymous said...

If your wife (or husband) doesn't like kissing on the mouth why not other little intimacies? Kissing on the neck, just under the ear is very intimate and fine in public, hold hands, touch - there are a thousand and one ways to be intimate, why not explore them?

tt said...

I have no credentials in counseling marriages, however:.
AS a man who has been with the same woman for several decades, I would narrow down his problem with his kissless marriage to two possible top reasons:

#1 He has bad breath.
Many people may brush their teeth daily but not realize that this is not enough. I know a few otherwise lovely women who have a serious issue with infections (probably in their gums) that give their mouths permanent dragon - breath. my advice: See dentist yearly and then daily flossing followed by a 40 second rinse with hydrogen peroxide BEFORE brushing every AM should help.

#2 His wife is duplicitous
When i was dating( Nixon administration) my future wife loved to go on outdoor adventures with me, loved going to movies, also loved dancing and especially loved long evenings spent making out in cars and on couches employing every possible type of kissing. She also told me more than once she loved my story- telling.
However, over the years I have been told in no uncertain terms that she:
..hates movies,
...hates dancing, afraid of going to new places, especially outdoor new places,
...hates popular music,
... hates french kissing,
...does not "get" my humor.
Now, having said all that, I still fell in love with her and married her, and I am confused about what this relationship says about me or her. Perhaps in 30 or 40 years you may be reflecting upon a history similar to mine.
Best of luck to him!
PS LOve your blog Jill!! Keep on Keepin' on

Jennifer McCoy said...

"However, I do see what is bought and I have to admit I have a few questions for whoever it was that bought the Friday The 13th Jason Voorhees Axe Costume Accessory, Black, One Size."

That was me :) What's your question? Isn't that a totally normal thing to buy in January? Haha.

Anonymous said...

So glad I'm not the only one with intense girl crushes. I'm married and in love with my husband, but also in love with a woman. The thing that makes it different from this story, though, is that I'm 19 and the woman is 52. Uhh. Yeah ok I'm probably the only one.

Belinda said...

Soft, sensual kisses. Yes! Shoving tongue in mouth and circling it round and round the same way every time...I'm done with that after 20 years.
I also get girl crushes, but the sexual fantasy never comes into it. I'm a bit dismayed by that though.