Monday, February 11, 2013

Fire Down Below!!!

1. We, as a people, can be unsmart
"Surely there's a blog in this," writes a reader from Long Beach, California, directing my attention to Ow! Public Hair Grooming Injuries on the Rise, Researchers Find. Feel free to click over to the article, though the title pretty much spells it out.

It's not horribly surprising news. Razors, scissors and/or hot wax  + delicate nether regions = someone's goin' to the emergency room. I am more surprised by the fact that there are any researchers scoring funding to follow this important issue, let alone a team of them. The best part is they got paid to go through old Playboys where they were supposedly analyzing the amount of pubic hair on centerfolds, which is researcher-speak for "just reading the articles."

2. Stuff to Put Between Your Legs
 I know I've become completely unhip when I'm getting sexual information from the Sunday newspaper coupon supplement--home of ads for pastel colored stretch pants, for fuck's sake--but that's exactly what's happened. This Sunday's coupon supplement, clearly working blue, had ads for a Vibrating Tri-phoria Intimate Massager and Trojan Intensified Charged Orgasmic Pleasure condoms, which judging from the packaging (left) are like Emergen-C for your junk. Or you could just put a few Pop Rocks and some Dr. Pepper in your condom and save yourself some money.

For display purposes only
Meanwhile, Playtex is hawking "Fresh + Sexy Before and After Intimate Wipes" in tampon box-like packaging that says both "New!" and "Nouveau!" to give them that continental flair. You are to wipe yourself with these before sex to make sure that your snatch smells clearly of hand sanitizer. Then, afterwards, you leap out of bed to OCDishly scrub yourself of your lover's offending essence. The product, btw, is marketed toward both sexes, so that men can enjoy the gender equality of frantically "sanitizing" their balls, pre-love. I say we all just encase ourselves in thick plastic, ala your old lady neighbor's "good" living room furniture, and be done with it. Or, if you're on the go, just hang a couple of pine tree air fresheners down there for a quick fix.

3. Experience the Zestra Rush. Because I'm too Scared.

Via Twitter, a reader suggested I try out an arousal oil called Zestra and experience something called the Zestra Rush. I watched a video of a middle-aged woman online who was experiencing said rush there on camera and she seemed happy enough, so I asked the company for a sample. I was all into the idea until my friend and I decided to look up the reviews on Amazon and they were wretched. Stunningly so.  I became fascinated by the way the reviewers tried to capture the exact badness of the smell or horrific feeling it gave to the crotchal region. Behold these actual reviews.

--It smells bad, like a nauseating burnt candy smell, sweet and bad at the same time.
-- The smell is so disgusting powerful, basal and kind of oily soapy that it was hard for us to even stay focused.
-- ...the smell of the product reminds me of latex gloves.
-- It literally smells like a fast food restaurant.
-- The smell is so bad I gagged!....The worst part is I couldn't wash the smell away. I washed my hands 3 times and it wouldn't go away! 
 --I was so sickened by the stench of it that I was barely able to continue consummation!...My wife and I finished with the "process", but two minutes after we recovered, we turned to one another and said, "Ok, is it me or does this stuff smell like dirty bacon grease?"
-- It smells horrible. Like.. rotten pork mixed with plastic. And as if the smell wasn't off putting enough, after application I felt like I had fire crotch!...this just made it complete misery.
-- It was probably the equivalent of rubbing Oragel on your genitals. My husband said it was the worst thing he had ever tasted.
--My wife stated it was like rubbing kerosene on herself and lighting it.
-- I have tried the product and had a horrible burning sensation that would not cease. Had to literally keep cold water on the area to get some relief. DO NOT BUY, DO NOT ORDER A SAMPLE, STAY AWAY FROM THIS PRODUCT!!!

So now I am completely afraid to use it. But maybe some of you have no such qualms? I have four little packets of it that I am generously willing to give to four of you if you're into the fire crotch thing. (There were some good might be one of the ones who like it...)

If you feel like playing fast and loose with your groin and trying some of this stuff, just drop me a line or leave a comment saying you want some. (Don't worry, if you leave a comment and don't specifically say you want some, I'm not forcing it upon you.)

Anyone feeling brave? First come, first served...


Anonymous said...

1. No Zestra for me. Thanks anyway.

2. Your comment on wrapping us all in plastic: reminds me of the dude in Naked Lunch (the book, anyway) that went to a costume party dressed as a condom.

3. You: hilarious as always.

Unknown said...

That must be quite the pork smell to be wafting up from the abyss all the way to the nostrils!

in bed with married women said...

Lukman--thank you! <3
Tricia--I know. And someone said they were scrubbing their hands with vinegar...and yet the smell remained.

ps. if anyone opts to try it, they have to tell the rest of us what happened. if they, you know, live.

Unknown said...

I think I'll pass on the Zestra - I'm just not that into the whole crotch on fire thing.

Anonymous said...

I'll try it. But I don't have a sense of smell, so I might be a terrible guinea pig unless you are interested in the crotch-on-fire aspect? Now I'm nervous, though, because if I apply it, HOW bad does it smell? Like, if I forget and then I go pick up my kids from school or something, are people going to back away or call the fire department or something? Then it isn't like I can explain what happened, you know? *is alarmed*

Cagey-C said...

This is a hilarious post. I was particularly amused by the Amazon reviewer who dropped the word "consummation," and then was so delicate to place quotations marks around "process." I'm curious, though, whether he'd have found the product any better if it had smelled like regular old bacon grease instead of like dirty bacon grease.

Hmm. Since "Harder Fucker man" is already in use, maybe I'll try out "Dirty Bacon Grease man." Or maybe not.

Unknown said...

First time commenter, drawn out of lurking by a twisted curiosity about Zestra. Because I'll try pretty much anything once, particularly if it's free. I am open-minded, frugal and occasionally a bit of a masochist.

Love reading your work, even when I'm supposed to be doing mine...

Space Cowgirl said...

Jill, how can you resist the temptation to open one and smell it????? Please post your olfactory assessment (no need to describe 'crotch on fire' thing, thanks)

in bed with married women said...

My Half Assed Life--a perfectly reasonable position.
Keppie and Sarah C--You asked for it. Send me your mailing address and I'll send some your way. And don't forget, you have to tell us what happens.
Cagey-Yes, I did enjoy thinking of that couple mmming and ooohing to each other while secretly thinking, "Bacon grease? Oily latex...?"
Space Cowgirl, My friend and I tried some on when we were watching our children play at the park. Far less sordid that it sounds--we just put in on the back of hands and smelled and it seemed...okayish. No burning and no unremoveable heinous smell. I licked it because i am a badass like that and it seemed ok as well.(I would be happy to identify my friend but i doubt she wants to be googleable with the tag "applied Zestra in a public park with children around.")
hell, maybe I should try it. still on the fence.

cathyj said...

I wanna see the "Public" hair!

in bed with married women said...

Cathyj, well it is public, so i guess it's ok. and thanks for catching that.

Unknown said...

Last paragraph reminded me of a sad old ode:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Onions smell
and do you.

ValdVin said...

As my wife already has some skin issues around the vajayjay and perineum, we've skipped anything from trustable makers (of condoms or gels) who've created things to "heat" or "tingle" anyway.

I can't imagine this Zestra is our cup of tea. My instinct is that the first warning is "do not apply to broken skin". But I'm curious if someone's done that by mistake, and what happened.

Anonymous said...

OH MY! I'll take the word of those folks and you because I like my special area nice and cool. I'll pass on the fire crotch.