Thursday, March 26, 2015

Real Sex Lives: Dusky, "I have had one great love and one great lover, and they are not the same man."

I chose this to illustrate the concept of having two balls in
the air.  However, not quite sure why model has made a
couch fort of those (exceptionally stylish!) throw pillows. 
(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're re-running IBWMW's all-time greatest Real Sex Stories. So get comfortable there and have a look.)

Real Sex Lives, nee True Wife's Tales, are an occasional feature of In Bed With Married Women. ("Occasional," as Webster defines it, "whenever I am too fucking lazy to write a new post and/or someone happens to send one in.")

The idea behind them is that when someone (originally it was just wives, but really, it can be anyone) tells the truth about their sex life (or lack thereof), we all Learn and Grow, and can thus scamper unfettered out into the world to have freer, better--I don't know--somehow truer sex.

At the very least, RSTs allow you to indulge in the lower pleasures of Voyeurism and/or Judging.* So enjoy.

We are starting with one of my very favorites, a three-parter, from Dusky, a woman who I love so much we've become virtual friends even though she lives far, far away.


*Judge all you want, but keep that $%$# to yourself, please. These are real people being brave and 'fessing up.

Dusky, early 30s.

     Jill, thank you for your blog, it is a great read… and also a great comfort to read different experiences of love & sex. 
     I feel I live with a secret pain... I get a pang of hurt every time it is suggested that great sex & great love go hand in hand.  I feel surrounded by the idea that naturally the greatest sex of your life will be with the love of your life. The implication being that sex is a litmus test of the true inner feelings of two people, that if you really loved one another, the sex would be spectacular.
     I have had one great love and one great lover, and they are not the same man.
     My husband and I had a very romantic story, falling head-over-heels in love almost instantly and moving in together in less than two weeks. We stayed up all night talking, talking, talking… and by day we spent hours on end just sitting, gazing at one another and sighing. In between the talking and the gazing, we did manage some sex too. I don't remember if it was great sex then, it was just part of celebrating our enraptured love, taking our physical closeness and affection to the extreme.
     Since the 'in love' phase of our relationship has faded, we are still a ludicrously happy couple. We are best friends, and true partners. I never thought I would want to live with someone full-time, but having found the right person to live with my life is a constant joy, full of love, affection, fun & laughter. Friends and family consider us soul-mates, strangers can see how compatible we are. And everyone assumes our public physical affection is a sign of the great sex we must be having at home.
     The reality is sex has always been the less satisfying aspect of our relationship, particularly for me. After 5 years of trying to train my well-meaning husband to please me, I have pretty much given up.  We have agreed to an open marriage as I feel it is the only chance to get the satisfaction I crave. We continue to have fun, loving sex within our marriage, but now I can look outside for the intense, smouldering, sensual passion that I have missed.
     I have reignited communication with a man from my past. We never lost contact, but until recently we only shared rare & friendly messages. Now we are all the way back to regular, completely sexual communication: describing in detail what we want to do to one another, even sharing porographic photographs of ourselves.  For now it is a little thrill, in the hope that we will make it a reality someday (we live in different countries). I am sure he is not the only man who can satisfy me physically, but he happens to be the one I have experienced who can. The sex with this man was well beyond any other sex I have had. I've always enjoyed sex, I tend to be quite uninhibited, but this man knew how to really blow my mind. Sometimes I am overcome with vivid memories of that sex and I just ache to experience it again.  For some reason we felt an instant physical attraction to one another, and somehow that translated to an intense physical chemistry and sexual compatibility.
     I believe I have two mates in this life, one that meets all my mental and emotional needs, another who meets my physical needs. And generally, my little arrangement which allows me both makes me very happy. But sometimes I am very sad that they are not the same person, that the man I love can't really experience this sensual side of me. It is hard to have sex conversations (and I do love sex conversations!) with anyone other than people I know VERY well. People probably think I'm being prudish when I fail to join in their talk of sexy times with their partners, when I am just hiding the truth that the spectacular sex I would like to be talking about was with someone else entirely.
     An old friend told me a story years ago, before I met my husband. She said a friend had a most wonderful partner, they all adored him and thought she was the luckiest girl on earth to have snagged such a kind, beautiful person. They couldn't understand why she wasn't sure about the relationship. Then one day she confided in them - he was bad in bed. My friend said they reacted as though she'd said he had cancer - they just felt so sorry for her.
     Well my husband isn't entirely useless in bed, but I know how that woman felt. When you're with a wonderful man who is bad in bed, everyone else sees this perfect relationship on the outside, and don't how much it hurts to hide the frustration you feel on the inside.

Would you like to tell your own story? Just sit down at the computer, rip your heart out, and jot the results down in an email and send it to:

(photo source)


Midge said...


I am glad that you have been able to keep both aspects in your life. I can completely understand the need for fabulous sex. Once you have experienced it, no substitute will do.

Dicky Carter said...

Interesting story. I suppose this type of relationship is more common than society might imagine. I find the opposite myself; whereby I have found the best sex of my 43 years has been over the last 6 years since I met my current partner, and I love her with all my heart. That's what is great out sex though: different folks, different strokes. Great blog you have here.

IBWMW Minister of IT said...

Hi Dusky,

I hear you ... sometimes that happens. Do you know the reason for the lack of disconnect horizontally? I have no idea what you have tried.

I am also in my 30s, have been in a relationship for the last seven years with a wonderful man, whom I love with all my heart. I have had plenty of relationships and some of them were sexually fiery (unfortunately in all aspects) and have not worked out.

I often question if having fire in bed and balance emotionally is even possible. I know Jill has written about it and physiologically it seems that when you have one, your body chemistry throws a wrench in there.

My partner was not very good in bed for several reasons: lack of experience, upbringing, lack of exposure, seeing sex in a taboo way, etc. I am not going to lie, it has been sometimes frustrating, sometimes discouraging, sometimes eye-opening and sometimes mind-blowing. But everytime we hit the jackpot, it is so rewarding, to see his evolution in the sack is ... well just great!

I am the forever curious, the forever hungry for a better orgasm. He was content with the status quo. I have always been able to reach orgasm during sex because I know me. I know how to get me there and I believe my orgasm is my responsibility, which is great, but ... it is a double-edge sword, because they think it is solely them and without even knowing, you are just enabling the continued boring sex.

:) I already feel like this message is too long but in a nutshell, reflect and see if you are enabling the behavior. I know when I allowed that and then I wanted more, my partner was hurt because he could not understand why what we had was not enough. Best of luck :)

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Thank you Dusky! Been there, done that. My ex and I had been together for three years, we knew each other inside and out, we understood each other perfectly, he was my best friend, he was sweet, caring, genuine, smart. He moved half way across the country for me. The list goes on and on. And when we broke up everyone asked me what I was thinking. I told everyone a lot of different things, many of which were true, but the one thing I didn't mention was that our sex life had fizzled. It was never completely mind blowing, but it was fairly decent at one point. And then things just went downhill. We were pretty smitten at one point, but now I wonder was there really something there or was it just puppy love. I guess it's not really the same scenario at all. I just totally related to not wanting to tell people that the sex you're having isn't that great. The truth is I was getting bored, but it wasn't just sex. Our relationship in general had just lost its fire. If things hadn't ended so poorly, we'd probably still be great friends because we understand each other on such a deep level. As it is, I can barely stand to see him anymore.
Sorry my essay is super all over the place and didn't really have a point. Guess I just wanted to rant. Maybe I will send you a TWT's, Jill.

jenerosity said...

After all the "bad sex" writing (including my own), it's wonderful to see such GOOD, thought-provoking stories, and the responses here are heartfelt.

Jill, you are doing a great thing here!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness. I frequently stalk this blog from the sidelines, and it always fascinates, but this piece really hit home.

Being a recently married 20-something who loves sex, loves her hubby- just unfortunately does not love the sex with her hubby- I often wonder if there is any solution other than an open marriage that he and I can work on. It's daunting to try and tell the man you love that even his best can't match up to what you need.

Hallelu to Dusky for finding a solution to an incredibly awkward problem.

Anonymous said...

Like other commenters, I really appreciate this story since I've been there too. I broke up with my partner of 6 years (we were planning to marry, we'd picked out kids' names, his family was my family etc) a little over a year ago because of this. We had the most "perfect" relationship; it was better than many, if not all, of the other relationships we'd ever witnessed. But the lack of physical chemistry between us (btw, he was my "first" and only) led me to make out with another man 3 years into our relationship. I felt horrible about it, and when he could not agree to opening the relationship, I vowed to be faithful. But after another 3 years (of blah sex and telling myself I was "asexual"), I wandered again, and I finally had to admit out loud that I had no attraction to him and that was clearly something I needed.

I miss the stability and compatibility of our relationship, but if partners can't reach a mutually-agreeable and honest solution, then what is left? So I applaud you and your husband for what you have and also for being able to be honest and enabling each other to meet your individual needs.

Dusky said...

Wow, thanks for all the support & thoughtful thoughts everyone. It makes me very pleased that I shared my story here!

I do wonder if it is partly difficult to have that physical passion within this sort of relationship... part of the attraction to the lover is the inequality of our relationship, his bad-boyness etc, which all contributes to the sexual tension.

I've had many thoughts & over-analysis of the situation in general... in the end, I'm very happy with our current solution & hope it continues to work for both of us into the future. Will just have to see how we go!

Anonymous said... wee...i have had a very similar thing happen and was actually thinking the other day that loud, screamy, neighbour annoying, crazy, window busting, bed spring injury, jungle monkey sex and deep, unconditional love are not necessarily a mutually one and the same thing...well for me at least as both have occurred to me and both were separate...but i am still a youngster...
damn..this is really interesting and i am sure will coax a lot of responses to be sure...
hooroo for now!

Anonymous said...

This post has literally scared me from marriage. I mean no harm and offense to Dusky, and those with the same beliefs/arrangements, but as someone who is slightly more traditional, I can't help but feel a little distraught that maybe this IS the disregarded status quo, and what I want for my future is probably naive and not at all feasible.

When I was 18, my mother and I had a heart-to-heart about finding love. During the first 10 years of her marriage with my dad, my dad had an affair (apparently caused by their distance as a result of migration working and unsatisfactory sex life). In the end, they worked it out together and even now she confesses that they seldom have sex (yeah I know how strange it is that my mother and I can communicate like this), but that they both feel sacrificing that portion of their relationship compensated for the fulfillment they had in raising 5 children together. Even now as a college student, my dad is irritated when I call home and he just wants alone time with my mom. It's sweet and at the same time acceptable to me.

When I hear this alternative from Dusky, I feel appalled, because the first thing I think about regarding the issue is my parents. What if THEY went down that road? I feel that I would never forgive my parents for ever breaking their loyalty to each other.

Then again, loyalty is such an elastic word these days. It's thrown around and redefined to umbrella all these little quirks and arrangements.

Even thinking about myself in this situation seems preposterous. I don't know. Maybe because I'm 19 years old and still in love that I can't imagine even looking at another man with lust. However, I would be a hypocrite to deny that I sometimes crave attention from other men, because I DO. I actually attribute that to an insecurity buried deep in my subconscious because of social norms and paradigms, etc... NOT because of this need to have mind blowing sex (which my boyfriend and I don't have any such sex).

I don't know. Someone needs to explain this to me. Sorry for the rant, but this is just breaking down the pillars of my naivete I guess and it's hard for me to accept something SO different from what I am used to.

Naked Girl in a Dress said...

This was an interesting read. Fascinating and so honest.