Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Bad Sex Week: What Have We Learned?

I learned what an "incubus" is. (By Googling the word,
not by being visited by an evil spirit who had his way
 with me while I slept. Now unsure if I am happy or sad
about my lack of evil spirit sex.)
Did we learn anything from trudging through the dimly lit backwaters of Bad Sex Week? Or did we just unnecessarily gross each other out, resulting in a statistically significant reduction in lasagna consumption per capita? (Sorry 'bout that...)

Let's sift through the debris, shall we?

1. The winner of the Bad Sex Contest and the fabulous vibrating panties is Cagey-C. Barely. It was sooooo friggin' close. So, other entrants, if you're bemoaning your completely upsetting lack of vibrating panties, please know that it could have just as easily been you emitting a low buzzing noise from your nether regions.

2. Bad literary sex spans all genres. Bear witness to these selections from Paul Goat Allen's Huffington Post article on bad paranormal sex:

• "While I stood stock-still, paralyzed by conflicting waves of emotion, Eric took the soap out of my hands and lathered up his own, set the soap back in its little niche, and began to wash my arms, raising each in turn to stroke my armpit, down my side, never touching my breasts, which were practically quivering like puppies who wanted to be petted." –Dead to the World by Charlaine Harris 
• "My nipples waved hello at him as he pulled down the cups of my bra." – Tracking the Tempest by Nicole Peeler 
• “His man lance prepared for duty.” – Naked Dragon by Annette Blair 
• "I let my hand stroke boldly downward, my fingers aching to set him free, to grasp his turgid magnificence." – A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang 
• “Fuck me,” I said. “Fuck me, God, fuck me, just fuck me. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, please, please, please, just fuck me.” – Incubus Dreams by Laurell K. Hamilton 
• "...I had my very own orgasm, a moment so explosive it was like I'd been saving up for a holiday." – Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris 
• "He was a velvet rock in my hand." – A Brush of Darkness by Allison Pang 
• "She has seaweed pubes." – Tempest Rising by Nicole Peeler 
• “His body knew only one goal, to bury itself into the snug fist of her femininity and let it milk him dry.” – Demon Rumm by Sandra Brown 

• “Her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest, a field neatly furrowed; it was a nest, a pomegranate, an arrowhead, a rune. It was a shadow. It was moss on a smooth white stone. There was an orchid within the moss. There was a drop of dew upon the orchid. It had the breath of moss-beds, of the deep seas, of the abyss, of scrimshaw and blue glass, of cold iron; she had the sex of rain forests, the ibis and the scarab; she had the sex of mirrors and candles, of the hot, careful winds that stroke the veldt, the winds that taste of clay and seed and blood; the winds that dreamed of tawny, lean animals.” – Bronwyn: Silk & Steel (Bronwyn, 2) by Ron Miller 

Mmm, ain't nothin' like a fresh can of vagina!
3. And finally, and most importantly, there exists in our world...Canned Vagina! Vagina in a Can! Oh, fuck, I never get tired of saying it! And I am not alone in this. A mother at my kids' school--a lovely, kind, very very religious lady--became similarly enchanted by the idea of Canned Vag and came up to me the other day and said quietly, "They should make Canned Ass, too." The weird thing was...I was thinking the very same thing. It made me feel kind of We are the World-ish because I realized, that day in front of the school, that the very best ideas transcend our different belief systems/religious ideals. The necessity of Canned Ass was something we could both agree on.
Canned Ass®-- a convenient, shelf-stable solution to all your ass needs.
Canned Ass®--When you want some ass, but don't have time for fresh.
Canned Ass®--It's what's for (after) dinner.

Right, I should probably stop now.

I will instead work on seeing if I can make my nipples wave hello, ala Tracking the Tempest above. Might come in handy when I'm walking the dog and need to greet a neighbor and whatnot.



Red Shoes said...

Do you know what a succubus is? :oD


in bed with married women said...

Shoes, NOW I do:

From the Urban Dictionary:
succubus: A demoness from Hell whose sole purpose is to drain the souls of men by having sex with them while they are asleep. Also referred to as the "Temptress of the Night".

I love their sample sentence: "If you wake up feeling very weak, and with a painful erection, you probably made love to a succubus."

Because clearly THAT is the most likely scenario...

Anonymous said...

The instant I posted my comment, I read it to my husband, who said, "Check out Fleshlight; they have as part of their Sex in A Can line-up... Ass in A Can!" You can also get great Mouth in A Can options like Succu-Dry.


Red Shoes said...

"Because clearly THAT is the most likely scenario..."




Cagey-C said...

Whoa! Thank you! I was not expecting that. And with this heavy responsibility laid upon me, I do solemnly swear that our dinner parties are going to be even more fun than before.

in bed with married women said...

Week Bi Week, Dear God, you are right. So I have learned 3 new things today. I am wondering if those sex in a cans are for a more long-term (relationship?) use, as opposed to the canned vag, which is disposable. they are 42 bucks so i'm thinking long-term. and say thanks to your husband!

jenerosity said...

I AM bemoaning the fact that I lost, but I would bemoaning even more if I won. Ha!

It was great though, drumming up votes, from my sisters, my boss, and random facebook friends, not all of which shared my enthusiasm. lol

Congrats Cagey-C! I'm glad they will be put to good use!

Vesta Vayne said...

Yay for Cagey-C, you and your lady put that thing to good use!

And...Vag in a Can?


Why? Is that something you put in your emergency supply stash? Water? Check! Food rations? Check! Canned Vag? Check!

Well, whatever gets you through the power outage.

Gia said...

Sigh... well, it was an honor to be nominated!

"breasts, which were practically quivering like puppies who wanted to be petted"

Gross. And WHAT? puppies don't do that. They don't quiver in anticipation. Don't ruin puppies for me.

in bed with married women said...

jenerosity, now THAT is good sportwomanship. and thank you for your story. i really did laugh out loud (which I WILL NOT abbreviate) when I read it.

Vesta--i like to keep some canned vag on hand for unexpected visitors, as well.

Gia, oh man! the guilt! now I have ruined lasagna AND puppies. and probably canned vag too.

Belinda said...

Canned Ass: for when you don't want to make that embarrassing 911 call that the cucumber is stuck in your real ass.
IBWMW, you have now taken away my desire to read the Sookie Stackhouse series. I had no idea Charlaine Harris wrote her sex so bad.

Anonymous said...

man lance, bwaaaa ha haaa haa!