Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Bad Sex Week, Day 3: Sex Toys

Wondering what this is? You will never guess.
Don't even try, because you'll never, EVER get it.
(But don't worry, I'll tell you at the end of the post.)
Still trying to think of something for the Bad Sex contest? (fabulous prize: a pair of vibrating panties--squeee!)

May I submit For Your Consideration... something with sex toys?

Sex toys are fraught with opportunities for error, awkwardness and injury. That is, the basic elements of bad sex.

And Sex Toy Bad Sex can happen to any of us. Like, oh, me, for example. At one of those in-home sex toy parties, a bunch of friends and I, lured by tantalizing prospect of driving our respective mates to ecstasy, all bought sleeve-like male masturbation devices called something like The Pearl Power Piston. It was like this blue thing in the photo:
But it was clear and had marble-sized pearls embedded up and down its (her?) sides.

Anyhoo, as we all soon discovered, if one were to, say, put the sleeve over a certain husband's shaft, and use one's mouth for stimulation of the head, one would soon notice a foreign substance in one's very surprised mouth. Said substance was not, upon inspection, ejaculate or anything, you know, expected, but rather, a marble-sized pearl. Then later, another. And another. And so on, until a little stack of inadequately attached pearls had collected on the nightstand.

I suppose in certain circles, it would be a perfect blow job-giving incentive for a woman to receive random dispensation of jewelry during the act, but for the rest of us, not so much.

It that case it was shoddy workmanship, so I hold us entirely blameless. However, other times, I do blame user due to their choice of sex toy. I mean, you only need to take a quick look at a device like the V-String Masturbator (see also: Boxers, Briefs or...Mangina?) to know that some really Bad Sex is gonna be going down. (And that #$%$ is $224!)

(Um, no offense if you love your Mangina. I'm sure when you wear one, it's very very sexy. Very sexy indeed!)

I thought I had already discovered all the sex toys with Bad Sex potential. I mean, we've already covered your genuine horse hair anal plugs, your Slave Driver Fucking Machines and your Ultimate Ass Lock (the chastity belt for your ass with the Best Slogan Ever: "Sometimes, you want others to know your ass is off-limits.")

But yesterday, while having a what-the-fuck-it's-only-day-3-of-Bad-Sex-Week-and-I-already-got-nothin', I stumbled upon 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys on

Yes, I took a certain pride in seeing that the V-String Masturbator was #1, but I was also pleased to see that there was a whole host of scary-ass sex toys that I'd never seen (And, believe me, it's not like I haven't looked.)

If you're too lazy to click over to read it yourself--don't feel ashamed, I've been there too--I'll give you the highlights.  Like this, the Pogo Stick for 2:

This different kind of pogo stick has springs and dildos so you can jump up and down with it inside of you. Suggests Cracked's Ian Fortey, "Why, they even added an attachment for a friend so you can stare into each other's eyes as you both come to the realization you're suffering massive genital trauma..."

Or perhaps you prefer something in a snappy pair of Enema Piss Rubber Pants:

Writes Fortey: "What's the best way to combine as many godawful fetishes into one place, preferably a pair of pants, as quickly and efficiently as possible?" Exactly. I like how the rubber pants are so sleek and aerodynamic as though the big ol' pee bag on the side won't be slowing you down. (Again, pee and poo lovahs, I'm not saying your excrement isn't the hottest damn thing around. You keep at it!)

Go check out the rest of the article if you want to see more scary-ass stuff like the Drilldo (ack!), a Granny Blow-Up Doll or the Extreme Ass-Spreader (no thanks, I'm good right now!) but I will leave you today with my very favorite, this....Disposable Canned Vagina!

I'm not even going to bother making a joke here, because it's a fucking CANNED VAGINA!! This my friends, is proof positive that the Future Is Now. Vagina in a fucking can!
*Wandering off while muttering and shaking head in wonder*

Remember you can still enter the Bad Sex Contest. Click the link for rules and junk.


dirtycowgirl said...

They're wrong in their own special way, but I can't figure out how using the pogo stick is NOT gonna end up with a visit to the nearest emergency room.

Gia said...

Honestly, the incentive of jewelry (or even just chocolate) would probably make me try a little harder, bj wise. Not a terrible idea.

in bed with married women said...

dirtycowgirl--maybe you don't get real vigorous with the jumping? like slow, sensual pogo stick jumping? no that doesn't even make sense, never mind.
gia--okay THAT my friend is our first invention.

The second, simultaneously though of by both my friend and I, ASS in a Can. I know. Genius, right?