Monday, January 24, 2011

Enough With the Freakin' Robot Sex, Lady

(part of 3 of what has become the In Bed With Married Women Robot Sex Trilogy, a series so generally unpopular that it makes me want to write about it all the more.)

A few readers have noted the bitter inequality that is the lack of male sexbots. If you are a women, and want to get down with an inanimate human-type object, you have to go with gay robot lovin'. Gay robot lovin' is fine and all that, and I do appreciate there being an area where gay chicks don't get shafted, as it were, but as the lovely Barreness put it, "Um...where's the dude version." Chimed in Harleyq, "What about some ripped rubbed action for those not willing to share personal attention with the T.V.?"

Well, y'all raise a valid point, but don't be rushing to renew your NOW membership quite yet, or better yet do, but heed these words: The way robot technology is today you do not want gender equality. I draw your attention to the TrueCompanion site, the web site for Roxxxy, the interactive sexbot. I linked to this before, but it was only later, after you all were gone, that I looked, really looked, at that site, and damn, is it bad.

If you don't want a visit to a sexbot site in your computer's search history (and I would encourage you to figure out the "private browsing" feature--stat), I can give you the highlights since, as I've noted before, my computer's search history is already a ravaged mess, filled with web sites for balloon sexual fetishes, disembodied vagina sex toys and, most recently, the home page for the National Organization of Women.

If I was at your house showing you the True Companion web site (and don't think I won't do it), I would point out:
1. The hideous quality of the site. Web sites and sexbots both are computer-based and, on that alone, I can safely say that there is no way in hell that I would have sex with anything designed by the same people who made the site.
2. Creepy videos.

The guy on the left (above) who looks like George Costanza is Roxxxy's creator. In all his video appearances, he wears this same white lab coat. I guess it's so he doesn't look like a creepy-ass weirdo, but the coat doesn't quite do the trick. But look at Roxxxy! I mean, where to start? The way she is sitting, her drag queen body and worse--if you are brave enough to watch the video--the frightening way she turns her head to look at him. Creeeeaaak! Aaaaaaaah! It's alive! Also, there is the matter of that hideous couch, but at this point, I think that's the least of our worries.

Or this, a video in which Roxxxy demonstrates her "new leg, head and body movement in action!"

In it, Lab Coat Dude sits at a computer, trying desperately to convey that not only is he a respected member of the medical community, he's also computer literate. This is immediately disproved with the continuation of the vid which inexplicably has no sound. In eerie silence, Roxxxy demonstrates her new hip movement by thrusting in the general direction of an wooden dining room chair. Although she is wearing thigh-highs and animal print undies (rawwrr!), she moves with the sensuality of a bag of frozen peas. Right in the middle of the damned thing, Mr. Lab Coat walks into frame--not to have his dirty, dirty way with Roxxxy--but to remove her wig! Help! Suddenly bald Roxxxy! Not real girl, scary robot! Fantasy abruptly ruined! He sort of fondles her bald pate for a moment, then places the wig back on and walks back out of frame. I think he is demonstrating something, but we'll never know what because over at TrueCompanion they haven't yet mastered the technology of talkies. (Again, they can't even put friggin' sound on videos. Do you really want to stick your wiener in something they've designed?)

3. The history page for TrueCompanion in which mention is made of an earlier 1993 'bot called Trudy. She was not "user-friendly" is all they will allude to, and frankly, I don't think I want to know any more. Also mentioned in the history are 9/11, a dead friend and the idea of recreating said dead friend via talking robot which robot!

And finally, 4. A male robot is indeed in the works. His name in Rocky. On his order form (he's about $7000 plus $19.99 monthly service fees), you can choose his hair color, race, razor stubble ($100 extra), etc... I was briefly intrigued until I remembered the horror of the Roxxxy video. I can only imagine what sort of hideous barely-representative-of-human-male creature would arrive at my doorstep. They won't even show Rocky's picture on the site, so I think he might look a lot like the Rocky from Mask.  (My worse fear: Rocky looks just like Mr. Lab Coat, despite my asking for a German-speaking Asian man with black eyebrows, hairstyle #7, and paying $100 extra for razor stubble.)

Oh wait, I forgot about 5. The weird prudish language on the site. Here's what they have to say about Rocky:
When you are using Rocky’s private “area”, it is like sleeping with a beautiful hunk that is really big down there and he moves it around to please you instead of just pleasing himself! Plus, the vibrations from his manhood coupled with his erotic personality is described as unbeatable. 
"Private 'area'"? "Down there"? "It"? "Manhood"? What the fuck is that? "Attention purchaser, touch me in my private 'area.' Feel the vibrations from my manhood as it touches you 'down there.'"

Oh, I could go on, but my butt, it grows numb. Suffice it to say, if you have a spare $7000 earmarked for sex toys, I can think of about 233 better things to spend your money on. I bet you can, too. (May I suggest Good Vibrations? Good products, eco-friendly policies and a sweet sweet cut to IBWMW if you buy something through this link.)


Ed said...

That's two posts in a row where peas are mentioned in a robo-sexual context. There's no way that can be just coincidence, there's a backstory there just waiting to be told.

Jill Hamilton said...

Brandi, sorry about the disturbing mind fuck. I may as well warn you right now, though, that's that how it generally goes around here. To wit:

Ed and his (correct, unfortunately) observation of my dual peas mention in a "robo-sexual context" (what a delightful turn of phrase). In my defense, one was a CAN of peas, the other a bag of FROZEN peas, but I guess this didn't adequately hide my robo-sexual pea fetish. Damn!

Ed said...

No regrets Jill. For my money, IBWMW is the best FREE AND NO SIGNUPS vegan robosex site on the whole internet.

Harleyq said...

I think its safe to say you "cured" me of any leftover curiosity on robot sex boys/toys. Thanks Doc!!

The Barreness said...

Um...okay really?

I am now dying. DYING. for a preview of Rocky.

Whom I will promptly rename for Rafael or Paulo or something more...suitable in a name for my sex toys.

- B x

Jill Hamilton said...

Ed, don't forget, we also have lots of talk about penices and other misspelled body parts.

Harleyq, any time!

feolindo said...

"LIFE! Give my creation LIFE!!!! (and the ability to deliver a first-rate hose job)

OldGuy said...

This post causes me some concern. It is my understanding that most women get more (at least temporary) satisfaction from mechanical devices. This is fine and understandable, as most (non-mechanical) men have insufficient training/inclination to be any improvement, and usually have significant negative side-effects, such as snoring, lack of stamina, (long list of negative male attributes).

I am somewhat distressed that there are repeated movies made featuring attractive (female) robots/androids/synthetic things.

Haven't seen one yet featuring the reverse. Of course that may be related to the general lack of females in power in Hollywood...

At any rate, speaking as a male, on a blog that is so excellently curated by Ms. IBWMW, sex is completely analog/biological/wet/messy/smelly/juicy/sticky/all those other glorious things that come from being alive/wonderful/spectacular.

Who would ever want to have sex with a robot?

Somewhat cranky, yours.