Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Blog That Rewards You For Your Failings

Today's contest asks you the inappropriately personal question: What Stupid-Ass Thing Have You Done for Love (or, if you prefer, "Love-Resembling Emotion That Cruelly Disguised Itself As Actual Love")? Did you write bad poetry? (Check.*) Feign an interest in the intricate fretwork of guitarist Adrian Belew? (Check.) Subjugate your personality until only faintly recognizable? And even then only observable during the vernal equinox with the use of special goggles? (Sigh. Check.)

Don't worry, no one will judge. Really, it was all so long ago. Why, it's difficult to even remember the white-hot burn of shame of not being true to your own bad-ass self. Besides you're, like, a million times smarter now -- right?
That's why the prize for this contest is the It's All About Me Kit from eco-friendly, girl-power-promotin', dildo-sellin' sex toy company Good Vibrations. The kit (a $32 value) includes:

It's all the better for your New and Improved Lover (or yourself, also a decent lay) to minister to your needs.

To win, confess your stupid-ass love moment in a comment below (or send an email if you're a big pussy). I'll choose a winner according to the vagaries of my whims. On Tuesday. So think of something fast. Good luck!

*Oh, god, I did write a poem. Yes, a fucking poem. Worse, I gave it to the guy. Rather, I presented it to him somewhat ceremoniously like, "Behold this precious gift" (in my defense, I used to be quite a drinker). The shame of it still burns today. In fact, so preoccupied have I been with my own shame that it's only today--writing this--that I realize how horrible it must have been for the poor guy to have to receive the hideous poem. He had to read the frickin' poem--in front of me--and act like he was touched, or at least like he liked it. And that, my friends, would surely qualify him for top honors in Stupid-Ass Things Done for "Love".


Unknown said...

Let's see.....WHICH douchebag relationship shall I mention?

There was the guy who somehow talked my dumb ass into BUYING MY OWN ENGAGEMENT RING. Nothing says 'he's the one' like having to foot the bill for your own bling.

Then there was the chronic alcoholic I wanted to fix. Fixing him generally consisted of peeling him out of seedy gay motel rooms after he'd been on his latest nine-day bender. The highlight of our relationship may have been when I drove him to the ER while he seizured from alcohol poisoning - driving with one hand on the wheel and the other holding his tongue down so he wouldn't choke on it.

And then there's the lovely gentlemen I dated this summer who was sleeping with both me and another woman at the same time but was so stupid he didn't realize that things JUST might implode if he got us all three together for a night. And no, not in a threesome kind of way. In a 'let's all be buddies' kind of way. I thought I was on a date and there was some weird random female friend tagging along, and she thought the same. We figured it out, though, when he got drunk and went into her room and tried to fuck her and I was stunned and horrified and LEFT.

Yep, I know how to pick em. So if I win, you might wanna throw a vibrator in with the goody bag, cuz clearly I have NO business dating anyone but myself. ;)

Annah said...

Okay so I wanted to say one thing but seriously... Tricia wins. She wins. Just give it all to her now.


Bill said...

Yeah, not really fair when that's the first post. My stories are funny, but I don't even wanna type 'em now, 'cuz they just wont stand up to THAT.

CkretsGalore said...

Yaaaowch Tricia. Time to start being a bit more picky! No need to torment yourself like that. lol

Jill - Awwwwwww a cheezy poem? Ok, I did write a love poem for our first Valentines Day together. We were at the Orchestra and dressed to the nines (I was even in a gown!). I basically threw it at him after I downed a few drinks and mumbled.."I know it's stupid but it's for you." He was thrilled and got all teary eyed because no one had ever done that for him. Guess I'm lucky I'm marrying a hopeless romantic.

Jill Hamilton said...

Yes, Bill, Annah and Ckrets, I thought the same thing when I read Tricia's post. Not Tuesday yet, but Tricia, you win. You sooo win. For the next few weeks, make sure you run out and get the mail before your parents because your Good Vibes package is on the way.