Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Balloon Sex And Other Excruciatingly Specialized Phone Sex Lines

I was reading Playboy's site The Smoking Jacket, because--oh, there's no time for explanations, dammit!--and came upon "8 Strange Phone Sex Lines You'll Never Call." I don't like to be told what to do (or do I?), so I had to read it immediately. At the very least it was going to be better than their other so-not-my-demographic articles like "Stuff You Should Know: Balding" and "Which Malt Liquor Is Right For You?" (Although I might give "Why Robots With Vaginas Are a Bad Idea"  a perusal later. Why are they a bad idea? I have to say I haven't given the matter much thought.)

Anyway, the strange sex lines were not, I am sorry to report, staffed with a perky group of robots with vaginas, but rather with women who sneeze over the phone, women with gas, and women from Canada. ("I am aboot to take off my bra. It is a red colour.")  

There's also a balloon sex line. Says Jenny (shown above lovingly cuddling with a very very special balloon):
My fantasy is a room full of balloons for me to roll around in. Even if I only have one balloon I just want to rub it all over myself. There’s nothing better than the squeaky sound of a balloon squished into the palm of my hand while I rub it all over my body especially on my tits and yes, even between my legs! The static electricity is definitely a turn-on.
I am so curious as to what event--exposure to balloon animals + inadvertent boner?--had to happen to someone to birth this balloon fetish, but apparently there's a whole balloon culture with sub-fetishes including riding balloons, squishing balloons, popping balloons and balloon domination. ("The balloon doggie wants you to touch yourself. Do! It! Now!")

There's also giantess phone sex for those with a shrinking or growing fetish. I'm not quite sure if it's caller or callee who is shrinking or growing and, since I am writing this in public at Barnes and Noble, I am not especially keen to be hanging around on their web site too long to find out. Here's the link, if you're feeling so inclined. There you will find the helpful advice that a caller should "Ask the dispatcher for the hottest women dealing with shrinking or growing." I guess it's so you don't get the un-hot giantess. "Yeah, yeah, I'm giant now. So what? Have you seen my corn pads? Dammit, it was a brand new pack!"

There's also a line for amputee phone sex which is bothersome, not because of the whole phone sex thing, but because the women in the picture clearly isn't even a real amputee. She obviously just bent her leg up and then applied the most rudimentary of photoshop techniques to blur her "stump." This sits the wrong way with me, like when actors play someone of another race. I mean, how much lower can you go than taking a job from an amputee?

As for me, I am keeping the Granny Phone Sex line in mind for myself in case In Bed With Married Women keeps up its stubborn refusal to make more than 67 cents a day. How easy would it be to take calls, repeatedly yelling "What grade are you in, dearie?" and talking about neighbors who have died. Dude, c'mon, it's two bucks a minute.  



Asha said...

Peopl are strange but I am glad you enjoy writing about it. :)
Also, after reading this it triggered a memory of Tosh.0 episode I saw with a balloon popper. I took the liberty of finding the youtube clip for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!


Jill Hamilton said...

oh, asha, you will be pleased to know that I was watching this on my phone as I walked to pick up my children from school. i probably looked like i was checking important school-related emails or something, but was actually viewing a video of a middle-aged man wearing underwear and popping balloon.

Mongo, At The Moment said...

I found the link for this post from the home page (There's just intriguing about the words "Balloon Sex Lines"), and when reading it went through the Seven Stages, or whatever it is moderately intelligent humans do when reading about sex and balloons: It begins with Disbelief (Oh Come On), progresses to Mild Social Repulsion (Oh My God Are You Kidding Me); and ends with Acceptance (Balloons. Well... Okay. I Guess That's Okay).

Your site is excellent; thanks.

Anonymous said...

hahahaha....yes microphilia...seen a doco on that one...its amazing what gets past the Oz censor these days...i had to check out that site, even though i was warned and yep the shrinking fetish is a goody, only secondary to balloon rubbing *squeak squeak*...heres an exerpt from one of the ads for those too scared to look...
'If this BBW steps on you, you're surely to be pancaked. Her southern giggles are very tormenting.'
another freaking funny post :)