Monday, February 18, 2019

Sex Toys! Get Your Sex Toys!

I can show you the world
Due to my inability to say no to free things, I have amassed an embarrassingly large collection of brand new sex toys for both men and women--especially, for no reason in particular, butt stuff for men. There are only so many things I can put in, on or around my own parts, and I'd absolutely love to get them into the orifices of people who really want them.

The thing is, I can't afford to pay for shipping to send you all this stuff just free, especially those of you who live in other countries and don't tell me 'til the last minute.

Ideas? Should I create a Google doc of what I have and you can peruse my wares? Silent auction? Weird online garage sale? Should I only make you pay for shipping? Or should I charge a little extra for my Travel To Europe To Engage the Services of Parker Marx fund, which is on the secret bucket list in my head and presently contains zero dollars (which according to today's currency exchange rate is equivalent to zero Euros)?

I do want to get these toys in, on and/or under you, somehow. I have a deep love of giving out sex toys, especially when I feel like I'm really helping someone. Like, I gave some really great high-end toys to a non-rich new widow in Michigan the other week and honestly, I felt like a fucking fairy godmother, one who hands out literal Magic Wands.

So think on it, will you?


~~Disappearing magically into a cloud of fairy dust, or maybe it's just shimmery lube~~

P.S. I did sell the non-joy sparking Sex Machine and when I went to the local postal store to mail it, a mother at my daughter's school was working at the counter. I don't know her but I know she is a member of a religion that is not known for sexual tolerance.

On the advice of someone I shall not name, I lied and said the really really heavy package contained "books" because it was gonna cost over 90 bucks to mail as "non books." I thought I'd pulled it off and was emailing the buyer to tell her of our good fortune, and at the same time the school mom--perhaps guided by wisdom not of this world--OPENED THE PACKAGE.

Which is simply not done, but that's exactly what she did.

This is what she saw:

basically an onslaught of panties and a big pink dildo

Our eyes met for 4 million years while the box still sat wide open and radiating its pink shame, and even though I am 53 fucking years old and write a sex blog, I could feel my face go hot and red. She finally said, "I didn't see anything."

But she saw it all.

I will never go there again, but I did get the way cheaper book rate which, yes, is mail fraud, but I don't care because rules don't matter in our country anymore and anyway I felt I'd earned that money.


Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahaha!!! 4 million years, I'll bet!

For dispersing the goods, some kind of online garage sale/ebay? You deserve some compensation for your time and effort, not just to be reimbursed for the shipping. Though maybe the altruism of it is important and otherwise you would feel less like a fairy godmother and more like the kind of woman who lies at the post office about elaborate sex toys she's secretly mailing. Hmmmm.


B Intimit said...

I guess your infraction in incorrectly detailing the contents matches hers in opening the parcel, don't you just love how balanced the world can be! Also lovely to see tolerance can reside in an intolerant world!
As for disposing of said goods an online garage sale sounds a good idea. I may even be able to help lighten your load of a few items.
As Julian says certainly shipping must be paid & perhaps a fixed amount for time & packaging.


Anonymous said...

Calculate the shipping, then charge 3x. That'll give you a nice donation to your fund. Also, try shipping USPS flat-rate Priority mail for very heavy fuck machines. Not nearly as cheap as media rate, but legal, and you get the box for free.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, OK! But I am still in lurve with my iBend and the joy of winning something on the internet. I'll buy something nice for hubby's butt if you put up an auction and pay for the shipping of the - eh - books. Emma in Sweden

bitchtopia said...

Bless your heart, that post office awkwardness is something that would happen to me. <3

Jill Hamilton said...

julian, the reminder of THE LIE is guilting me out again. the rest of the advice--A+

Brian, send me an email and what you might be into and I'll look into my bag of tricks.

anon, i'm doing the priority mail boxes now--excellent suggestions--but like 1/8 of that fuck machine woulda fit into the large priority box.

Emma--it wasn't only YOU. and you totally made up for it with that stellar photo!

bitchopiam which is an excellent name--now i'm twitchy anytime i mail anything, no matter how benign, thinking i'm gonna get question. also because rarely am I mailing something benign.

i will update you all soon!

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