|Still love him.|
So to sweeten the deal, I'm adding a contest. Send in a link to the very worst erotica you can find. You can comment below or use ye olde email (firstname.lastname@example.org). Deadline is January 22, so you have plenty of time to look around, then set fire to your search history. Winner will be the entry I deem the best worst erotica, as determined by a ridiculously unfair and unfathomable system based on funniness, personal taste and the ancient Mayan calendar.
The lucky winner will, one day in the very near future, walk out to their mailbox and be shocked to find a discreetly packaged Cadet Dildo courtesy of Good Vibrations lurking within. It might be a vibrating version of the Cadet or not. We still haven't worked out the details on that part, but it will for sure look like a dick (in one of three colors!) and I think that is an important feature of a pretend penis. That's $42-80 of penis-shaped silicone that's pretty damn perfect for all your pegging needs!
In the meantime, I'm also pleased to inform you that dear sullen Morrissey was the recipient (winner, perhaps is too strong a word here) of this year's Literary Review's Bad Sex in Fiction Award. The judges were particularly swayed by this passage from Morrissey's List of the Lost which certainly lends credence to his assertion that he's asexual.
|Yes, we ARE happy to see you|
"At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone"
Anyway, here's the too weird/not weird enough article. And don't forget to enter the contest. That dildo could soon inside you or inside an orifice of someone you love! Or at least someone you like well enough to feel comfortable sticking a fake penis (in one of three colors) in one of their holes.
Fuck, I've missed you.
7 Least Appealing Objects of Desire in Erotica
We are truly in a golden age of erotica. Maybe not quality-wise, necessarily, but in quantity—we've got it covered. Anyone or anything that is even vaguely fuckable has fanfic or a cheapo Amazon book featuring their heaving bosom and/or throbbing manhood and/or whatever spiky thing they have in their loins. Within seconds you can access smut featuring Santa Claus, Dobby the House Elf or a pterodactyl “who might have carnal pleasures in mind.” (Sure, some of it's meant to be funny/parody stuff, but, well....there's sure a lot of it. There's clearly something else going on here*--like how vehemently anti-gay politicians seem to spend a whole lot of time talking about gay dudes.)
Here then are erotica's 7 Least Appealing Objects of Desire.
--Not Obviously Sexy Celebrities!
Celebrities who rarely make anyone's freebie list finally get to throb with desire in stories like The Audition in which a hopeful contestant walks into Pat Sajak's (!) office and “is shocked to see Pat Sajak with his pants on the ground and one hell of a hard-on.” As one would be. Other erotic fodder includes the “Happy Days” cast, Ray Romano, Beavis and Butthead, and Mowgli and the Village Girl from “Jungle Book” (who, apparently, also have balloon fetishes. Because Mowgli/Village Girl erotica wasn't quite specific enough.)
Best/worst sentence (from The Audition): “Pat uses each hole well, like the proverbial gopher popping in and out of Vanna and Lila’s boxes.”
Prehistoric beasts who “might have carnal pleasures in mind” (spoiler: they do. All of them) wield their possibly giant wangs in titles like Taken By the T-Rex, Dinos Are a Girl's Best Friend, and Pimp Dino.
Between the scaly skin and potential for mauling, it's hard to see the appeal here. With a pterodactyl, for example, I can see working with the spiky thing on its head, but the claws and the birdlike squawking? (Though a nice clear mating squawk would eliminate any worries about the pterodactyl not being that into you or whatever...) These concerns are not unusual, as evidenced by the cheeky swarm of reviewers for Taken By the Pterodactyl. “I am very upset because a pterodactyl is technically not a dinosaur it is a pterosaur,” wrote one. “This should be classified under pterosaur erotica.”
Best/worse sentence (from Ravished by the Triceratops): “I couldn't believe this was happening — I had a ten-ton monster licking my ass!”
Political figures do plenty of bonin' too and not just the sexy ones like Obama. In Abraham Lincoln: Presidental Fuck Machine, Lincoln has to defeat the Japanese Emperor using “the power of his cock!” As you'll remember from your history books, cock power, along the Civil War cannon, was an important 1800s foreign policy tool, despite requiring greater anticipatory personal grooming before diplomatic summits.
Also getting sexy are Nikita Khrushchev and John F. Kennedy, Barbara Walters and Hilary Clinton and Laura Bush, Michelle Obama and Dick Cheney who, according to this story, spend their off hours frequenting DC swingers' parties. (For the record, after a non-partisan fivesome, Michele was “very gracious” while the Republicans “just left in the limousine without even saying goodbye.”)
Best/worse sentences (from Brokeback Washington): “George Washington tore away at Jefferson's fine petticoat and chest-piece as they continued making out in the woods over the corpse of a werewolf. He then shed his own coat, and reached down into his lover's trousers to feel his rock-hard dick.” And yes, that was “corpse of a werewolf.”
Those who want werewolf sex sans presidential petticoats have about 8 bazillion choices, including Taken by The Wolf and Wolf Within. And if you prefer no werewolves, but still want a non-human beast with an erect whatever-it-is-their-species-has, there are plenty of options including Taken by the Minotaur Herd, Unicorn: Horn of Desire, Lake Monster Gang Bang, and a big-ass sub-genre of Bigfoot smut in which Bigfoot is varyingly gay, really good at oral sex and appreciates a good Kegel squeeze and/or sleeps in Star Wars sheets at his Bigfoot parents' house.
Best/worst sentences (from Bigfoot's New Mate): “[Bigfoot] picked up the pants and bra and carefully set them down on the rock next to her shirt. Danielle had to give him credit for that — she’d had lovers step on her discarded clothing in the past.”
--Fairy Tale Creatures!
“This story contains oral sex, forced seduction, and anal sex,” reads the warning on The Horny Leprechaun, a story about a jerky sprite, who, incidentally, doesn't follow sensible anal/vaginal hygiene rules. Other not-so-likely leading men show up with their wee l'il members in titles like Troll: Taken By The Beast, The Goblin Between Her Thighs and Pixies Tore Me a New One which kind of gives the plot away in the title.
Best/worst sentence (from The Green Man, in which he/it is a tree/spirit thing): “I could feel the root of the tree digging further and further into my ass, and strange liquid lubrication spouting from the branch.”
--Farmers Who Need Milk!
Seems like if anyone had ample milk resources it would be farmers, but for various reasons they are constantly needing human women for “forced lactation” in stories like Cream for the Thirsty Farmer, He Turned My Wife Into a Hucow, and Hucow 9: Sold at the Dairy Auction. (Nursing mothers currently experiencing “forced lactation” in the form of a demanding kid or two may be harder pressed to find the erotic aspects of this genre.)
Best/worst sentence (from Feeding Time on the Dairy Farm): “Although his ad mentioned something about being part of the kitchen staff and being in demand during mealtimes, the title of 'feeding assistant' was a little vague.”
--Just Plain Silly!
This category includes romantic leads like Frosty the Snowman, Jesus' gay brother James and “one hell of a sexy clown.” Also in there is Garden Gnome Sex Party, Ravaged by the Gingerbreadman (“He's going to make her taste his creamy filling!”) and I Fucked The Puppet featuring a googly-eyed green shaggy puppet man (with accompanying green shaggy naughty bits) who speaks in rhyme. Oh yeah.
Best/worse sentence (from A Mickey Mouse Club of One): “Mickey, as it turned out was not a gentle lover but he did have stamina.”
*After spending probably way too much time reading these, I can see the appeal. Reading about swollen body parts—even if they do belong to a damned goblin or something—does something to you. As this victim/reader of The Horny Leprechaun put it on Goodreads, “How can I be turned on and turned WAY THE HELL OFF at the same time?”
note: I am cutting and pasting that picture of the Cadet/penis brothers trio while sitting in a crowded Starbucks. Even I feel a little bit embarrassed about this.