Monday, April 6, 2015

Real Sex Lives, Reader Question Version: "What's the sexiest thing someone has done to get you into bed?"

One wooing technique.
(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're re-running IBWMW's all-time greatest Real Sex Lives stories.)

Hey you, a reader needs our help! Let's hop into the IBWMW Rescue Van!

Today's problem: Getting in the mood, with a emphasis on proper boner presentation. Here, let's let this improperly-wooed reader explain her predicament.

Dear Jill,

I need some advice from you and the thoughtful IBWMW readers if you would be so kind.

My husband is terrible at proposing that we have sex. The sex itself is good but I usually need a little time to warm up to the idea-- a little convincing-- and he can bring it up in a way that is a total turn-off (seriously, he recently walked up to me while I was doing the taxes and tapped me on the shoulder with his boner with a defeated expression before wandering off to the kitchen to consume a can of beans).

But here's the important part: he's a good listener, a sweet guy, and perfectly willing to try to change his approach. It's just that I can't come up with any really specific requests for him. We must be the two most unimaginative people around (before we jump in bed together, anyway). So I was hoping for some help from the IBWMW community: what is the sexiest thing someone has done to get you into bed? How do you get in the mood and initiate sex? I'm all ears for ladies initiating sex, too.

-Anonymous lady whose husband would be super embarrassed if he figured out this was about him.

Ok, I'm gonna be no help here because I actually like the whole primal Presentation of Arousal thing, though maybe without the can of beans aspect.

So my smart and lovely friends, you're in charge. Can you help this wordily-monikered Gentle Reader?


(photo source) 


Anonymous said...

Man, I'm pretty sure my wife wrote this.

Can't Keep Anything to Myself said...

It's funny how the attractiveness of a boner is all context. At least for me. When I'm dry as a dessert, a penis can look like that alien monster worm thing from that horror movie I saw that one time. But if I'm turned on, I can't keep my hands off it. I want to lick it and put the alien monster worm thing in my mouth...

As for getting aroused in the first place, I love it when a guy shows me he needs me. Not a hey-I'm-bored-let's-do-it boner tap on the shoulder. I like spontaneity. The element of surprise is priceless. I could be in the most unhorny mood ever, but if my man caught me off guard by pinning me against the wall and started making out with my neck, I'd probably get wet. Fast. Not that it has to be this scenario every time... But, in order to feel the urgent need to have sex right here and now, I have to feel his urgent need first. It's not about the moves, it's the passion behind them. I think that's probably why couples get stuck in sexual ruts; they try a move one time and it works wonders, but repeating it doesn't always have the desired results because it lacks the same passion. Put the moves on your lover because you want and need to be in their pants immediately or you might die. Not because it worked last time and it's an easy in.

Unless of course your lover is already horny...

Hopefully this doesn't sound too cliche and Cosmo-y.

Joshua said...

If the wife is feeling 'taxed' (yes, I can hear the groans) then Dear Husband needs to do something so that his wife has the time to shift gears and begin to think sexy. There is a picture if me cleaning the kitchen I posted to Facebook I titled "Foreplay". My sister chimed in to say "At least one of my brothers gets it." The husband shouldn't just clean the kitchen. He needs to set the stage and say I'm going to do X, Y and Z so that we have some time together because I've been thinking about you and me being intimate, getting down to business, etc. There can also be some nice scene setting. If you always do it in bed throw all the covers on the floor and do it there. Moving things 6' can make a world of difference. Just mind the rug burn. Although there is something to be said for a rug burn reminder of a good time.

Anonymous said...

Oh...this one doesn't seem so difficult.
At the desk, doing (or sitting in front of but wishing she had an excuse to avoid) taxes (Take 2):

He comes up behind her (better yet bringing a glass of wine..not too much though) and suggests she takes a little break, she's worked soo hard. He starts rubbing her neck, relaxing her. He should spend enough time on it so she really does relax..then he s suggest she sit on the couch or bed so he can access her more easily. But still, taking time...starting to graze more erogenous areas only when she is becoming limp and jelly like. Throughout all this he's been slowly disrobing her -- all so he can do a proper job, of course.

After she is utterly naked, relaxed, and receptive does he start to change his strokes from relaxing to teasing, stimulating. Only then does he start to kiss her mouth, neck, breasts, stomach, thighs, pussy, all while keeping an upper, controlling, caressing, pleasuring hand. If he can show he take charge of taking care of her and her pleasure
with some initial delayed gratification on his own part it will pay off in dividends when he has her so open and needy she is pleading for him to fuck her.

in bed with married women said...

These are so fabulous, I'd do each and every one of you. Metaphorically at least. And not at all Cosmo-y--those always involve rubbing food on some body part, near as I can tell.

B. said...

Well being totally impotent for the past year and not having had an orgasm in the same time span...I suppose it a woman started with..."wanna try..." that oughta do it....

Just sayin....

Anonymous said...

1.) You cut a hole in a box.

2.) You put your junk in that box.

3.) You make her open that box.

Spiffy McBang said...

I've always been of the opinion that things like this are more effective when the receiving party doesn't know they're coming, but she did ask, so...

With the last woman I dated (the first time, I should mention, that how to be good in bed really clicked), the first time we were together I took her to my room, we chatted a moment, then I shoved her up against the wall and kissed her. In about five seconds I was groping her rather fiercely, and we were naked in under a minute. That was a bit of the first-time-oh-god-let's-get-down coming out, but even though I stopped being so quick about it, when I did act it was always with purpose.

Watching her bend over in front of me, putting my hand on her back to hold her down, and rubbing her hard through her jeans. Leaning her up against my computer chair and... well, rubbing her hard through her jeans (she rather liked that sort of start to the evening). Unbuttoning her pants while I was driving and getting her off at eighty miles per hour. Those sorts of things.

You two are married, so presumably your husband has a pretty solid idea of how rough you like him to be (even if that's not very much). If I were speaking to him directly, I would tell him to keep that in mind and surprise you with that level of roughness, or close to it, immediately. For example, do you like it when he slaps your ass, reaches around you and mauls your tits? Tell him to do it in the hallway at some random moment rather than only once you're naked. The idea is for him to shock you into your primal mind with some act he knows turns you on, but without overdoing it and causing you to retreat (because it hurts too much, because it triggers something negative, etc).

I was fortunate to find a woman whose attitude towards sex was "more please", and whose attitudes towards roughness was that if she didn't have some sort of bruise or mark by the end, no matter how good the night was, it could have been a little bit better. I'm actually not some sort of sadist by nature, but it meant I could push some limits and really see what she was into. But there's no reason this idea can't work for you unless you need a lot of gentleness, in which case someone else's advice would probably be better.

Anonymous said...

honestly we usually just start horsing around when we're cleaning up dinner dishes. one time i threw a dish towel over his head, pinned him to the fridge and bit his ear. one time he told me that the way i was de-boning chicken thighs was sexy. takes all kinds i guess. he comes up behind me and surprises me by slapping my ass. he once, memorably, showed up as i was getting out of the shower with some rope... of course the scenic route is always nice, the movie and a backrub thing never fails. it's nice to mix up rough and tender. also, compliments. he tells me i'm hot at odd moments, sometimes when i'm dressed up but also when i'm out working in the garden or cooking. when we go out together he leans in close and tells me other guys are checking me out. it just makes me think of myself as a sexier person so it's easier for me to be sexual. it makes it easier to relax when we're naked together because i'm not worried about what i look like.


in bed with married women said...

btw, penner of this letter, you totally have to get back with us and let us know what happened.

Anonymous said...

it worries me that he presented his boner with a defeated look on his face. it's kind of like he was saying, "look what i found. i'm gonna get some beans now." defeated looks & cans of beans aren't sexy. we all get in the rut of day to day life & we get tired. it feels like he's given up.

that said, when my man takes my hand, pulls me off the couch & leads me to the bedroom without a word, i like that take charge attitude. conversely, i'll take his hand, lead him to the shower. i text him & tell him he can find me naked in the bed & to drop his pants at the door. i'll leave a note on the bathroom mirror & ask him to wake me up so we can be the freshest ones at work. i'll text him in the morning & ask him to serve me sausage in bed. sometimes, i just ask him to stick it to me.

we all need to be appreciated in our relationship & made to feel sexy & desired. if you don't make him feel that way, he will likely find someone who does. i think y'all need some reconnection, some honesty, and a sexy weekend away. i recommend a bed & breakfast with a tub for two.

Jo said...

I loved the idea that it takes 24 hours (it might even have been a week!) to seduce a woman properly. Text messages, let the anticipation brew, nice favours, gestures, build up from simple, small touches to something more. Bring flowers. Read/look at erotica together. Share plans and fantasies. Be complimentary. Say what you love, what you'd love. TALK. Don't just tap her on the shoulder with your boner. That's so sad. So belittling to both of you. Sigh.

Deeman said...

I have a wife who has a demanding day job and survives by agendas and do lists that often carry over into the evening. I find that if I want to redirect her attention it won't be by showing her my erection. She's seen it so many times that by itself it is not going to distract her, maybe give her a laugh. But, lightly stroking her neck and back and upper arms while she's at the computer, that is, doing something to her I know she loves and that turns her on, that has a chance of working. And when we do have sex, it is absolutely wonderful.

But the basic question here is how do busy people make time for sex?
It isn't simple, with differences in libido, and the different ways men and women turn themselves on to the urge for sex, and different energy levels, and the effects of aging.

So there are no simple answers. But there has to be a willingness to talk about it. Waiting for the moment he pushes you up against the wall in a surprise attack and fucks you before you even know what's happening may be a thrilling event, but not a long term solution. And how often do you push him up against the wall and give him a sudden blowjob? Great stuff for romance novels but hardly the stuff of long-term relationships.

Much better to say well in advance, "At nine tonight I'm going to pull you into the den and we are going to have sex that will blow your mind." That can work. And then, coffee and croissant and the Sunday Times in bed in the morning is also a good lead in to a frolic. Making sex into something more than sex is the key.

Erotiblog said...

You said your Husband is a good listener so I'm guessing he knows yours turn on buttons.
For example..........One of my partners major turn on buttons is nibbling on her ear, so when I'm feeling "excited" (which is most of the time). I tell her I have to tell her something really important, so important.....I have to whisper!!!
The fact that there's no-one actually around to hear my really important information, this is the first clue to soften her defenses. As I slowly lean over her, she awaits in anticipation for my "secret", I pause so she can feel my breathing increase with excitement, I move to her ear letting out a soft breath to send a shiver down her spine, then before she can say "I need to finish these taxes" I carefully take her earlobe softly between my lips sucking very gently...........then I there's no stopping her, even when I insist that she needs to finish her work, so I have to give her what she wants, it's only fair ;)

Anonymous said...

I just flirt with her all the time and keep her a little bit horny.

Anonymous said...

Thank god I found these comments. After trying everything here I now know its not me it's her. Bitter? Yes I'm bitter. It's been my kids age plus 9 months. She's either asexual or homosexual. My only chance now is with an affair. Its only cheating if she's in the game. She's clearly not.

Anonymous said...

Are you a violin waiting to be played? A plant waiting to be watered? Are you just a passive recipient of another's passion...incapable of independent, action, desire, or direction?

God, I hope not.

You ask the question, "What's the sexiest thing someone has done to get you into bed?"... which implies, of course, that to get you into bed, your husband needs to do something sexy, unusual...something arousing and special. Why? Don't you want to have sex with your husband, the love of your life? Why do you need to be seduced and swept-away? Why does your arousal depend upon him and his actions, his seductions, his technique, his foreplay?

If he were as passive as you, he would sit there waiting for you to do a "sexiest thing" to get him in bed. And if you both sit there waiting for the other to provide energy and direction, nothing will happen.

Your question is adolescent.

It's like asking, "What's the sexiest thing someone has done to get you to eat a piece of chocolate cake?" Hell, chocolate cake is chocolate cake -- it's always good; it's always desired. No one needs to do anything special to convince me to eat some chocolate cake -- nor have I ever rejected cake if it taps me on my shoulder, suggesting, "Just a nibble??".

But somehow we have come to believe that female desire is purely a function of male strategy. Men need to have a polished, effective and variable tactical plan in order to arouse sufficient & enthusiastic female interest in pleasure (giving and receiving). That's nuts.

Part of the solution lies in accepting the fact that your body is your own -- you own your own desire. It is you. You are neither a violin nor a plant -- you are an active, self-directed, fully capable adult human being. You do not need to be coaxed or persuaded or seduced or swept-away to be willing to engage in sex -- you can simply create and drive your own interests in accordance with your own desires. As adults do.

The other part of the solution is the even more mature realization that love requires one to think of the Other--to value the Other's desires and needs at least as highly as we value our own. It requires us, allows us to receive pleasure from their pleasure...and to actively want them to experience such pleasure, especially as we can help provide that pleasure. In love we don't wait for the other to perform some "sexiest thing" to convince us to physically embrace them...from love we desire nothing more than to embrace them.

Really, it's time to grow-up.

Not that scattered rose petals, music, shadows and soft lighting aren't fun -- they are. So are toys, oils, massages, hot baths, vacations...the list is endless. Go do those things. Plan those things. Become a part of the solution -- not a problem waiting to be solved by your partner (as he searches desperately for the right combination).

Your dilemma is nothing more than Gordian Knot -- slice through it and move on!

in bed with married women said...

anon, i appreciate your passion, but i don't think she meant it in quite the spirit you're taking it. btw, if you're new, the idea around here is to provide a non-judgmental space so people feel safe to ask a genuine, sincere question. it's kind of like those "positive comments only" signs at little league fields. that is, be nice.