Friday, April 3, 2015

Real Sex Lives: Kat, "Let the horrible erotica begin."

(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're running IBWMW's all-time favorite Real Sex Lives.)

Kat wrote this for no other reason than to illustrate what bad smut is. Or perhaps to purge herself of the sentence, "He proceeded to kiss her with the fury of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum." Writes Kat, "Let the horrible erotica begin."

The couple walked along the edge of the water. They had only just met but knew that they were soul mates because that is how soul mates meet: on the beach at night.

They sat down on the blanket that the man, a massive Adonis with flowing gold locks, tanned skin and arms like a coal miner, had brought with him, knowing that he would meet the one who would complete him and would want to immediately to ravage her body as the ocean high tide ravaged the beach. He didn’t bring a condom though because he didn’t want any latex barrier between the woman’s love cave and the purple headed womb ferret that he was going to burrow into her.

He grasped her face and proceeded to kiss her with the fury of a toddler throwing a temper tantrum, and then laid her back. Their lips smelt together like two pieces of metal and they knew their bodies had been created to come together and create a single beast with two backs.

Her lips tasted better than his favourite bottle of beer and he was thirsty. He started to strip her clothing like removing old paint from a priceless antique desk. He kissed and munched on her neck as if he were a vampire and going to suck the blood out of her, except that she would like it. His hands wandered over her corporeal form like they wanted to touch her everywhere.

The woman hadn’t worn panties because she, too, had known that she was going to meet her soul mate on the beach and would spread her ivory appendages for his man-stick to enter her love-socket and create a piston of passion. The man looked up at her making sure she was ready for his tongue to do a Charleston on her pleasure button. She looked at him with eyes that would devour him if they were mouths. His hands spread her legs wider so that he could look at the entrance to her tunnel of love. His mouth moved closer and he blew lightly on her slices of salami displayed before him as if in the window of a fine deli. She shuddered at the sensation as if she were having a seizure. He gazed up her and whispered that he had skipped dinner and was starving, and would she mind if he sated his hunger with her womanly sauce. She replied that her highway to heaven was starving too: for his mouth and his tallywhacker.

Like a convict escaping from prison, his tongue darted from his mouth and attacked her love-bump like it was the getaway car. He sucked on her man in the boat and held it with his teeth and rasped it with his tongue. Up and down, back and forth, up and down, back and forth. And up and down, back and forth a lot more times.

He pressed his mouth into her center burrowing his tongue past the toll booth and up the highway. It was like having a threesome with his tongue being his wingman who got the first round. Her power of speech failed her when the pleasure came as scattering bunnies taking off for Wonderland.

He slid back up her body, the grit from the beach sticking to their skin like sandpaper. His bayonet stabbed her strawberry short cake and they began to rock back and forth as if traumatized by the ecstasy of each other. Her legs clamped around his hips like the jaws of a great beast and they lovingly bruised each others nether regions until he erupted into her like a tube of vanilla icing.

"I'm so glad we made love instead of fucking like people in other erotic pieces, my shining unicorn," the woman said.

"I would never degrade our spiritual connection by fucking you. Or asking your name," the man replied.

Fini


She hasn't posted in a few months but you can read more from Kat at Kat O'Nine Tales.

(The Th'ayes Have It, image courtesy the dear and generous Chaffyn. No implication of badness by its proximity to the bad smut, for the record.)

19 comments:

Katsidhe said...

A friend of mine writes about the mental orgasm and how to get a woman off you need to engage her mind and it's so true. Language absolutely has a profound effect. Saying the right thing to a woman will often make the difference between just fun sex and fucking awesome sex. Like the old writing saying goes "words mean things, people". Hm, actually maybe that's not an old saying. It should be though.

Thank you so much for making my awful smut a part of your brilliant entry, Jill. I'm thrilled that you enjoyed my "purging" so much.~ ^_~

Sandra Davies said...

This bad smut was too, too much to take in at one sitting (especially before breakfast) - finally managed to get to the end at the third attempt, and yes, truly horrible.
Agree with the rightness of words - "I want to take you to bed" can be pretty wonderful ...

Nicki said...

I love hoot fun. I assume that's like a hootenanny, yes?

And Kat's smut seriously makes me die a little inside everytime I read it. I want Kat to write mythological creature erotica. Like Eight Crazy Slutty Centaurs or Unicorns Gone Wild or something.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to stick with dirty sex is better than Deli sex! This is Great Jill ;-)........Marla

christy said...

Bahahahaha. The smut was fabulous.

bettyfokker said...

ROTFLMAO!

"Purple headed womb ferret"

Hahahaha!

Cinderita said...

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! This. Is. Awesome!

First of all..THAT IS THE WORST use of the term "erupted into her like a tube of vanilla icing"...SEcond of all.How on earth did I not know your blog existed? THIS IS THE BEST i've read in some time!

Your post (before the bad smut) is ingenious! I was thinking about this very thing last night. Thank you! WOW! I will be stalking you like a cat in the night...huh? Anyway...A follower...Awesome!

Annah said...

I think it also depends on who's doing the smut talking. Maybe "I want my penis inside you" may sound cheesy coming from one guy, and completely erotic from another. Also, the way the words are spoken is a key point I think. Does the person whisper, scream, say it commandingly? These facts are UBER importante.

And I love that you mentioned thinking about dirty things while you walk your dog. *virtual high five*

jenerosity said...

Oh yes, words...just words...that's all. A few words whispered in my ear... I didn't believe it but I was so delightfully proven wrong. And it is amazing how remembering that certain string of words can send a shudder through me even now.

As for the "smut," wow, just wow...

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God.
I laughed out loud at almost every sentence in that bad smut.
BRILLIANT.

Cindy said...

Thank you for sharing! This was a fantastic read!!

jill hamilton said...

Katsidhe--Thanks for the smut. As you can see, it was much beloved.

Christy, Betty, Cindy, Anonymous, Cinderita,for more Katsidhe, please do head over and visit at: http://katsidhe.blogspot.com/)

Sandra--I do appreciate your efforts. "I will read that bad smut, dammit, even if it takes me three tries!"

Nikki--I was thinking hoooot fun was more like owl sexy time. Maybe that is just wishful thinking...

And dear Annah, Cinderita and jenerosity, now I am curious what remembered words other people are carrying around with them. Anyone?

Harleyq said...

Bangs head on wall!! Noooooooooo!!!

Seriously, I think you nailed it with the someone speaking your sexual talk. I recently started playing a MMO out of curiosity and to stay out of trouble. There is this one man that sends me whispers that literally make me blush to my toes and smile at my computer like a kid given candy!! I find his words pop into my head at the most inopportune moments and continue to make me blush. So I guess this makes me a cheap date hmmm?

Dusky said...

That smut was FANTASTIC. I just read it out to hubby, and we were both crying with laughter. Too brilliant.

Words are very, very important. I love the image of you walking the dog remembering heated utterances. I have been known to get myself very worked up at awkward moments thinking of my lover's perfect (to me, at least) choice of words. Mmmm...

cammies on the floor said...

So many similes and metaphors!

in bed with married women said...

Cammie--I know! Glorious!

emily said...

1) "womb ferret" is my new favorite euphemism for cock.
2) Answer to Jill's call for "remembered words":
A some-time bed-friend had announced he was trying out celibacy for a time. I interpreted that as a challenge and flirted HARD with him until he looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Do we need to finish this in the bedroom?" In tone, intensity and inflection it sounded exactly like a guy in a bar saying to another, "Do we need to step outside?"
The sex that followed was equally intense.

James said...

Testing.

in bed with married women said...

emily, oh yes, i love remembered words!
james, thanks, man. still think something's wiggy. but just for some people? still workin on it.

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