Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Reader Question on Dirty Sex Talk, Joan Rivers on Saggy Bits, and Life Philosophies That May Or May Not Help You.

"Line, please."
1.  First, this question from reader G:  
     Hi Jill,
     Any chance of writing a piece on sexual insults that men would find a turn on?
     I love being called a bitch/slut/whore etc, whilst being right royally fucked, but I often struggle with how to respond without damaging the delicate male ego!  I'd love you to write about dirty sex talk that women could use towards men.
     Thanks :-)
    Kind regards,
    G

Okay, a) I am presently too lazy and stricken with "restless legs"* to write a whole big thing about dirty sex talk. (However, here's a vaguely-related, consolation one about a lover's moan and other completely lovely sex sounds...)

But b), and probably more importantly, these days I don't fucking know. (See also: I had sex with water.) However, I do love your phrase "whilst being right royally fucked" so let's throw your question out to the Strangers of the Internet. Strangers? Can you come up with anything, you dirty, dirty...um, selfish passive-aggressive fuckheads who can't recognize real love and big, earth-shaking passion when it stares you right in the fucking face, goddammit... Um, yeah.  So this is why I need you to handle this one. Anyone?

2.  A lot of people think that Joan Rivers was bitchy and mean, which she totally was, but she was also ground-breaking, ballsy and often hilarious. I laughed a ton reading her book  I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me especially this bit on why she hates old bodies:

Everything drops when you get old...boobs, bellies, butts, everything.  Last week my friend Miriam was sagging so much she tripped over her vagina. Talk about turning lemons into lemonade. She said she's glad her vagina dropped because every time there's an earthquake she's suctioned to the floor.

C'mon, the woman was a billion years old and saying completely edgy things like that. Viva Joan!

3.  And finally these two bits of Possible Life Wisdom I received today via mass emailings which, as everyone knows, is where all of history's great sages got their enlightenment.

This from Pamela Madsen in an email with the subject line: " The Vagina is A Gateway To Our Well Being," which as subject lines go, pretty well gets to the point.

Why do I believe that a woman's vagina and her erotic arousal is the gateway to her happiness? It's partly about a neurotransmitter we call Dopamine. Women are able to create and move Dopamine through their body themselves by engaging in a practice that I teach called "The Lotus Lift".

It's really the self stimulation of a woman's own genitals. When women are not moving Dopamine in their bodies they are more likely to engage in addictive behavior, have depression, low libido, sleep disturbances, "restless legs", a lack of ambition and drive and look a the world through a colorless glass. When women are able to bring their Dopamine levels up to a normal level they experience a feeling of well being in their body, their creativity goes up, they are motivated and happier with the little things in life.

What's the magic trick? Getting women to be willing to touch their own genitals on a regular basis and explore the power of their arousal as a healing life force energy.
Okay, if I ignore overly specific part about "restless legs"

Not shown: Time frame for "restless legs" cure.

and the phrase "getting women to touch their genitals on a regular basis" and especially especially that she calls it "The Lotus Lift" (dear god, woman!), I am completely down with the part about a woman's arousal being this sort of huge, amazing life force. 'Cause it so is!

And finally, this from Matthew Hussey who is a bit of a dating huckster, but I liked this nonetheless.  It's about taking chances, risking embarrassment and whatnot. Here he's furthering some metaphor about your ego being like an expensive camera--don't be so worried about breaking it that you don't get the shots or something. Anyway, he says:

People are so busy nursing themselves and cradling themselves and so afraid of the scratches that they never end up using all of their creative channels, they never end up saying half the things they could say to the person they’re interested in. They never go through half the experiences they could go through in life, they’re too busy avoiding the scratches.

Don’t be afraid of the scratches. 


***

Don't be afraid of the scratches, motherfuckers.

xoxo,
jill

*Only for the purposes of this joke. I do not actually have restless legs.  DO. NOT. HAVE. Ok?

(photo)

18 comments:

Vanessa D. said...

Sex with water is usually pretty effective. But sometimes life or thoughts of life get in the way. It happens. So do long dry spells - unfortunately.

in bed with married women said...

Hey Vanessa D. Good to hear from you again. Hope YOU are not experiencing such a spell, girlie.

irrelevant said...

"You dirty, filthy, fucking cock" works for me. But then, I'm easily pleased.

irrelevant said...

Throw in a "fuck me HARD NOW" and you're golden. Just be sure you're ready for him to come, cause that will do it.

Anonymous said...

Restless legs? Mines been a sore hip. The only self love I've given myself lately is with a knobby glass dildo....as an acupressure/self rolfing tool on my muscles and tendons (which works amazingly well in the short term--you can really dig in those knotted tight spots--- and I so wish that was a double entendre. It isn't. It's for the sore hip and surrounding areas.) I've been in a no sex funk too recently, I hear you.

Anonymous said...

oh, btw...with the restless legs...do you use tylenol? I had a heavy dose of it a few weeks back (not my normal go-to otc drug which is normally advil) and it was just horrible on my legs. Horrible pressure and I had to walk up and down the hall to keep keep the nagging soreness at bay.

Anonymous said...

How's this:
He: You filthy slut, get that ass up higher so I can fuck it the way a whore needs to be fucked!
She: Oh daddy, is this right? Is this where you need my ass? Is this what your cock needs?

I think the responses should be in the form of questions to the commands. But I welcome any contrary thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Hmm what I have not heard In a looooonng time and it was always hot (especially when she was on top):...
"I love your cock! Oh god that feels so good" and then stuffing her right boob into my face :...suck me fuck me suck me fuck me" and so forth. Ah the good old days

Spiffy McBang said...

If you're just trying to talk dirty, almost anything that involves non-broadcast TV-friendly words will do. I believe the other commenters have given sufficient examples.

But if you're actually trying to insult him back (in the hottest way, of course), I'd suggest taking his words and throwing them back at him. It may seem odd to call a guy a slut or a whore in the middle of fucking, but if you say what he says, it's like you got the idea to call him that from him. Even with a fragile ego he's much less likely to take offense, and there's a good chance he'll find it hot you're able to say things like that.

in bed with married women said...

irrelevant--thanks, you dirty filthy fucking cock.
Anonymous, i don't actually have restless legs. I just said that to make a joke (or jokeish, i guess) later. good luck w/ the knotted tight spots.
Anonymous 2, i was thinking along those lines too. (v. hot btw) like if someone is the dirty slut, them maybe the other can't also be the dirty slut and needs to be victimizer. so you have to go with that scenario. I'm going to stop now bc i'm sounding highly nerdy to myself.
Anonymous 2, well, i shall wish for some right boob to appear in your future.
Spiffy, yep. i wonder if there are lots of stories of people saying the wrong thing and it is horrible and jarring or that once you're at that point, it's all good..?

Anonymous said...

I pretty much like to be called a slut/whore/ bitch.

Inside jokes are good. "Make up for your tiny cock!"

My favorite, though, is simply having a loud competition, which works past the point where neither of us can put a syllable together.

Anonymous said...

Since we are talking Boobs here for a minute, I can't get enough of them (sucking that is). Where does Jill stand on this? Only when she is cumming or not much or ...?

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous 4, right on. though the inside joke thing def. is a only-certain-circumstance kind of deal.
And Anonymous 5. my boobs are magnificent but there shall be no more talk of them, please.

Naive Nancy said...

that's a tough one. i have not encountered men that prefer negative connotation moanings. most men generally prefer ego boosters, therefore all of my suggestions would lean in that direction. that's a really good question. as to the restless legs, dear god but a good orgasm at least distracts me for a bit.

in bed with married women said...

naive nancy, you sound so...kindly. like you're from the south. also i do not actually have restless legs. it was part of a joke that at this point doesn't seem nearly funny enough.

Cagey-C said...

For what it's worth, I laughed out loud when I got to the Pamela Madsen quote. The superfluous quotation marks at the beginning made hilarious sense. Of course, a couple folks with whom I work have taken to (affectionately) referring to me as The Comma Czar, so perhaps there's just a strange corner of my brain that responds to punctuation-related humor.

As for the insults to use on guys, I think it's probably true that many men are conditioned not to look for that sort of thing. The general cultural expectation of men is to be doers, performers, accomplishers--with the attendant performance anxiety that goes along with that. Filthy talk can be really hot, as can insults--but that ideally, I think, would be figured out in conversation with particular partners rather than there being some sort of magical combination of words that will work for most men.

Also, that Joan Rivers bit is hilarious. She did a version of it in an episode of Louis, too, which was very funny to see performed.

in bed with married women said...

Cagey- I loved that Louis!-- esp. the part where they're going off together and she says something like "Pretend like i'm someone else--no one likes a necrophiliac." prob. misquoting...

Anonymous said...

Jill I just knew they were!
OK. Will now try to stop imagining your right one in my mouth.

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