Wednesday, August 17, 2016

True Sex Tale: Cici, "We have made love five times this year."

I was working on some boring-ass other thing when this plinked into my in-box from "Cici Sparkle." Holy fuck, this chick can write. Her story is so...dark and true. (Displaced/unfullfilled passion, it is motivating...)

I am just gonna run it without comment except to say that if you want to tell your own true sex story, face up to what's going on and send it in.

Here then, Cici Sparkle:

A “sexless marriage” is defined as one where the couple has sex fewer than 10 times in a year. We may have made love five times this year. It’s September. We have been married for 15 years.

I find him attractive, cute, boyishly, geek-ily sexy. I'm independent, feminist, loud, fun, reformed wild-and-crazy; he is passive, quiet, thoughtful, brilliant.

He doesn’t look at my body, doesn’t try to touch me, never sneaks in while I’m showering or grabs my ass while I’m cooking or talking on the telephone. He has never seduced me; has never unhooked my bra or looked at my body as he removed my panties. Sexy pictures and suggestive text messages make him uncomfortable and angry. He accuses me of being unstable - to whom else are you sending these photos? - and unsafe with technology when all I want is to tap into the primal, animal instinct that he must have… doesn’t he?

I approach him while wearing lingerie, bluesy-sexy music playing in the background, feeling lascivious and tasty, and he turns on the TV. I wrap my arms around him, throw my legs over his lap, gently nibble his earlobe and he freezes, almost as if he is afraid of what I may “do” to him.

He stays up all night either consciously or unconsciously to avoid coming to bed. Lovemaking, when it happens, is only in the morning. That way he can pull away from me afterwards, bounding out of bed to get showered and dressed immediately so I won’t have further expectations to be held or kissed or, heaven forbid, to reach climax. I make him feel dirty, I suppose, but not in a good way. If I’m on top - most times - he doesn’t move, save to hold my hips lightly. Occasionally he’ll cup my breasts and kiss them tenderly if they are right in his face, otherwise there is no foreplay. Perhaps this is my own fault. I am so easily - physically - turned on, so he never had to try very hard.

I can’t help but keep track. very Monday morning, after another weekend that we didn’t make love, I pick a fight. When he is sick or we have overnight weekend guests, I am irrationally angry and bitter: another lost opportunity for intimacy. Every time my period starts I rage, the pain and exhaustion mocking me, Mother Nature marking another month that he hasn’t even tried. When we do make love successfully, I am angry, too, because I know that the next time could be months away.

I don’t think he’s vindictive. He somehow doesn’t know what else to do, can’t read my body language, and follows instruction poorly. We used to have a good time together, even after our children were born. I had a lot of experience with men and sex but not with love. Our relationship was never passionate, but there was always deep caring and trust and a desire to please.

Have I mentioned that my husband is an alcoholic? Over the years he has progressed from being a social/heavy drinker to being a drunk, an habitual drinker, a selfish fuck of a man who drinks steadily until he passes out or until all of the beer is gone. He doesn’t yell or throw punches; instead he leaves a trail of beer cans and potato chip crumbs for me to find the following day, falls asleep in front of the blaring TV, lights blazing, with a beer can in his hand, spilling on the couch and the carpet. He wakes up sticky-eyed and confused just before dawn and rambles to bed as quietly as his lanky 200 pounds can be. He sleeps through his alarm, occasionally getting up in time to walk the kids to the bus stop with pungent, yeasty sweat coming out of his pores. My favorite mornings happen every few months when I wake up to him having pissed on his side of the bed.

Al-Anon tells the enabler not to manipulate situations so the alcoholic will pay bills, eat, go to work, or sleep. We are essentially told to get out of the way and let the train wreck happen. I have stopped fighting with him about his drinking and sleep habits and our terrible, sad sex life. He has worn me down and I can’t bear to be rejected any more. “You know I’ll never leave so the pressure is off. I’m trapped and unhappy and you don’t care. So, you win. I will not pursue you any more.”

There is a specific point in his drunkenness when he can be coaxed into bed. Too little alcohol and he wants to stay up later and party; too much and he is sloppy. Thursday was one of those nights. I was asleep although not soundly, too dead tired at this late hour to greet him but alert enough to hear him close the door and lock it. He crawled into bed and put his arms around me, my back to him. I lay uncharacteristically still and hoped he would get the hint to leave me alone. My instincts told me that if I woke up fully and encouraged him I would be disappointed, left aroused, alone, and wide awake. He nudged and snuggled me until he finally persuaded me to turn over on to my back. Despite myself, my arms went around his neck ... he is my husband, after all, and I love him in an unrequited, desperate way.

We lay quietly, close together. His tongue slithered into my ear, big and wet and invasive. I shuddered and pulled my head away. He kissed my neck and my face with lips that felt flabby and loose, smacking noisily. I tried to kiss him the way we used to - a light touch, gingerly sucking his bottom lip, gentle, tentative tongue - but he was too drunk to follow my lead. Instead he pressed my lips too hard with his mouth, hurting them against my teeth, jamming his tongue inside my mouth, licking and swirling with the finesse of a sixteen-year-old. He tasted like beer and smokeless tobacco, which he probably flipped out of his mouth when he came to bed. My skin crawled and I pulled my face away. He reached his hand between my legs and pushed them open gently, then used one finger to part the outer lips of my labia as he began recklessly jamming his hips into mine, not guiding himself or exploring, just poking until he found a warm spot.

He is well-endowed and was hard enough to penetrate me but I knew immediately that he wouldn’t finish. For several long minutes his efforts were on straight fucking, all pelvis and cock, pressing his full weight on me, banging away and breathing heavily. The alcohol rendered him incapable of multitasking so I raised my hips, moving with him, encouraging him, but also reaching for the tiniest bit of pleasure for myself. I was wet but not fully aroused so I wasn’t “open” enough to take his full length; I winced and tried to move away every time he thrust and hit my cervix. Tears rose in my throat as I whispered to him to slow down. He feels claustrophobic when I hold him too closely or wrap my legs around his hips so I lay my open hands lightly on his shoulders, my feet firmly planted on the bed, waiting for him to exhaust himself.

Finally I could feel him getting tired, losing his erection, breathing heavily, slowing down and stopping, at last, to catch his breath. He stumbled out of bed and went to the kitchen for glasses of ice water. When he returned and deposited my glass on the nightstand, I pretended to be asleep and made a small noise when he patted my head. Wide awake now, my back to him in the darkness, feeling light-years away, listening to his breathing as it became deeper, I thought about all of the reasons that I hate him.

Hope you can use this ... thank you for your beautiful blog.

Thank you for being such a bad-ass, Cici. And yes, of course, I can use it. Hope it finds its way to who(m?)ever might be needing it in their day today.


(photo source)


Anonymous said...

I'm so sad to say so, but, as Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sad to say so, but, as Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Bill said...

LEAVE. As soon as possible. This person does not deserve you, and perhaps if you kick him out he will sober up. I don't really know what else to say... this is beautifully written but tragic, and if you are ever to find happiness, the situation cannot go on. DTMFA. he is selfish and he will drain you of your life.

in bed with married women said...

Also, a reminder: The spirit of these is not that the writers are looking for advice, but rather that they're sharing their particular truth. The last thing anyone wants is to be brutally honest and vulnerable and then have strangers judge/rate their choices. So be nice.

(Not talking to you two above specially--you are obv. being helpful-- just don't want Cici to feel like everyone's jumping all over her. And not in the good way.)

Anonymous said...

Omg this is my life. With low testosterone added to the alcohol. It's sad, it's lonely, it's frustrating. I think about walking away on a regular basis.

Anonymous said...

This breaks my heart. No one should feel that alone. You may think you're staying for the kids, but how can kids feel happy and secure in a place where dad is a drunk and mom feels angry and alone? Sex is important. It's how we feel connected. It is VITAL to a long-term relationship. Ask your husband to work on his sex and drinking. If he refuses, then you know change isn't happening. Life is too short.

in bed with married women said...

Thought you might to see some of the other comments on this in other places IBWMW links:

"Unsettlingly familiar."

"Freaking amazing!"

"This is what I fear the most. Big hug to her!"

"All I can say is... HOLY SHIT, that was almost me. I'm so glad I managed to get out and find my soulmate."

"Wow. That is one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever read. I'm off to give my wife am inappropriately large hug and kiss."

Anonymous said...

And that's why I just told my partner I'm leaving him. Breaking his heart and mine but I'm not happy anymore and haven't been for quite some time.
(Let's be honest - not just because of the (non)sex, that's just a symptom. There's so much more wrong than 'just' that.)

5 times a year? That would be nice...

*Hugs* Cici. Think about you - all of you. Someone needs to.
Your sexuality is an important part of who you are. Never be ashamed of that. x

Anonymous said...

Until she wrote about the alcoholism, I thought she was describing a man with Aspergers. So sad.

Michelle R. Lane said...

I could relate to a lot of what the author was saying, and unfortunately I recognized many of my past relationships in her current struggle. My immediate reaction, once I learned about the alcoholism, was to also think that she should leave. That's too easy an answer. Leaving only solves one problem, and potentially creates more. But yeah, I've been there many times, feeling unsatisfied, undesired, frustrated, angry, and hating the man who is sleeping soundly next to me while I lose sleep over my unmet needs.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

TTW said...

Wow. A lot going on with Cici.
Mr Savage's usual DTMFA, IMHO cannot be deployed here due to 2 factors.
#1 There are children involved, and #2 alcohol.
I grew up in a house with an alcoholic mother, and have seen that people can change their lives, and drop the booze.
The people who love that person must see, though, (and this is the hard part) that the now-dry-drunk is still the same person, only the dry drunk now must present themselves to the world as the flawed person they truly are.
In the process, the alcoholic's loved ones must then learn to see themselves very differently too. They are no longer "victims" but simply another flawed person trying to find their way through a complex world now damaged, changed, and burdened by issues they cannot comprehend, but hope that there is someone who will love them anyway. I have no advice for Cici, but send her love and hope anyway.

Anonymous said...

You described my life....20 years of a "good" marriage and sex life...and then...for 5 years I was celibate in my marriage. He would pass out from drinking or avoid my advances, and finally could not get an erection at all with me in the room. Similarly I couldnt sleep next to him, I would cry silently through the night while he slept blissfully beside me. After 5 years of no sex, separate bedrooms, begging for counseling, and an episode of serious depression, I asked for a divorce. Two weeks later he revealed that he gay. Leave now. Your life will get so much better

Sir Thomas said...

Thanks for posting Cici's story.

I live in a similar sexless marriage (wow, 5 times per year sounds great) with the daughter of such an alcoholic marriage. As a 10 year old, sleeping in the room next to where her mother was being 'raped' has scarred her for life. She has difficulty in relating with men, issues of trust and intimacy.

We potter along, now into retirement, but I have to look outside for my needs.

To Cici, get out for both you's and your children's sake before permanent emotional damage is done.

Anonymous said...

Cici can only say so much in this short piece and often there is so much more to say. In my situation together 30, married 26, she is less physical and affectionate than I am. Had fertility problems for 6 years, then twins, then pediatric cancer (the kid is fine). We were on a once a month schedule for much of the last 10 years, three years ago 3 time that year, and no intercourse for almost 2 years. Menopause has been slowly kicking in and she has an atrophied vagina so we can’t.
There are drugs for that but she is so sensitive that (if she ever tries it) she will have bad reactions (I am married to a hot house flower).

Some of it is attitude some of it is hormonal. I suppose I believe her when she say she doesn’t masturbate. If she had been getting off all these years and just ignoring me this would be a different conversation. But if her libido is so small that she doesn’t even take care of herself how can I justify being angry with her. Still she could have at least tried to please me once and a while, just a little.

I always get a little head when we try, but have not had a blow job to completion in over 20 years, and one shower surprise hand job in the last 10 (I was still shaky legged and dripping when she started to bitch about how much work it was (maybe 5 minutes).

Given that I am getting older, I have strong hands and 99% of my sex life is with me, I have gotten a less sensitive and when my wife loses interest (or starts saying ouch!) I lose my hardon (I could never be a rapist).

She has put on pounds, me less so, but I don’t consider it much of an issue, we all want our spouses to look like VS models, but most of us live in the real world and are happy with simply a willing and enthusiastic partner. She certainly has body issues (has had them since she was a first class hotty in her 20’s), but then also says that the lingerie era is over and we are done with that. Women especially with a little extra this or that have used lingerie to deal with this for centuries.

But I have kids in high school so it is no longer about me; I will grit it out for a couple of more years. She has her completely legitimate issues with me so I am not free of responsibility for all of this. In my mind she has given up all moral claim to fidelity. I suspect I will start to hire pros on occasion and leave when it all eventually blows up. It sucks, I am starving for affection, I hate any media showing happy couples in warm loving relationships, non-porn sex scenes just make me mad. I will continue to live a life of quiet desperation until the kids are out. The ironic part is that if you asked most people who know us they would likely answer that we have it made, healthy, decent looking, smart, wealthy and most would probably think our love life rocks. Shit!

There is so much nuance that is omitted here.

Tina Guglielmotti said...

CiCi you're descriptive writing talent is AMAZING! You have unlocked a passion that you obviously can lose yourself in!!
Strong, independent and capable....yes you are!
Thank you for sharing your voice...

in bed with married women said...

More comments on this from the rest of the web:

--Well, that's all too familiar.


--Oh wow. That almost made me cry.

--Wow, that was incredible. Deeply uncomfortable to read about the non-consensual activity...

--What a nightmare. This is what happens when we're not paying attention to what's important to us. I know many people who feel stuck in relationships like this and it makes me weep for them. If sex was important before you got married, how did you end up marrying someone who doesn't see it as important at all?

--I am her in my relationship. Tbh it happens slowly, they are trying to please you beforehand and every so slowly it falls away as the relationship with alcohol becomes stronger and they hate themselves more and more. I think slut shaming comes into it when it's women who aren't getting sex/intimacy too- because you're a nymphomaniac and should be ashamed etc. It sucks. Also even though sex is important, you can tell yourself that it will get better if we just try hard enough... If we both commit and surely he loves me enough to do this for me, right? But it's not that simple. And a long term enough is not based solely on sex, there is so much about them that you love dearly and I think the desire and not getting what you want can be strangely erotic and captivating. Being a Sub with a Dom that won't fuck you or kiss you is kind of weird and electric. I know he loves me, we are drawn together through all of the bullshit. But he loves alcohol more. And he has severe metal illness which causes a lot of shame and self loathing, even to the point of maybe body dysmorphia. He sees something disgusting in himself that I don't. Love is a strange addictive thing. I sometimes consider leaving but I'm never serious. It feels too horrific to bear (my own issues) after 10 years of being so attached to a person and it wasn't always this way, there was a find when we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Can't Keep Anything to Myself said...

Beautiful, sad and so raw.
Good luck, Cici!

Chaffyn said...

I'm sorry. I wish I could help you. I am crying for you. Pain is often so undeserved.

I look at painful situations which defy resolution, my own included, and think there must be a valuable lesson in here somewhere. If there is it usually evades me.

Anonymous said...

Stories like this are proof that pre-marital sex is a must. Sexual incompatibility runs rampant throughout society, but it only emerges once the wedding night is passed. This must come to an end, along with attempting to fool one's self that things will work out eventually.

A bad sign is alcohol and/or drug use by one partner more than the other. It's a way to dull the pain of unmet expectations of all kinds, not the least of which is discovering that you made a terrible choice in life partners. Sobering up takes away the veil, and sex generally ends anyway.

I'm sorry that sexually-frustrated people have to endure their deprivation lest all they have achieved in all areas gets affected. Because our society is so sex-negative (except for procreation), we have nowhere socially-acceptable to turn for release of our tensions without having to pay an incredibly high price.

Anonymous said...

There's plenty of sadness and disappointment in this piece, and not only that of the writer. The man is clearly suffering deeply as well. No mention of whether any kind of therapy has been attempted, or even a little MDMA and a weekend at the beach. If we were to hear his story, I wonder if there'd be so much DTMFA sentiment. No blame from me, but I just want to note that modern marriage is like an ill-fitting shoe for many people: blaming each other only distracts us from the true problem.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so the focus needs to be on why he is so withdrawn. There is obviously a deep seated insecurity that he is just too afraid to deal with. That could also explain the alcohol... Many men are not robotic individuals who start drooling and get an erection at the sight of a naked woman but that doesn't mean we don't love and desire our wives and partners. Men can be as complex as women. We have anxieties and insecurities too. In my case I went through a similar experience because I have always been a cross-dresser and was terrified my wife would leave me if she knew. But cross-dressing was a part of my sexual identity and it wasn't until this part of me was no longer hidden that we could move on. It sounds like Cici's husband may have similar issues. He might have strong submissive urges but is too frightened to deal with them. Perhaps he has bisexual urges. The point is that it sounds like it is a marriage worth saving. These issues have to be dealt with head on in a compassionate and loving way by both sides in the marriage.

Anonymous said...

One commenter said, "The man is clearly suffering deeply as well." It might well be that anxiety over his performance--either not being able to have an erection, or an orgasm--might be causing his reluctance to even try. Both of these phenomena can be traceable to alcoholism, and lead to a reluctance to expose himself to the anxiety of trying and the shame of failing. No matter how much Cici may tell him she loves him, or tell him "it doesn't matter"--for virtually any male, it does. Cici might want to look elsewhere for her satisfaction but she apparently would not prefer that; in that case, the couple really have to address the alcoholism.

aj said...

great writing. and so close to home. only two years with my partner, but the infrequency, the irritation, the inability to leave, and of course, the alcohol... thanks for sharing this.

Jill Hamilton said...

anonymous, yes, think you're seeing it deeply.

oh aj, i'm so sorry. I hope that something gives. in a good way. xoxox

Anonymous said...

If you've "been there many times" you may be choosing your partners based on a screws up love map, perpetuating bad patterns. Are there any essential similarities between your lovers? Consider breaking the pattern.

Anonymous said...

Your story is sad, and uncommon. For the most part an alcoholic will always be one. That's why DTMFO is sound advice, for the sake of the kids. I bet as a result of growing up with an alkie parent you are more tolerant of bad behavior from loved ones than you should be for your own well being.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I am so sorry. What a selfish man. I don't care what pain alcoholics are supposed to be dealing with, at bottom they are horribly selfish, self loathing, cowardly people one is better off without. It was nowhere but upwards for you. Why do people wait til the situation is truly untenable? As if they're waiting for their "tormentors" to die & release them. Glad you're out.

very curious said...

So tragic, and well written! I hope you found peace and happiness.....