Monday, February 4, 2013

Reader Mail 2: Son of Reader Mail--It's Alive

Happy Reader Mail Day, darling!
Apart from all those ignorant fucks who left in a huff when I outrageously wrote that gay people should be able to love whomever they want, IBWMW readers are a smart, open-minded, curious lot. And other readers are always asking what you all might think about...everything. Like the writers of these letters below. Feel free to answer if you feel called to do so, because I'm feeling a little Quaker Meeting-like today.  (Note: I am very bad about responding promptly to reader mail, hence the post-Christmas theme in the first letter. Let's just pretend it's few weeks ago and make do, shall we?)

Letter #1:
From B: Have you considered an article (or poll of your readers) along the lines of "Did you get the sex you wanted for Christmas?" It could be only a husband thing, but I always want some kind of special bedroom stuff- something beyond the ordinary fucking- for every gift-giving occasion, and I never get it. I wonder if other couples do this... instead of buying something as a gift, do something nice in bed? Do wives like this as a way to save money, or do they hate the pressure of it, or think it makes the holiday "dirty?" I'd be fascinated to hear other wives and husbands talk about this...

Anyone? Thoughts on sex as holiday gift idea?

Letter #2:
From Lady J, who in lieu of the True Wife's Tale she's been meaning to write (a "really boring one," she says, "for balance"), got all hepped up on the Necessity of Foreplay after trolling about on mummy blogs and finding  The Authoritative New Parents' Guide to Sex After Children.

I was a bit personally outraged by some of the advice, and I kept thinking that you and your readers would be the go-to people for opinions about this advice.  In particular I really struggle with the author's assertion that "foreplay is icing.... and... wastes precious time." especially in the context of sex after you've had babies.  In no particular order, here are the reasons why I object to this assertion:

* If you're breastfeeding (I am) it changes your hormonal balance and makes your vagina drier than it might otherwise be - so foreplay is essential for the necessary physical lubrication for penetration not to be painful
* If we skip foreplay it's difficult for me to even be in the mood for penetration (mental lubrication, if you will)
* Given that most women don't achieve orgasm from penetration, skipping over the bits that are pleasurable to women would seem to imply that their pleasure isn't as important as the man getting his rocks off
* Skipping foreplay for me is skipping the most enjoyable bit of the experience
* If the man is subject to erectile dysfunction, or doesn't last long once penetration has begun (not necessarily dysfunctional, just "short-fused" shall we say - not necessarily a problem either) then it's certainly a case of wham-bam-thank you-ma'am, where the man is replete and satisfied and the woman is just getting warmed up when it's all over (and then in the article it says you can have "afterplay, if there's time" - in other words, if there's an interruption and/or no time, mama misses out again)
* I think that foreplay and love play in general lead to a feeling of closeness between partners, and if you leave this out repeatedly then you are leaving out a level of closeness essential to maintaining a healthy relationship
* Just cutting straight to penetration seems to be privileging penetration over other sorts of closeness and lovemaking, which seems to be buying into/influenced by porn culture
* If you always leave out the foreplay (and this is a big fear of mine) you set a precedent for it not being a requirement /part of lovemaking any more, and it's possible that your partner might think it's no longer required at all in the future (my husband already has to be reminded to begin at the beginning, not in the middle of things, if he wants to get me in the mood for sex)
* (I have a whole bunch of issues surrounding sex, and or but) it feels to me as if by always saying "yes" to your husband, no matter how inappropriate the timing or how much you DON'T feel like having sex, and then JUST having penetration which does nothing for you, you really are just servicing him and his needs, and it feels very clinical and unloving (lie back and think of England/ a woman's duty etc etc).
I know that random mummy blogs are not necessarily the most reputable sources of information, but this one has really triggered some stuff for me. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on this article and my reactions to it - and does anyone else think/feel like this??  (When you're new to a town, without many friends and also at home all day with 2 pre-schoolers it's hard to get adult input/feedback, especially on more sensitive subjects like this).

Thanks for the excellent content on IBWMW - I can't afford to pay for a subscription (every cent counts here as we're on one income with 2 pre-school children) and I'm exceedingly grateful that I can still access the content for free.  

That's all for today, oh, wait except for this one that came via the sometimes wee bit sketchy IBWMW Facebook page from someone I will refer to as "Harder Fucker man."

Letter #3:
I am Harder Fucker man from Bangladesh.I have strong dick.My fucking during time minimum 45 minit,any unsatisfied lady can contact with me satisfied fucking.

I was notified via email that it had been posted on the page, but by the time I got there, it had disappeared. I'm guessing one of y'all deleted it, but I prefer to imagine that Harder Fucker man had a Great Enlightenment and re-thought his "I have strong dick" girl-wooing technique. Or, if not that, he is registering Harder Fucker Man at the International Kick-Ass Superhero Name Registry in Helsinki.

Until later,



N/A said...

Even though I am a different Lady J, I loved her letter. I agree that foreplay is incredibly important--both for the emotional connection and for the physical ability to orgasm. Men, listen well-- I'm sure there are women out there that might disagree, but I don't know any. Reader emails are fun and insightful.

Love your blog as usual... and the great pictures you find!

Anonymous said...

I am a fan of foreplay. Sometimes really rarely am I cool with a wambam situation. After being married for 10 years I find occasionally we new to have the "I am not just a vagina and set of boons talk" this them can lead into a day or two of verbal foreplay and double
Meanings and bam the foreplay is back. What I do miss though after 10 years is just making out... You know that whole hot heavy and bothered and going home aching yet in satisfied but satisfied all the same. This leads me to a thought as my anniversary is coming up maybe its time to hit a boring movie and pretend we are in high school again and just go "necking"... Hmmmmm then Asian there's this thing with a flower I have always wanted to try... Anyhow I won't bore you with the love love this blog by the way.
To the writer if the holiday sex idea I would love a little more "special" sex on those days. Not only is it budget friendly it shows real thought into what you and your partner like and don't like and a true interest in the sexual relationship side of the two of you... Hmmm how about a holiday sex gift of the month club?? Like the steak of the month club only more fun... Excuse me while I go spend the imaginary millions I just pictured myself making with that idea...

Anonymous said...

Wow can I even begin to fix the autocorrect issues... Asian is supposed to be again....

Lady J said...

Anonymous I'm SO glad I'm not the only one who has to have the "I am not just a vagina and set of boobs talk" - honestly, it gets SO boring! I'm so sick of the obsessive focus on only those areas for pleasure that I can't even read Mills and Boons any more (how sad are you when you're SKIPPING the sex scenes?!).

Anonymous said...

When I saw the letter #3
I spit my midnight coffee.

Anonymous said...

Oh, man, sex-as-present. sigh. I wish! (woman here) I think its just a sex drive thing. Unless my man is already horny he can't imagine having sex, and the idea of a set place and time leaves him cold. Whereas I'm ALWAYS down for whatever, whenever.

The to-foreplay or not-to-foreplay debate always gets me. Foreplay is non-negotiable. It is PART of sex. Even if its just mental mind fuck foreplay. There must be foreplay. Imagine if there was a to-touch-the-penis or not-to-touch-the-penis debate. As a woman, my WHOLE BODY is my sex organ. "Oh, honey, I'm so horny! But I'm not going to touch your penis or your butt because we just don't have enough time! Quick, get down there before the baby wakes up!" Some guys might be into that once or twice, but as the rule? I think not.


A Heron's View said...

Lady or even ladies first is my motto!

Cagey-C said...

As a childless guy, I find the foreplay letter to be right on target. Sex is supposed to be fun, not a chore, and pleasurable rather than painful (unless you find pleasure in some pain, which is all good, too). Why rush through? I would add to her letter, though, that one way around the discomfort from lack of lubrication is to buy and use a synthetic lube. They make everything quite comfortable, and putting them on is fun--even an element of foreplay. (Okay, the one caveat there is that you might want to breathe on or otherwise warm them up when you use them on a cold night--again, unless you like a little pain with your pleasure.)

As for the last letter, I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed. I just had a whole box of Harder Fucker Man business cards printed up, only to find that someone else is using the name. Now what am I going to do with them?

in bed with married women said...

Oh, I forgot to add that IBWMW readers are all stellar lovers.

Slummy Mummy said...

Sex as holiday gift idea??? Hey, I'm all for that instead of buying HIM a present. But don't even THINK about returning the favour matey, there had better be something for me to unwrap on Christmas morning other than your dick with a ribbon tied round it!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with the rant that foreplay is NOT icing. Foreplay is orgasm for me.

So, um, I guess my pleasure is secondary to his? It's an odd concept.

What bothers me about the Foreplay Is Icing post is that this one woman takes her own personal experience and then goes on to say we all have to do what she does. Must do it. She makes it a series of rules that we must repeat even!

Totally bizarre.

I want to go and tell that blogger, "Your experience is not my experience. Your experience is not everyone's experience."

Anonymous said...

Birthday sex & holiday sex. I do try and do something a little "special" for those days. Hopefully it makes up for the fact that mostly I'm shit at getting good presents.

Trisha said...

As always, I love this blog. I was particularly excited about Lady J's critique. She's right on. I actually wrote a post linking back here about that letter and orgasm equality.
Thanks Lady J for writing it and Jill for posting it!

Just for fun, I would also add these 3 things to Lady J's rant.
1. It seems to me that each sex experience we have factors into how we feel about future experiences, so if we ladies start having sex, just to "have sex"/to please our partner/to keep intimacy alive and don't also get orgasms during it, then how we feel about sex as time rolls on will be quite different than our male partners who are likely having orgasms during each and every one of these quickie adventures.
2. Mutual masturbation. Everyone gets theirs, and it can be quite quick. Or, just plain masturbation...just cause we chose to blend our life with our partner doesn't mean we have to share every single orgasm with him/her. Let's face it, there's bound to be times in your long lives together when one or both of you keep your sexual life mostly to yourself. It's not a failure, and it doesn't mean it's gonna stay that way forever.
3. Intercourse is orgasmically better (or orgasmic at all) for us ladies if we give ourselves a hand or a vibrator. In my opinion, any advice about quickies for women should mention that.

in bed with married women said...

Slummy Mummy--I guess if he's holding the gift excessively close to his groin, that might indicate dick in the box.
Anonymous--Oooh, you would love Naomi Wolf's book Vagina.
Yourlocallibrarian--Totally makes up for it. You're good.
Trisha--Thanks for the write up! Viva Lady J!