Friday, October 26, 2012

Title This Post Contest

O, cruel biology
So I was going through your responses to the questions about clit-vag distance and its relation/non-relation to your propensity to come via straight-on intercourse alone (Woo! Sexy talk. Is it hot in here?) and now I am just...depressed. Or possibly pissed off. At the very least, I am most certainly miffed.

Why? Because of those among you who can have an orgasm--like no problem--with no other kind of hand stimulation, mouth assistance, divine intervention--nothing. Practically all the time.

For example, in response to "Do you come easily, sometimes or never via intercourse alone?" Anonymous commented:

"rather easily and usually multiple times"

And Naomi bragged answered:

"always come easily, no fingers or appliances needed (or even wanted, too distracting from the main event)"

For me, coming from just fucking alone has happened--maybe--five times. In my life. And that's rounding up.

It's biological tyranny, I say.

For men and the rare lucky chick who just needs a little in-and-out to come "rather easily and usually multiple times," let me explain. I think porn and romance novels and the in-and-out chicks have skewed what we think is a "normal" sexual response. Despite what we see and read all the damn time, the majority of women need some sort of extra stimulation to have an orgasm. The vast majority of women. That's just how it is.

Several men and women, who I consider to be generally enlightened, have mentioned variations of "it just takes the right man"--which is, I think, only true to a certain extent. Yes, some men are much better lovers. Yes, some men's parts are more compatible with your own. And yes, some men will get you so hot you could practically come from their gaze. All of these are good and can help.

However, in most women, the clit is where things are happening. But in a cruel twist of nature, Today's Generally Accepted Fuck Moves are happening in the vagina, which is annoyingly close to the clit, but...not...quite...there. Men, picture if your main sensory pleasure center was, say, on your perineum but you were expected to get to your bliss via regular old boning. You could get close. Your balls might rub against there occasionally, or you might figure out some crazy-ass position that sort of almost did the trick. But it wouldn't the kind of direct you-are-there-stimulation you'd need.

This is not to say that most women don't like pure fucking because we do. We definitely definitely do. And not just gentle soul-lock lovemaking--sometimes the hard and fast porny fuck pounding, too.

Wrote JS: I like the fuck pounding even if it doesn't "get me there." This is what I crave during sex, a certain amount of roughness or hard thrusting. The soft stuff and touching is great also, but I can do that on my own. I can't fuck myself hard.

Added Anon: Oh, hell yes!! But I don't come like this. Just enjoy it for the raw intensity and squishy noises. :)

I was feeling embittered by this and started wondering if I were a bad lay. After all, would you rather fuck someone who came "rather easily and usually multiple times" (sorry, I'm obsessed with this) or someone who was going to need a hand, and not in a metaphoric sense? I mean I can see that there's a certain hotness in being able to control a woman's orgasm with your touch or to be able to watch her as she brings herself to that place, but damn, I was still a little jealous.

Luckily Trisha, who's making a completely cool sounding movie about female sexual response called Science Sex and the Ladies calmed my ass down over at Reddit:

Agreed, it does make you feel high-maintenance and frustrated sometimes, but I say we think of these "in and out" orgasmers in a different way; as a really small minority - like the 1% billionaires. They're loud and influential, and the culture seems to be shaped around their needs, but it shouldn't be. The vast majority of us, and probably a lot more than we'd think, are in the same boat. We just need to start shaping the culture more around our majority situation; then we wouldn't have to feel so frustrated for no reason. Let's rise up Grinders and Manual Stimulators!! :)

While I head to my workshop to make signs for a Grinders and Manual Stimulators rally, here's a bit more from Trisha:

Masters and Johnson found and recorded physiological evidence of some women who orgasmed from penetration alone, but hypothesized it was a Rube-Goldberg situation where the penis pulled on the inner lips which pulled on the clitoral hood, which rubbed against the clitoris. These orgasms were just like the ones they recorded from more direct clit stimulation, but were the weakest orgasms they recorded - not surprising since it was the most indirect way to stimulate the clit. They didn't find any anatomical characteristics that predicted the ability to have orgasms this way.

Not only do I very much like the Rube Goldberg reference tossed into a discussion of fuckery, but this idea of the weaker orgasm is interesting to me.

I asked a friend if she could come via straight ol' p-in-v (Yes, my social skills could use a little refinement. Thanks for noticing!) and she said, "Sure. Sometimes." When she saw my face darken with envy, she added kindly, "But they aren't as good as the ones I get when I masturbate."

I come away (not via vaginal intercourse, as you now know) even more confused. Are women's orgasms via sex generally weaker than via external stimulation? Are men a little bummed out when they get a woman who requires more work? Shouldn't our high-maintenance ancestors been edged out through evolution--how are we the majority? And how fucking unfair is it that most of us get what might be seen as a pretty major genetic rip off?

I'm also having new admiration for straight men, gay chicks and other lovers of women. I know every new lover is a different country to discover and all that, but seeing the huge variations in what women want, like and require made me realize just how hard it would be to fuck a woman well. The focus-on-the-clit move that would be meltingly blissful to one would be way too intense for another. Men are different from each other too, of course, but it doesn't seem like the differences between them are quite as extreme.

What do we do with all this? We get JUSTICE, sister. I'm having a contest. The prize is this Buzzing Blossom silicon vibrator from Good Vibrations for external stimulation.  You only get to enter if you or the woman you love does not come "rather easily and multiple times." Yes, I know it's unfair, but it's a thousand times less unfair than not being able to come porn-style. We all have our cross to bear.

To enter, drop me an email or leave a comment telling me what this post should be titled. It's almost 5 in the afternoon and my brain is no longer functioning, so I'm relying on you, my differently-abled friend. (btw, if you're feeling squeamish about people knowing how you have an orgasm, check the Name/URL box on the comment form and give yourself a fetching pseudonym.)

Winner announced Tuesday, October 30.

photo: Etude de nu 1950 by Raymond Van Doonen

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Dr. Andrea will Not be fazed. Questions about itchy privates and Sylvia Plath references? No problem, sister.

Dr. Andrea explaining a metaphor in The Bell Jar
Welcome to the second installment of Ask Dr. Andrea, our new IBWMW Doctor-at-Large. Dr. Andrea is an open-minded, completely cool doctor with specialties in women's/sexual health, sustainable medicine, Ayurveda, nutrition, yoga and such. She'll be answering your questions, eh, about every month or so, so if you have a burning issue--perhaps literally like our suffering friend below--email it to

I have three questions:
1.  I have a very itchy part of the entrance to my vagina that usually lasts a few days each month.  I don't think it is a yeast infection, as there is no discharge or smell, and I was prescribed Diflucan which did nothing to ease the itching.  The natural lubricant from my vagina seems to make the itching worse after masturbating, or after sex.  My doctor did not seem very worried about it, and prescribed Clobetasol Propionate, which I use liberally every time I get itchy and it solves the problem.  However, do you have other patients that have this?  The spot is located right on the entrance to the vagina at the back part of the "rim" and the spot is approximately the size of a nickel.  Oh, and scratching at it with toilet paper makes it itch even worse.

2. Perhaps this is related to the first question.  I have pain every time I have intercourse.  It is not bad, maybe a 3 on a scale of 1 - 10.  The pain is during the first penetration, even if I'm lubricated and have already orgasmed.  After that, I can be penetrated several times with no pain.  Is my vagina just highly sensitive?  

3. This question is just purely out of curiosity. In the book "The Bell Jar", the main character starts to bleed uncontrollably the first time she has sex. She goes to the emergency room and the doctor says something like "this happens to one in a thousand girls", or something like that.  What is it that happened to her? Or did the author just make this up?  I have always wondered...

Dr. Andrea: Ok, so, all the info and things you've tried narrowed the answer down a bit, so thanks!

There are several things that could be going on, so it's difficult to figure out without at least an exam, and sometimes even a biopsy is required for definitive diagnosis. The first question sounds to be a version of "vulvar vestibulitis syndrome" (assuming yeast is truly ruled out by symptom type as well as ineffectiveness of the usual treatment, and that steroid cream helped). Various dermatological issues in that area that seem likely are as follows: lichen planus or sclerosis, lichen simplex chronicus, HPV related irritation, HSV (atypical presentation), psoriasis or seborrheic dermatitis, tinia (ringworm), pemphigus, or erythema multiforme. Hormone cycles can affect all of the above, as well as diet and contact with fabrics and soaps/lotions (and of course yeast or bacterial infection would make symptoms worse). So, I would suggest a couple things right off to see if they help:  make sure your diet is low in processed flours and sugar, wear natural fabrics like cotton for underwear to wick away sweat and allow airflow, and use soaps and detergents without dyes or perfumes (preferably natural instead of petroleum sources).

As for the second question, yes, it definitely could be related, and yes, it sounds like your vagina is sensitive! That can be a good thing- but it requires a bit of patience and care to work with. It sounds most like something called vulvodynia (or dyspareunia, although that usually refers to the entire sex act being painful). In your case this might be due to a muscle spasm that won't relax until it's rather forced to. There are several ways to approach this. The first is giving yourself more time and having your partner both take it easy during first penetration, as well as massaging the vulvar area (from the entrance in/up about 2 inches) well beforehand. Fear of it can make it worse, so taking time away from sex to do your own massage will help too. One way to do this is by doing a daily massage before your shower with warmed sesame or almond oil (put the oil in a flip-top and warm it with a few changes of hot tap water in a larger container), liberally massaging everywhere. And yes, inside! Not necessarily with sexual intent... think self-love, rather than self-loooove. The good thing about the self-massage (other than that you'll never need lotion again) is that the oil is antibacterial and antifungal as well as lubricating and moisturizing, so it can kill several birds with one stone. Not that I advocate killing birds. You get the idea. There are also physical therapists that help with vaginal

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Can the "Rule of Thumb" determine how you have an orgasm? Let's see!

So could you take a moment, grab a mirror and stick your fingers in your pants for me?

I'm asking because my post about Princess Bonaparte and her tenacious efforts to figure out why the hell she couldn't come via fucking alone is running right now over on the Good Vibes blog.

Basically, Bonaparte discovered that the distance of the clitoris from the vagina determines the likelihood that a woman can have an orgasm from intercourse alone. Clit close (less than an inch) = easy coming.  Clit far (inch plus) = break out the heavy artillery.

I was thinking about this because my friend Janet, she of the exceptional ass, hosted a marathon showing of Gigoloslast weekend. It's a supposed reality show about male gigolos working in Las Vegas. Beside the shock my cable-less self found at them showing people, like, actually fucking, on TV, I was also struck by how many of these supposed customers ended up getting a porn style rapid-fire fucking. In the eps I saw (an embarrassingly high number I must admit), I saw no vibrator use, no mouth pleasuring and just a wee bit of finger stroking.

Is the fuck-pound what these women really wanted? Or, were these particular gigolos just kinda bad at figuring out what women want/need? Or was the reality show fake, with producers just creating sex scenes that they thought women would request?

Because, according to those randy fuckers over at ABC News, about 75% of women never reach orgasm through intercourse alone. That's right, I said Never.

Now, nothing wrong with a good fuck pounding, but it makes me want to do some unscientific research. (The fuck pounding itself doesn't make me want to do research--I'm not that nerdy.*--but the prevalence of all of these clients supposedly requesting it.)

Which brings me back to that finger in your pants? Do me a solid and measure the distance between your clit and your vagina (your vagina in the true, non-vulvaish sense.) An inch is about the distance between the tip of your thumb and the first knuckle.

Let's do some research!

This is what I need:
--Tell me if your clit-vag distance is more than an inch, less than an inch, or about an inch?
--Tell me if you come easily, never or sometimes via intercourse alone.
--Optional:  Rapid-fire fuck pounding--yay or nay?
--Optional Plus: If you had to chose, who is the most desirable of the Gigolo gigolos?

I know, they are completely personal questions, so go ahead and comment anonymously if you want. If you're a gay chick, feel free to answer regarding other blunt object penetration.

I'll report back with the results.


*Not true.
(photo source)

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

A Farewell to Vagina

In Poland, you get a "pochwa"* to work with.
Vagina, vagina, vagina. Nope, still not comfortable saying it.

Oh, we tried. Believe me. But vagina, well, it rankles.

This despite Naomi Wolf's  Vagina: A New Biography becoming a best-seller, thus providing the enjoyable side effect of listening to NPR newscasters having to choke out the word.

This despite the general vindication of Representative Lisa Brown after she was boorishly silenced for saying "vagina" on the Michigan house floor.

And this despite (or, in may case, perhaps because of) my own dear Fight-the-Power mother being involved in a vagina-saying vaginal protest at the Michigan capital. (With t-shirts featuring Statue of Liberty saying "Vagina."  That no one wanted to wear again, ever.)

Yes, we made a valiant stab at vagina, as it were, but it's time to accept that "vagina" is just not gonna happen.

Vaginas get examined and might require special ointments. Vaginas rile overly vigilant feminists when used improperly in place of vulva. Vaginas do not get fucked.

Yes, I covered this breaking news back in 2010 in The Land Down Under, but it delights/pains to tell you that Caitlin Moran did it 8 thousand times better in her Jezebel article Naming a Vagina is Tricky Business. I mean, her bullet points alone!

There is a panoply of slang words that are, in their ways, just as truly awful as "vagina." Let's bullet point!
  • Your sex: sounds like a preemptive attempt to shift blame.
  • Hole: a bad thing that can happen to stockings or tights. My Johnnylulu is a GOOD thing that happens to stockings and tights.
  • Honeypot: inference of imminent presence of bees.
  • Twat: an unpleasant mélange of cow-pat, stupidity, and punching. No.
  • Bush: the band of the same name are tiresome. The vegetation has spiders. No.
  • Vag: sounds like the name of a busybody battleaxe, à la "Barb" and "Val." Suggestion also of chain-smoking Marlboro Lights, and borderline addiction to bingo. No.
So this whole idea of re-claiming "vagina"--well, I feel like we've given it a fair shake. And when it gets down to it--oh, just fucking admit it--no one really likes saying vagina.  Even Eve Ensler, Little Miss Vagina Monologues, wrote "Doesn't matter how many times you say it, it never sounds like a word you want to say."

Saying it more is not going to make anyone more comfortable with the word. Vagina is, and will always be, just too...vaginaey. And I, for one, am still on the lookout for a suitable replacement.


*Hej kretynie, srom pochwa nie jest! (translation from the Polish: Hey, moron, a vagina is not a vulva.)
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