Friday, March 27, 2015

Real Sex Lives: Dusky, "I am going to see that old lover." (pt. 2 of 3)

(You have arrived in the midst of a grand celebration in which we're re-running IBWMW's all-time greatest Real Sex Stories. So get comfortable there and have a look.)

This is a True Wife's Tale update on Dusky. In her original entry ("I Have Had One Love Great Love and One Great Lover, and They Are Not the Same Man"), Dusky eloquently and honestly described the frustration of loving her husband but having little sexual connection with him. Yes, the sex was friendly and loving enough, but she was looking for smoldering and intense.

Instead of just jettisoning her sexual energy and figuring that this was what "mature love" was or something, she began a torrid email correspondence with Great Lover From the Past. The two exchanged sexy photos and deliciously detailed descriptions about exactly how they would like to wreck each other's bodies.

And, because she wants to live her life openly and authentically, she told her husband about the whole thing.

Several weeks later, I received an email from Dusky.

In just under 3 weeks (eep!) I am flying to London.  It is going to be a little 'me' holiday before hubby and I start trying for our first baby.  I will be catching up with friends and family, but also, I am going to see that old lover.

We will go on a date, and most likely it will lead to sex. He has a girlfriend who has no idea what a cheating bastard he is, so it will all be pretty sordid and clandestine.  It upsets me that I am being open and he is lying, but I will take what I can get.  It feels a little pathetic and anti-feminist, but this man is just too important to me to say no to him.

I now define myself as poly-amorous.  I have acknowledged to close friends, to my lover and to myself that this is not just about sex.  I have a relationship with my London lover, and indeed, we love each other.  We also love our partners.  To me it all makes sense and works.  My husband doesn't like that I have a relationship with this man... he wouldn't mind me just shagging someone else, but the love involved is a problem for him.  But at the same time, he has come to understand that I feel a need for this other person in my life, and he has found his way of meeting my needs.  Our basic arrangement is that he knows I contact this man and will most likely be sleeping with him on my holiday, but he doesn't want to hear about it.  We both have full permission for sex with other people, we just have to avoid it interfering with our life together.

I feel very lucky.  I have a wonderful husband, a wonderful lover, plus some very special and completely understanding friends to talk to about it all.

Anywho, that's where I'm at. Let me know if you'd like a post-London update.


Well, I don't know about the rest of y'all, but I completely wanted a post-London update.

So, if you're down with it, too...coming tomorrow (dun-dun-DAH)...Dusky meets The Lover

*Real Sex Stories are an occasional feature of In Bed With Married Women--the idea being when someone (originally it was just wives, but really, it can be anyone) tells the truth about their sex life (or lack thereof), we all Learn and Grow, and can thus scamper unfettered out into the world to have smarter, better--I don't know--somehow truer sex. This also means that as fun as it is to mock and or judge someone else's choices, don't be a judgey asswipe in the comments.

Want to share your story? It's easy!  Just rip your soul out and email me the tattered remains.


(Photo via LaContessa)


Anonymous said...

As a long time practitioner of polyamory,I must point out that"Dusky" may consider herself polyamorous, but she is not. All of the hundreds of polyamorists I know insist that all partners know and consent to the sex/love relationships of each other. If anyone is deceived or coerced, it is not poly. Dusky is deceiving her lover's girlfriend and likely coercing her husband. Let's just say that as hot as it might be in the morning, in the long run it won't end well.

Anonymous said...

" I feel very lucky. "

I know that tune! :) 

I think it's great that Dusky and her partners are willing to explore new ways of pursuing happiness, instead of re-defining it to a limited palette, or entirely giving up on a particular relationship because it happens to short of a fairytale ideal. 

That said, there are things about the situation which probably cocked a few sex-positive eyebrows besides my own. Dusky says "I now define myself as poly-amorous." But one of the most important aspects of polyamory is that it is conducted with the consent of all partners. Of her London lover's being "a cheating bastard" she says, "it upsets me . . . but I'll take what I can get."

Now, I know I just applauded flexibility and open-mindedness in overcoming our visions of fairytale perfection. But issues of honesty and consent aren't aspects of a relationship that can be de-emphasized and satisfied elsewhere, like great sex or soul-mate-itude. They are central to all healthy relationships. 

I would love to hear if Dusky has considered a way forward from infidelity (on London lover's part) to open, honest relationships all around.

I am also curious about how Dusky's husband is dealing with his feelings of jealousy, and whatever may underlie them. There are some great resources about jealousy and becoming a secure person, perhaps the best of which is here:

Again, I think it's great that Dusky and her partners are finding ways to be happy together. I know from my own experience that two great loves of many years can coexist in a way that respects and enhances the lives of all involved. I look forward to reading more of Dusky's story. 


Anonymous said...

I know some polyamorous people, and they insist (as the commenters have said before me) that polyamoury would need to be consensual on all levels. If the girl friend doesn't know then it is cheating. Cheating hurts people. Dusky's lover sound like bad news.

in bed with married women said...

Just a reminder:

Dusky has been good enough to share her story--not as how she wishes it was, or how other people think it should be--but how it actually IS.

So remember--no judgey, my friends.

Kelly said...

Yes, yes, YES! London update, please!

GarryN said...

I think Dusty is lucky to have such an understanding husband and is adult about everything she is doing.
Looking forward to reading the London Update.

Dusky said...

As a sensitive type, a thoughtful type who tries very hard to act ethically, and as a brave girl who shared my story so honestly, I'm quite hurt by some of these comments. But still, I offer my apologies to the polyamorous community. I didn't mean to mis-use your word, I simply meant to use the word in a dictionary definition of having many loves... but I now see that I will have to find my own word to avoid causing offence in future. To Jill and more positive commenters, thank you for the support. :)