Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Most Unsexy Porn EVER

E.T. has needs too.
I will forever hold a tiny, unyielding grudge toward the reader who brought this to my attention. (And please know that I apologize in advance for bringing it to your attention. Abrasive cleanser to scour your eyes out will be provided upon request.) I am speaking of this...this...well, I'm just gonna say it-- E.T. porn.

The censored (thankfully) footage is from a real E.T. porn film. And, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but "E.T. porn" means E.T. is in the porn, like, having sex. I know! E. flippin' T! When I think of E.T., my next thought is generally not "...is so damn sexy!" but, apparently, that's not a unanimous reaction.

If you are too frightened to look at the movie--a highly reasonable position--I'll give you the lowdown. A female-ish E.T. goes about town making sweet sweet love with various friendly Earthlings. The surprisingly nonplussed townspeople getting down with E.T. appear to be from 1800s-era England. (The 1800s? Why the hell not? The whole thing is already weird enough--why not throw some Abraham Lincoln-looking guy in there as well?)

The E.T. costume is saggy and grey and looks to be made from a vinyl-like, highly unbreathable material. Throughout her sexcapades, E.T. wears a dazed, sad expression. Look at that haunted expression in her/its eyes in the photo--I would not describe it as arousal. As one commenter on sci fi site io9.com noted, "E.T. has this weary look, as though she has to do this on every planet she explores." 

It's difficult to imagine anything less erotic than this film. I mean, there's the whole involvement of E.T., which is bad enough, plus that creepy haunted facial expression, the baggy, wrinkled costume (with matching grey deflated boobs, no less), the 1800s setting--not to mention a hideously creepy tongue thing E.T. does (about :55 seconds in--oh God, it's so awful!) Am I saying it would be somehow less unsexy if the suit were tight like Catwoman's suit, if E.T. had perky boobs, or if E.T. looked to be enjoying her/itself? I guess not--actually, that would probably make it even more upsetting. (The very idea of E.T. doing the standard girl-in-a-porn dialogue of "Ohyeahohyeah" would send me to the fainting couch with my smelling salts.)

Still, my mind strays to unanswered questions: How infinitesimally small is the subset of people who find both E.T. and the 1800s arousing? How did the film makers present their creative ideas to the E.T. suit maker? ("I want it wrinkly and saggy--with boobs!") How did the actors react when the director gave them such pointers as, "In this scene, you will be wearing a top hat and going down on E.T."? And are these actors ever recognized in public for this piece of work? ("Hey, don't I know you from somewher--" "NO! YOU DON'T!)

Anyway, like I said, I'm sorry I was compelled to show this to you. Next time I hope to exhibit better taste. Although if you come up with someone even worse...please, send it my way.

xoxoxo
jill

8 comments:

The Artist Formerly Known As Bagel Fairy said...

Hahahahahaha "No comments."

Yeah, count me as one of the readers who can't watch. Otherwise, I'm sure I'd have plenty to say.

in bed with married women said...

TAFKABF-- Whereas I had to watch immediately.

I love that there's something that's not at all gory, violent, racially offensive, etc... but still so heinous sounding that people can't even bring themselves to watch it.

bettyfokker said...

And now, I cannot unknow this.

in bed with married women said...

yeah, betty, sorry 'bout that.

Joanne Spataro said...

Hysterical, great post! Seriously, who is into watching E.T. getting weird with people dressed in 1800s garb? Maybe I don't want to know...

Dan said...

oh dear...i agree with bettyfokker...i cannot unknow something...i need to buy some bleach and syringe my brain...my childhood memories have been ruined i tells ya, ruined!
i got as far as the tongue licking the paw thingy....ewwwww...hahaha

HSky said...

Did this perhaps get made after the sexual song by Katy Perry entitled E.T.? (P.S. it is not a song from the 1800s)

Anonymous said...

I used to work at the offices of an adult video chain store, seen a lot of weird titles, but I never heard of THAT porn version of ET!

The only one I'm knew of was ET The Extra Testicle.

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