Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Contest, But I'm Going to Make You Work for It

Instead of waking up early and briskly typing out the lovely essay on science, crushes and obsession as I'd planned, I instead chose to hit the Motrin PM last night and watch multiple episodes of "Breaking Bad." I have not learned my lesson and would make the same decision again, but consequently, in place of the hard-hitting, life-changing reportage that you expect around here, I'm forced to offer you the (much less brain power required) gift of Earthly Pleasure.

To wit, this, the Pocket Rocket vibrator* from wholly delightful sex toy company, Good Vibrations:

You know you want me...
To win it, simply be the person to gather the MOST new fans to In Bed With Married Women by next Tuesday, Sept. 27. "Fans" can either be:
--Followers of the blog via Google Reader (see follow button in right column)
--People who "like" the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page 
--E-mail subscribers (see Feedburner form in right column)
--New Twitter followers (@Jill_Hamilton)

Bonus point opportunities!: 
--A shout out and link to In Bed With Married Women on your blog counts counts as five fans.
--A link to the blog or a particular post counts on your Facebook page counts as five fans.
--A FF or RT on Twitter counts as five fans. 

You can either have your recruitees tell me you sent them OR let me know how many you suckered in via comments below or an e-mail. Again, deadline is Tuesday.

* Disclosure:  I once owned one of these pocket rockets and it, combined with this ridiculous looking bunny sleeve thing, was so good, I actually had to throw it away. I loved it too much. It was also the inspiration for the post How to have a G-Spot Orgasm. So, what I'm saying is, well, the %$%& is good. Maybe too good.

Good luck...

[photo:  Undervannsakt (Slow Water) by Raymond Mosken, source]

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ooooh, Sears, You Naughty Little Store, You

Well, that does it. The whole world's gone sex crazy. First it was vibrator ads in the Sunday newspaper coupon section. And now another bastion of squareness has fallen to our freaky, freaky sexual natures.

See this?

This, my friend, is one Red Thong Back Open Cheek Fish Net Pantyhose made by the poorly named company Leg Avenue.

--"Where do you work?"
--"Sorry, I couldn't understand you.  Where?"
--"FINE! LEG AVENUE.  I work at a company called LEG AVENUE. Are you happy now?"

Anyway, this whole Leg Avenue buttless red panty hose item is from... SEARS. Yes, Sears! Craftsman Tools, The Big Toy Box, Kenmore appliances, Toughskin jeans, Sears. The Sears which I tend to think of as more:

And quite a bit less:
Excuse me, does this train
go to Leg Avenue?
I know you might think that the rather large holes in the back are due to shoddy workmanship, but no, that's how they are meant to be. You see, while the rest of us were out paying attention to other, non-Sears-related things, Sears went out and got all porny on us.

Don't believe me? Well, explain this then, Ms. (or Mr.) Smartypants:

This is the Elegant Moments Leather Harness. For a mere $28.50, you or someone you love (or at least someone you like to fuck), could have a similar "elegance." Also deemed worthy of such Elegant Moments in your life are the Elegant Moments leather whip with silver handle, the Elegant Moments leather paddle, and the Elegant Moments "F*ck Me" Choker (I swear to god, it says "F*ck Me". I mean, they put the "f*uck me" in quotes like they didn't know what it means, and they threw the asterisk in there, but come on. At this point, it's a little to late to play it coy, Sears, you little slut.)

My favorite Elegant item is not this, the Mens Rooster Pouch
which doesn't take the top spot because -- not only is it alarming and exceedingly unarousing -- I think it would also encourage various "cock" puns. And I really hate puns. As well as chicken beaks near tender nether regions.

No, my favorite item is this, the Elegance Moments Leather Kilt:

Not because I particularly love the kilt or anything (I'm not a vegan, but I don't see a leather studded kilt as being the best use of dead cow), but because of the look on the model's face. 

You have to imagine how his day has been going. He gets a call that Sears wants him for a catalogue shoot. It's kind of dorky, he thinks, but, hey, it's Sears, it's a good gig. In this photo, he has spent the day being photographed in various bondage gear and very revealing underpants, such as this Mesh Underwear with Chain Back.

Not only is it dawning on him that Mesh Underwear with Chain Back is about the most uncomfortable, not to mention highly impractical, underwear he's ever put on, but he's beginning to wonder if this so-called "Sears photo shoot" has anything thing to with Sears at all. In the mesh underwear shot, he's kind of doubtful about it all, but by the time they break out the leather kilt, his look does not say, "Hello, Sears Consumer, please purchase this handsome leather kilt!" but instead, "This had better be a fucking legit Sears shoot, motherfuckers."

Although, as astute readers will remember, this isn't the first time Sears has gotten all sexytime on us.  Recall, if you will, this 1918 Sears Roebuck catalogue entry for a "very useful and satisfactory for home service" portable vibrator.

Which, in modern day Sears parlance, translates loosely to "a machine you can 'f*ck.'" 

P.S. Upon re-looking at this ad, I noticed at the bottom it says "Not necessary to buy a complete vibrator if you have the Home Motor." What is this Home Motor? Vibrators are glorious and all, but would you really want to stick your wang on some chug-chuging, smoke-spewing 1918 motor?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

"Women Happy Medicine"

I was Googling "sex patents" because -- well, I don't have a good reason for it --and came upon this enchanting piece of history, a 1930s Japanese sexual aids catalogue which purports to provide the "Key to the Sex Question." Whatever this "sex question" is, the answer seems to involve mysterious ointments, finger puppet-looking condoms and a variety of pointy marital aids. But I especially like it for the ad copy, which is charmingly poetic and, often, entertainingly non-illuminating as to what the product actually does.

Consider this:

The copy for the, well, whatever the hell those things are on the right, reads: "This is a blessing to men feel and get young by using this wonderful thing. We particularly recommend it to elderly men." Whatever "this wonderful thing" is (and from the sound of it, even the copywriter is unsure), it appears to come in Big Pointy style or Little Pointy style. I can't read the little booklet in the picture, but I presume it explains why a nice elderly man would want to festoon his wiener with bristles. As for me, if elderly penis is being presented to me, the addition of bristles isn't going to improve the situation. However, I welcome your hypotheses. (And, please know that if you possess elderly penis yourself, I'm of course not talking about your particular elderly penis.)

And speaking of bristles:

More spikes! Why so many spikes? Explains the copy: "If you this (on penis) and love her then she will never separate from you." Because, judging by the photo, she will be permanently impaled (on penis). Which I guess is would be the "unexplainable feeling to women" mentioned on page 6.

And, please, take a moment to enjoy the found poetry on this page:


"Age lady who has too big organ must use this then she will become condition of virgin."

"If you use this powder putting on female organ then will take off bad smell and increasing her organistic feeling very much."

It doesn't mention how you explain putting powder on your lady's female organ (note: "I'm taking off bad smell" will not go well for you) but "organistic feeling"? That sounds good, doesn't it? Yes, I know these products are overhyped, based on bad science and probably involve banned and/or highly flammable chemicals, but I find myself being lured by the bewitchingly odd prose. If I ever find myself back in 1930s Japan, I am definitely buying the Sexual Stimulants (only 2 yen!) because I am simply unable to resist this sales pitch: "A certain cream and tablets, if used, will make the whole business a real pleasure." And if the whole business can be a real pleasure and provide organistic feeling as well, then damn it, that's 2 yen well spent.
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