Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ooooh, Sears, You Naughty Little Store, You

Well, that does it. The whole world's gone sex crazy. First it was vibrator ads in the Sunday newspaper coupon section. And now another bastion of squareness has fallen to our freaky, freaky sexual natures.

See this?

This, my friend, is one Red Thong Back Open Cheek Fish Net Pantyhose made by the poorly named company Leg Avenue.

--"Where do you work?"
--"Sorry, I couldn't understand you.  Where?"
--"FINE! LEG AVENUE.  I work at a company called LEG AVENUE. Are you happy now?"

Anyway, this whole Leg Avenue buttless red panty hose item is from... SEARS. Yes, Sears! Craftsman Tools, The Big Toy Box, Kenmore appliances, Toughskin jeans, Sears. The Sears which I tend to think of as more:

And quite a bit less:
Excuse me, does this train
go to Leg Avenue?
I know you might think that the rather large holes in the back are due to shoddy workmanship, but no, that's how they are meant to be. You see, while the rest of us were out paying attention to other, non-Sears-related things, Sears went out and got all porny on us.

Don't believe me? Well, explain this then, Ms. (or Mr.) Smartypants:

This is the Elegant Moments Leather Harness. For a mere $28.50, you or someone you love (or at least someone you like to fuck), could have a similar "elegance." Also deemed worthy of such Elegant Moments in your life are the Elegant Moments leather whip with silver handle, the Elegant Moments leather paddle, and the Elegant Moments "F*ck Me" Choker (I swear to god, it says "F*ck Me". I mean, they put the "f*uck me" in quotes like they didn't know what it means, and they threw the asterisk in there, but come on. At this point, it's a little to late to play it coy, Sears, you little slut.)

My favorite Elegant item is not this, the Mens Rooster Pouch
which doesn't take the top spot because -- not only is it alarming and exceedingly unarousing -- I think it would also encourage various "cock" puns. And I really hate puns. As well as chicken beaks near tender nether regions.

No, my favorite item is this, the Elegance Moments Leather Kilt:

Not because I particularly love the kilt or anything (I'm not a vegan, but I don't see a leather studded kilt as being the best use of dead cow), but because of the look on the model's face. 

You have to imagine how his day has been going. He gets a call that Sears wants him for a catalogue shoot. It's kind of dorky, he thinks, but, hey, it's Sears, it's a good gig. In this photo, he has spent the day being photographed in various bondage gear and very revealing underpants, such as this Mesh Underwear with Chain Back.

Not only is it dawning on him that Mesh Underwear with Chain Back is about the most uncomfortable, not to mention highly impractical, underwear he's ever put on, but he's beginning to wonder if this so-called "Sears photo shoot" has anything thing to with Sears at all. In the mesh underwear shot, he's kind of doubtful about it all, but by the time they break out the leather kilt, his look does not say, "Hello, Sears Consumer, please purchase this handsome leather kilt!" but instead, "This had better be a fucking legit Sears shoot, motherfuckers."

Although, as astute readers will remember, this isn't the first time Sears has gotten all sexytime on us.  Recall, if you will, this 1918 Sears Roebuck catalogue entry for a "very useful and satisfactory for home service" portable vibrator.

Which, in modern day Sears parlance, translates loosely to "a machine you can 'f*ck.'" 

P.S. Upon re-looking at this ad, I noticed at the bottom it says "Not necessary to buy a complete vibrator if you have the Home Motor." What is this Home Motor? Vibrators are glorious and all, but would you really want to stick your wang on some chug-chuging, smoke-spewing 1918 motor?


Anonymous said...

Very funny blog you have here... I couldn't work out if it was ok for me to look or not.

Unknown said...

Working at Leg Avenue is one thing... what if you lived on Leg Avenue?

The Bun said...

If you found these at their website, I'm pretty sure they're not at all sold by Sears (sorry to spoil it, but that's what I do). Sears lately has been attempting to make their website the new Amazon, and act as a host for a number of online-only retailers, including a lot of tacky shit. They don't really have anything to do with Sears other than being searchable through
This makes it far more difficult, but funnier, to search for anything at Sears or KMart online.

Jill Hamilton said...

Dicky, of course you are welcome! I don't require my readers to become married and/or women in order to visit., yes, they must suffer a similar fate as those who live on Hiscock, a real street in Ann Arbor, Mich.
And the Bun, far from ruining things you have someone bolstered by sense of order in the world. Although, it is hard for me to believe that this helpful advice that appears at the bottom of the Intimate Apparel page isn't 100% Sears. Writes some helpful soul at Sears:
"Some lingerie is designed to stay cool and comfortable for a day at the gym; other sets offer support and control for a day at the office. But some exotic apparel is strictly for special occasions. These delicate, revealing intimates don't go under clothing; they're meant to spice up an evening in, not to fulfill a merely functional purpose. Even the most revealing babydoll of mesh and lace can still be figure-flattering, though; Sears' selection of intimate exotic apparel suits any body type."
So, listen and learn. Do not wear the loin cloth if you want support and control, etc...

Vapid Vixen said...

Those stockings are just plain wretched. Why would I want the one part of my body that looks like a cottage cheese factory workers dream, hanging out in utter disgrace?

Random Girl said...

Didn't they have a campaign recently about "come see the softer side of Sears"?? Was that code for soft-core side?? Curious indeed....

Kate W said...

Your whole blog had me grinning from ear to ear. I shall be watching out for the tights on my future club visits! I just adore the leather kilt and as for the thong....I can see my co-author wrapped in that get up! I will have to share this with him.

Jill Hamilton said...

Vapid Vixen, I am unable to say why it brings me such pleasure to imagine your horror at baring your bottom in the wretched stockings. ps your bottom is smokin' hot.
RandomGirl, I think you are on to something. I'm pretty sure that Sears is sending us secret messages in code. I will await my further instructions.
KateW, thanks! and you will definitely have to report back on co-author's reaction to your kilt suggestion.
Betty, maybe I will start blaming everything on "the whores at Sears." it sounds so delightfully hateful when you put it that way.

Vesta Vayne said...

This is all kinds of wonderful. At first I thought you must be kidding, surely, because Sears is where grandma shops, or where you go to buy a lawnmower. But hells bells - now it's your one stop shop!
Good to know I no longer have to venture to Hollywood Blvd to get my hooka' get ups.

jenerosity said...

SEARS!!?? F*ck Me!

So of course I followed the link (not that I didn't believe you). Love the other recommendations at the bottom, the first being TIDE detergent! lmao Cuz you know you'll be washing the sheets after donning these outfits! And then of course the uber-sexy support bras and granny girdles followed right after that. Love it!

Jill Hamilton said...

Ah VestaVayne, no one should suffer unduly trying to get their hooka' getups. Glad to add some convenience to your life.
jenerosity--Ha! I was disturbed/amused/unsure as to my emotions as to getting GIGANTIC granny panties for my recommendation. White. 3 pack. Like those Sears was saying, "Oh, you can look at the leather loin cloth, but maybe YOU should just get these nice tall underpants, economically packaged."

Jill Hamilton said...

Also, wanted to pass along some comments that came in via private email, facebook, etc...

The In Bed With Married Women Minister of Science wrote:
I so wonder if when you order the "would you like to add the extended warranty package?" message comes up. (Lots of puns in there if you were interested in them, but I now know you aren't, so I won't include the wink emoticon).

And CS discovered this:
And I can't believe you didn't mention the leather hood

Jen said...

I'm a little speechless and also a little turned on. Mr. Elegant Leather Man is not what I was expecting from Sears, the place I go to buy my kitchen appliances and license plate tabs. Maybe the Mayans were right after all about this whole 2012 thing?