Friday, April 29, 2011

New Contest: Win some smutty reading!

A few months back I asked the good citizens of the In Bed With Married Women Facebook page* what they'd like to see as a contest prize. The resounding answer was, surprisingly not what I usually offer, that is, "giant blue vibrators with vaguely frightening prongs," but "sexy books."

Oh, I won't judge because I too am a fan of the smut (See also: In Praise of Smut, if you don't believe me.). I think a little smutty reading puts you in a more sexual/sensual frame of mind which makes life a hell of a lot better.

Thus, as part of my unceasing efforts to make life a hell of a lot better for you, gentle reader, this week's prize is Playing With Fire, a book of sexy stories from cool, SF-based sex shop, Good Vibrations.  I haven't actually read it, but here's the blurb, complete with its embarrassingly excessive scorching! fire! heat! imagery.
This scorching collection of torrid tales will leave you burning with desire. Incendiary short stories tackle taboos and set boundaries ablaze, allowing couples to act out their most fiery fantasies. Alyson Tyler gets burned in “Some Like It Hot,” while Thomas Roche’s “Hot Off the Presses” follows a reporter infected with rock ‘n’ roll fever. Playing With Fire will ignite your imagination, fuel your fervor, and inspire you to have some smokin’ hot sex!
To enter, list your favorite sexy book in the comments below. I'll choose a winner by random drawing on Tuesday. And if you don't feel like waiting around 'til damn Tuesday to left "burning with desire," you are more than welcome to order the book yourself.**

* For more on my love/hate relationship with the IBWMW Facebook page, plus some truly awesome (deliberately) bad smut written by the lovely Katsidhe see The Language of Seduction, Plus Guest Smut from Tapetum Lucidum.)

**Disclaimer: a portion of your Good Vibes purchases made through this blog goes to my Lexapro paying-the-electric-bill fund. (A note to the shy: Don't worry, I don't see who is ordering or what people order or anything like that. So stock up on anal plugs, dungeon master DVDs and sexy nurse costumes--I'll be none the wiser. Unless you want to tell me. Which is also fine. I think. Unless it is too weird. Then it would probably creep me out.)

P.S. A few people have told me that the comments are acting weird. You can also enter by emailing me.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Lost and Found List From Furry Weekend Atlanta 2010.

The 2010 Furry Weekend was held at the Hilton in Atlanta. (Much to the surprise, I imagine, of the guests who just happened to book a stay there that weekend). There was a full schedule of activities including classes on fursuit construction, a panel on "Why Anthromorphics?" and, oddly, "DJing 101." There were also sessions of the card game Furoticon, which combines D&D with furry fandom, thus making it the nerdiest game of all time. 

Now, I am down with whatever people want to do sexually.  It's all good, really.  And I'm not trying to judge, even thought one could argue that I totally am judging. But I love exploring fetishes that seem super foreign to me.
 
This particular fetish is fascinating to me because I so don't get it. Fursuits, to me, are the antithesis of sexy. I mean, the big, goofy cartoon heads, the googley eyes--and surely those suits must smell horrendous. But again that's just me. If the idea of wearing a sexy squirrel costume makes you hot, go to it, man.

And, by the way, if you happened to be at Furry Weekend Atlanta and left something behind, please check this (actual) list from the Lost and Found which includes:
--one white cat tail
--a fursuit eye
--a hacky sack
--a rat
--matted fur
--a bag of knobs

Meanwhile, I will remain fixated on the perplexing questions this list brings up, including:  WTF?...a bag of knobs? Exactly how minuscule is the sub-culture of furries who also play hacky sack? How much matted fur was there to qualify as a "lost and found item" rather than "something to sweep up"?

xoxo
jill

note: revised in 2016 in attempt to not write such heteronormative CIS BS.  Perhaps successfully, perhaps not.

Friday, April 22, 2011

How To Behave in the Presence of a Female Condom

My favorite question of the day comes from Anonymous, in response to Female Condom, Where Art Thou?
"At 58, I have never seen one female condom and I'm not sure what I would do if I did. Should a gentleman just lay back and let the lady take the lead? Or maybe offer to help with it???"
Well, gentle reader, I appreciate your desire to be polite when faced with an unscheduled female condom sighting.

According to this informative animated video I just watched on your behalf, How To Insert the Female Condom, both are considered correct etiquette. The woman can put the thing in ahead of time OR the gentleman can assist with insertion. Which would be great, if either option seemed in the least bit appealing. Let's assess:

Option #1:  If the man offers to assist, well, it's kind of a complex procedure. There are the mysteries of an inner ring and outer ring to unravel and the necessity of locating the cervix. Not to mention of question of whether you are the one who is supposed to shove it up there, or if you just offer moral support to your lady, referring as needed to the handy clip-n-save chart at left.  ("I am going to fuck you so hard. But first, according to Figure 3, you need to squeeze the inner ring between your index finger and thumb and insert it in your vagina, making sure it is resting against the cervix.")

Option #2:  Alternately, the women can insert it beforehand so it's already there "for foreplay." Or so suggests the video, which was filmed in an alternate universe in which a rubber ring dangling out of the vag is a sexy and desirable part of foreplay. "Do you like it when I stroke your outer ring?"  

And there is the added indignity of having to make an entrance while donning the device. Is it even remotely possible to feel seductive with this thing hanging out of your nether regions, flapping in the breeze like some sort of vaginal wind sock, and making its trademark Pampers-like "rustling" sound with each step? Thwick, thwick, thwick.

Option #3?: I guess a third option would be to insert it in front of the man when the time comes. But I'm not sure that even the combined forces of mood lighting, sexy music and seductive movements could make these insertion moves look alluring.


But, to be fair, let's experiment:

Okay, put the lights down low, relax and put on some sexy music, while gazing at the above picture.....

Take a good breath and get comfortable. Trail a fingertip lightly along your jawline, then slowly down your neck and work your way lazily across and down your chest....

Is it working for you? No, not even the squatting picture? That's not making you hot?

Okay, then. I am officially flummoxed. Does any one else have some female condom wisdom/advice/haiku to share with dear Anonymous?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Do These Pants Make My Vagina Look Fat?

What? You can see my nipples
through this shirt? Well, I'll just
have to do something about that.
Right after I drink this delicious
Taster's Choice Instant Coffee®.
I don't know quite how to bring this up, but your genitals, well, they look fine. Your boobs too. I would hope everyone knows this, but I am beginning to wonder.

Consider the evidence:
--The ubiquitous gigantic foam boob-shaped bras* to be placed over one's own inadequate orbs (note: all boob sizes are deemed inadequate by bra manufacturers).
--The absurd amount of bra technological know-how devoted to designing thick, excessive "coverage" (that is, padding) for all new bras, lest anyone see any scandalous evidence of nipple-having.
--The very existence of the Smooth Grove, a heinous sanitary pad-looking piece of "medical grade polymer" used to prevent--and, gentle reader, please know that I absolutely despise this word and am using it here only because no other word will suffice--camel toe. (Handy hint!: try pants that do not ram themselves up your crotch...)
--Various and sundry other pants-stuffing items. Reported Anonymous:
"I saw these things designed to be put down the front of a guy's underpants.  They're sort of like bas-relief foam sculptures of a large, non-erect penis and balls, and I guess if you're walking around with very tight pants, they give the illusion of having a thick, meaty wang." 
Okay, excepting lesbians who pack for reasons of their own, if you don't actually have "a thick, meaty wang," why are you trying to attract someone with the very thing you don't possess? (Not to mention the mind-boggling etiquette issues regarding the hows and whens of fake wiener removal.)

Whatever. I'm judging. Maybe I should just accept all the fakery. I'll just buy plenty of nipple-hiding bras and be done with it.  Because, wait, wha...?



Seriously? So nipples, now bad, were once...good? And not just good, but an important part of "that sensual no-bra-look"? (The ad makes no mention of what happens if your real nipples dare to make an appearance. A nipple truism: although two nipples are sexy, four nipples, oddly, are not twice as sexy.)

Okay, this is all giving me a plan. As we've learned today:
1. sexual trends go in cycles (nipples/no nipples)
2. bigger is better ("thick, meaty wang")

So this is what we do: we manufacture foam prosthetic camel toes to be worn inside the pants. And I'm not talking just any camel toes, I'm talking HUGE ones. (Remember, bigger is better...) I'm talking big-ass camel toes that will make folks stop and stare. "Look at the camel toe on her! That chick must have one giant vagina. Oh, hell, yeah!"

I'm pretty sure it's the perfect plan. Are you with me?

OR maybe we could just accept that we are all as hot as fucking hell. You, unadorned, are incredibly sexy.  The curve of your thigh, the rise of your nipple, the jut of your lover lip, the way that part of your body swells when you're aroused--these things, these real things are what is sexy. Not some stupid mass-marketed unbreathable foam approximation in the (currently fashionable) shape of a sexual part.

Now, I'm not saying not to throw on a little lipstick or do a sit up or two. I mean, everyone wants to look decent. But, for fuck's sake, don't go around wearing a foam penis. Yes, they're all forms of enhancement, but you need to draw the line somewhere--preferably way way before you're sticking foam down your pants. Believe me, your genitals look fine. As they are.

So, yes, you're hot. To an absurd degree. Go forth and enchant.


For further reading on things of a boobic nature:
--An excellent article on nipple fear: The Tyranny of the T-Shirt Bra in The Hairpin.
--An IBWMW post on changes in boob styles (plus a photo of a truly awesome set of bullet boobs): Major Boobage
--*A post on fake superboobs in Overthinking the Magic Bra

(image source:  http://lacontessa.tumblr.com/archive)
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