Thursday, May 5, 2011

Guest Post: "That Doesn't Turn Me On" by The Housewife Blogger

Since we're already talking about bad sex moves (that would be you, unexplained thwacking on the butt with a penis), I unearthed today's guest post, That Doesn't Turn Me On, courtesy of The Housewife Blogger. So, without further ado, The Housewife:

The Husband and I have been together for the better part of a decade.  Yet, sometimes, he seems to revert back to teenager mode, and do stupid things.  I want to ask him what he's thinking when he does some of these things.  For instance...
  • My tits are not balls of dough.  There should be no hard kneading involved; especially after I ovulate because they are the most sensitive things in the world after that.  The jiggle that happens when I walk down the stairs is enough to hurt them, so please, no kneading.
  • Saying stupid things like, "You kind of need to trim things up a bit".  Shut.  Up.  There needs to be 4-6 weeks in between waxing appointments, and I can't trim it super short or else the wax can't hold on to the hair as well.  Deal with it, in a few days, it will be smooth again.
  • Pretending like you're giving me a back rub, then migrating to either my boobs or cooter.  Do it right!  When I say my shoulders are tight, I don't mean my boobs.  When I say my lower back hurts, that doesn't mean my cooter.  If you give me a proper back rub, then I'll consider your advances.
  • When you try to have sex with me when I'm sick.  I know I stay sick forever when I get a cold, but when my nose is stuffy, I don't want to be stuffed.  That's just how it is.
I think I'll turn this into a Powerpoint presentation for The Husband.

Thank you, Housewife. See more of her posts here.

BTW, after I ran the bad sex moves contest, several people asked me what bad sex move I'd experienced. Okay, here goes: I once (briefly!) dated a guy who exclaimed "Hoo Boy!" during sex.

Yes, I know. One should be free and uninhibited during sex and all that. But if lack of inhibitions leads to "Hoo Boy"-yelling, it's time for self-protective inhibitions to kick in.

But that's just according to me. As I learned after being reprimanded by an angry furry, one person's Sexy Tiger Lover is another's weirdo-in-a-sweaty-ass-tiger-costume-with-alarmingly-situated-groinal-flaps.

Who knows, maybe the person who's with Mr. Hoo Boy today is at her desk this very second, reliving the feverish night before when her man shouted "Hoo Boy!" during the throes, and shivering with a secret thrill of delight. "Hoo...boy," she whispers to herself, dreamily twisting a loose strand of hair around her finger.

So, gentle reader, I wish for you sweet dreams of whatever it is that does it for you, whether it be fevered kisses in the night, furry tiger penises or, hell, reruns of What's Happening!! Though maybe not a combination of all three. Unless it's that one where Rerun does that cool dance.


The Zany Housewife said...

Love, love, love the Housewife. So damn funny. And so true.

Unknown said...

Why DO men think you'd want to have sex when you're sick?? I've never understood that one. The only thing I want sliding down my throat when I'm sick is a generous dose of Nyquil.

Anonymous said...

The Mars/Venus problem here is that most men don't need to be "turned on." They turn on automatically.

A lot of women get frustrated when guys equate sex and food, but to us, they really are quite similar. Horniness comes on naturally, like hunger. And also like hunger, it's an urgent need that we don't like putting off until later. We don't need to be inspired into it. We don't need you to talk dirty about steaks and pasta, or dress up a hamburger in a sexy bun, or sprinkle cake crumbs around the kitchen in an appetizing pattern. When our stomachs rumble, we want to eat. When our dicks get hard, we want to fool around.

For us, romance and foreplay aren't about "warming up," or "setting the mood." We're good to go already, so all that great fancy-romancey stuff is part of the main event.

Anonymous said...

My Sweet Babou used to want to do it early in the morning when he first woke up. I told him the muffin shop does not open without at least one cup of caffeine and even then it will not be serving until after I've brushed my teeth.

Anonymous said...

If you don't want sex, don't accept a backrub. Backrub = sex. Just the way it is.

Vapid Vixen said...

"dreamily twisting a loose strand of hair around her finger."
Great, now I'll have to make a concious effort to quit the hair twisting lest I be mistaken for sleeping with someone who uses "Hoo Boy?" while humping the love rug.

ValVan said...

Funny you should mention, uh, trimming. My wife prefers that I do that for her because I can get a better view than she does (even with a mirror) and I have those kind of fine motor skills she finds invaluable for things like trimming the cats' nails.

And I don't understand any guy who doesn't know how to play the "long game" with regards to back and foot massages.

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Ugh where do I even start?
I can't say I've ever had sex that was just atrocious all around, but I have been slapped by a dick (so tempted to slap it back), I've received vacuum-like head, I've received a fart in the face while giving head, I've had my nipples rubbed raw, I've gotten hickies on my lips. One time, I actually got super turned on while fooling around with an ex and who then proceeded to finish before any clothes were even taken off...

I feel like I need to hook up with an older man who knows what he's doing... Oh wait, I found one and he's a virgin. Hmmm.
At least I can teach him what not to do.

Haha apparently my comments are just so trashy they get marked as spam.

katsidhe said...

The fact that men still want to have sex with us while we're sick is baffling. I look as awful as I feel and am liable to get YOU sick, so I think that jerking off would be the wiser option.

Enid Wilson said...

LOL, excellent post! Turn it into handy posters so women can stick them around the house to remind the husbands.

Chemical Fusion

Anonymous said...

As a man who still wants to have sex with his partner when she is sick, I will suggest a reason that "we" (men) might think such a thing: when we are sick, we still want sex. For some of us, anyway, we have to be pretty darn sick before we don't want to have sex. Male libido (in general) seems to be harder to kill than female libido (in general).