Monday, June 15, 2015

7 Things I Learned at Homemade-Sex-Toys

Homemade Sex Toys is a site for people who like DIY projects. But what sets these folks apart from regular old Squaresville do-it-yourself-ers is that, instead of thinking, "Can I fix the broken breadmaker?" they think, "Can I have sex with the broken breadmaker?"

Now, I am utterly arts and crafts deficient, so I have a healthy fear having sex with anything I made. And near as I can tell, none of my 6th grade-era macramed plant hangers or bicentennial rug hook projects seem the least bit fuckable.

Still, I admire a can-do attitude, so I wandered around the site awhile instead of doing any number of more productive things. The site wasn't nearly as entertaining as I'd hoped, but I did learn a few things. To wit:

1.  People of both genders can have sexual relations with a cucumber. (New slogan for Association of Cucumber Growers? Send memo.) I think we all know what women can do with a particularly sexy cucumber, but men, if so inclined, can hollow out the insides of a cuke (not one of those long skinny kinds) then make sweet sweet love to it. Important: Do not fall in love with your cucumber because this is a relationship that must remain brief (see also: composting).

2.  Men can also have sex with a whole host of household objects including a heated melon, balloons, a doctored-up toilet paper roll and a bean bag chair. (Note to self: avoid bean bag chair). Women can have sex with a blanket, a cell phone (There is indeed an app for that), and a toothbrush.

3. To my surprise, there's a whole section on fucking toothbrushes. When I got to the heading labeled simply, "Toothbrush in ass," I had to click away because I was too busy running to get my toothbrush--No! NOT to put "in ass"!--but to grab it to make sure it never leaves my side. I am going to insist that my toothbrush take an immediate vow of chastity.

4. The holes on blow-up sex toys are sealed with pull tab-like bits of plastic "for hygienic and safety reasons." (Warning: removed tabs may alert the blow-up doll's strict parents that you two did more than just "hang out at the mall.")

5.  You can make your own solar powered vibrator. I like solar power and *mumbling a bit here* yes, fine, I like vibrators, but when it got to talk of "soldering" and diagrams like this...

...I knew I'd rather just pony up the cash and get a vibrator made by vibrator-making professional. Besides part of the whole "solar" thing is that it uses the sun, meaning, you'd be gettin' down with your jimmy-rigged, questionably-soldered solar vibe out in the damn yard.

6. There are people who enjoy inserting a banana into their loved one's personal sexual orifice, then eating said banana.  I am not one of those people. Again, I like bananas, I like my loved ones, and yet...

7.  And finally, and perhaps most importantly, this information: "Jerking off with Icy Hot or Ben Gay will put you in a world of hurt." Which--although I now strangely intrigued by the idea--I will probably just take their word on.


(photo by Dennis Hopper.  Image source:


Rebecccccca said...

Oh my how informative. =)

katsidhe said...

If you want to get a really in depth education on the things that people put in their ass, have a go at working in an ER. You wouldn't believe the things we've pulled out of people's asses. <---how many times have you ever heard that sentence, yeah? =P

Brandi said...

I now know how to make a flesh lite out of a pringles can...My life is complete.

Where do people come up with this??? It definitely creative though.

Cindy said...

I just wanted to say that I found your blog because I thought your comment on Dan Savage's latest article was hilarious. I am so glad I found you because your post on female hysteria literally had me laughing out loud on my computer and I had to read it aloud to my boyfriend too (: Thank you, I'm a follower!

The Barreness said...

It has to be said that I LOVE the way you write.

It also has to be said that my vegetable drawer is for veggies and my vagina is for Spaniards.

Anything else just leads to confusion and a whole new outlook on healthy eating.


- B x

D. Duplessis said...

Excellent article and site, I'm so happy to have stumbled into your "bed" as it were.

I must say though that, even after all these years, I think my good old reliable left hand is still sexier than a cucumber or any other piece of fruit or veg. :-)

Harleyq said...

I wasn't sure this kind of content would ever cross anyone's desk, let alone someone's blog. One of my girl-friends was an exotic dancer and she used to use pop-sickles as a part of her performance. And yes, she would offer the savory delight to the luckiest guy in the room and yes I would laugh like crazy every time. Personally, I think I will stick to less exciting venues for my stimulation though...

Thanks for the "heads" up!

Enid Wilson said...

Adult shops will ban your article! You've so many innovative ways...

pattypunker said...

oh my i misread fetching cucumber as felching cucumber, fortunately i was still very intrigued.

Anonymous said...

Re: item #2:
There is an old Turkish proverb: "A woman for duty, A boy for pleasure, But a melon for ecstasy."

Jill Hamilton said...

Ah yes, Anonymous, and so good apparently is heated melon love that it is beyond categorization.
Pattypunker-- I am ashamed to say that I had to look up the word "felching" and, thanks to you, now know this: Felching is a sexual practice involving the act of sucking semen out of the vagina or anus of one's partner after sex.
Enid--we can only hope. i could use the publicity.
Harleyq--to each his own, i guess. i like to keep my food out of vaginas as a general rule, but that's just me.
D--thanks. and a lovely tribute to your faithful left hand as well.
B--Back at you.
Cindy--thanks girl, you made my dad. ps i heart dan savage so hard.
Tony--that's why all the cucumbers love you--you know how to treat them right! i think they like sunshine, water and soil, which means cheap date.
Brandi--the edge on the pringles can kind of scares me. isn't it a wee bit sharp?
Kat--you totally have to tell us the thinks pulled out of asses now! don't toy with us!
And Rebeccccca--informative yes, too informative? well that remains to be seen now, doesn't it?

Can't keep anything to myself said...

Haha. I forgot how funny this one was.

Apparently Trojan also thought Ben Gay/Icy Hot + sex = great idea. Fire and Ice condoms anyone?
I actually thought these seemed like fun. Especially after the super cheesy commercials. "Burning and freezing sensations in my vagina?! Sign me up!" I was reluctant after reading reviews from people who said they were too fiery and too icy, but my curiosity got the better of me. And faith in the toughness of my vagina. (What can't she do?!)
Lo and behold, my vagina is in fact too tough (and by tough I mean insensitive, NOT tough like beef jerky is tough). I didn't feel a thing. My partner on the other hand had to run to the bathroom to wash his fiery-icy genitals in the sink.
I felt kind of bad.
And yet, I'm still kind of jealous I didn't get to feel ANYTHING.

Cagey-C said...

I discovered the badness of the Ben Gay idea in an entirely nonsexual milieu: running a marathon. God bless the volunteers who make those races possible, distributing water, energy drinks, energy gels, and--in the Manayunk section of Philadelphia--beer. At some races, there are also volunteers who offer runners smears of Vaseline (for chafing thighs and nipples) or Ben Gay (for pained muscles). A few years ago, I was about 13 miles into a race and had tweaked a groin muscle. I came upon a bank of glove-clad volunteers offering said ointments, and took a healthy slather of Ben Gay. Slipped my hand carefully up under my shorts to address the painful area. Bad move. Apparently, Ben Gay doesn't stay still when applied to sweaty, mobile legs. It very quickly migrated up to Mr. Suddenly-Very-Unhappy, and I spent the next mile and a half begging, out loud, 'Oh God make it stop! Oh God make it stop!'

caitlingrace said...

"felching"I think I just threw up in my mouth a little!

MI but still made me laugh at the things people will do to have a little fun.

~MsKriss~ said...

You're funny : )

If you put a bananna in the microwave, wouldn't it brown and turn mushy? Then why would anyone do that to someone they love ( well, maybe ) and then eat it ( ? )

Anonymous said...

One of your best ever posts!

in bed with married women said...

Thanks Anonymous! Pulled it out of the "2012 posts" blog purgatory. Still not doin' it w/ my toothbrush though. #uptight