Tuesday, July 7, 2015

What I Do When I Leave You

Hey gorgeous,

Even though I've been away hustling words to afford enough Lexapro so I don't harm myself or others, I'm still thinking about you. All the damn time.

Let's just get to it then...

Disembodied Labia

I was working on a story about sex toy accessories* and came upon something that wasn't technically an accessory, but I had to tell someone (you!). I'd already seen a dick casting kit that you use to make a vibrating dildo out of your favorite penis (oh yeah) but what struck me was the ad for the Clone-A-Pussy Molding Kit.

Clone-A-Pussy seemed good for equal opportunity reasons (ERA Yes!) but apparently pussy-casting technology is not yet as advanced as for their dicky brethren. In fact, it kinda sucks. Mentions the site in not nearly bold enough font:

"Please Note: Your new pussy replica is a shallow likeness, without a hole, and not designed for ...ahem.... insertion."

So you can't even fuck it. It just sits there, like a homeless dried peach, but even less functional. Perhaps sensing the complete uselessness of such a product, the site offers this weak plan:

"Use the mold over and over again and create your own treasured collection of life-like vaginas."

(Warning: displaying "treasured collection" of disembodied labia pretty much insures you will never get in anyone's panties ever again.)

In quite related news, Clone-a-Pussy is now on clearance.

Disembodied Labia, Part 2:

Speaking of disembodied labia, as one does, I found this unsettling photo of the RealDoll labia repair kit.  I both love and hate how the labia is just sittin' there all unsexy and out-of-context, next to the tongue depressors and glue. It also makes me a bit cringey, maybe how like men feel when they see another man being kicked in the balls.

I showed this pic to my husband, because I cruelly enjoy making him uncomfortable, and he said "I kind of don't want to know why you might need that." Which is a pretty reasonable point.

My Cheatin' Heart
Here's some stuff you might like that wrote for other people (don't worry, they mean nothing to me and I was thinking about you the whole time.)
--An AlterNet story on the delightful dick pic judging site Critique My Dick Pic.
--A Cosmo piece I wrote on how to give a corkscrew blowjob, including the word "fucking," a possible suggestion to stick a sparkler up your bum and/or suck off household vegetables and a random Rankin-Bass reference is now running in friggin.....Redbook magazine. Yes, 70s mom mag, Redbook. I no longer understand the world.
  
Need You So Bad
I am working on a piece about the best porn sites "for women" and wondering what you'd recommend. I'm not entirely sure what constitutes a womanly site, but I guess to me it's something where--if there is a woman, or women, involved--they are doing things an actual woman with normal sexual responses would do, or at least would want to do. Where would you send me? (And don't tell me about that book Porn For Women where men are vacuuming, unloading the dishwasher, etc... cause that it's not actually that funny--or sexually arousing either. There's a big difference between "sexy" and just "nice things to do.")

~~~~~~~~~
Okay, lovey, I'm gonna leave you here for a bit, but here's a new bowl of water and a nice fresh leaf.  And don't forget to tell me about your girl-friendly porn!

xoxo
jill

*Hey, reader who bought Taming My Teddy Bear--An Erotic Story (Plushie Fetish Book 1) via the IBWMW Amazon link in the right margin (thanks!), you may enjoy the part about Jumbo Wolf with a SPH. 

14 comments:

Tricia Lorntson said...

A homeless dried peach.

God, I love you!

Spiffy McBang said...

Re: Porn for women: I would just point everyone to wherever Tristan Taormino is and call it a day.

Anonymous said...

I have always read that the best porn for women are Mens' gay sex sites. I DO NOT pretend to understand women (or even my wife) but this is what I read. I guess if I were female I would prefer muscular tanned guys with big dicks to the usual simi-valley porn stars.
Also, on the topic of porn,(full disclosure this comes from my old friend Bob who is a late-in-life divorce survivor) He preferred Lesbian sex sites/DVD's even though good ol' Bob is straight.
sb

HarleeQ said...

I like juicypinkbox.com but I'm bisexual, married to a woman, so others' MMV.

in bed with married women said...

Trica, it is so fucking mutual xoxo
Spiffy, that's genius. didn't know who it was and thought it might be some hot dude, but this is even better. maybe.
Anonymous, I totally agree with that. thanks for reminding me!
HarleeQ, So good to hear from you again! will check it out. also wtf MMV means. #old

Unknown said...

This straight male also finds lesbian porn to be the most arousing. Women seem more affectionate and connected to their partners. More and better kissing and caressing with non-violent intesity.

Unknown said...

This straight male also finds lesbian porn to be the most arousing. Women seem more affectionate and connected to their partners. More and better kissing and caressing with non-violent intesity.

Unknown said...

This straight male also finds lesbian porn to be the most arousing. Women seem more affectionate and connected to their partners. More and better kissing and caressing with non-violent intesity.

Spiffy McBang said...

MMV is more frequently YMMV- your mileage may vary.

in bed with married women said...

Unknown to the third, that's what's good about the gay men porn too! odd.

Spiffy, thanks that's what I was going w/ after ruling out McMinnville Municipal Airport which, apparently, is in Tennessee.

murca said...

Girly porn recomendations from almost a bit bisexual happily married girl: www.ifeelmyself.com The videos there are so intimate it almost creeps me out sometimes. Like I'm not sure if I really was invited to this strangers bedroom but here I am.

in bed with married women said...

murca! yes, i was gonna use that one already but i love love how how you put it. Yay!

ValdVin said...

I could not recommend enough the idea of trying something new on a banana first. I think it would help many folks get over the "looking at your feet dance lesson" stage.

And I am showing your Cosmo column on the technique, and the learning steps, to Spousal Unit ValdVin.

in bed with married women said...

ValdVin, and don't forget to call the banana, after.

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