In Bed With Married Women's Smutty Little Book Club

I am reading Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by the fabulous writer Mary Roach. Would you like to join me?  I first fell for Mary in her book Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, which, as the title strongly implies, is about dead bodies. I am not interested in dead bodies, particularly, but her book was so funny and fascinating it became an instant favorite (though not one I liked reading in public because of this: "What are you reading? Oh..." Awkward pause. Conversation ends abruptly.) In Stiff, she writes about how people in the olden days had a fierce terror of being buried alive (not that we modern folks are especially down with the practice) so to avoid such a fate, the dead were housed temporarily to make sure they were indeed dead. These rooms contained a system of strings linking the fingers of corpses to a bell, so if they were actually alive, they could twitch their finger to kindly alert the attendant to their state of aliveness. Write Roach: "Some had separate halls for male and female cadavers, as though, even in death, men couldn't be trusted to comport themselves respectably in the presence of a lady."

I just started Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, but already I am filled with new knowledge, some of which, quite frankly, I wish I didn't know.  In that category would be the fact that in parts of Africa, Haiti and Indonesia, moistness between a woman's legs is considered to be a turn-off. So to facilitate the "dry sex" their men want, the women use drying agents, including shredded newspaper, cotton, rock salt, detergent, bark and--ack!--dried animal poop. I don't want to be a cultural imperialist or anything, but Our Way = Good, Their Way = Bad.

But it's not all just gross facts about people shoving dry stuff up their wangs, there's tons of weird trivia (to wit: In modest Victorian times, doctors worked on women's private parts without looking) plus plenty of info that's relevant to you, dear In Bed reader.  For example, remember the elusive cervical orgasm mentioned in the post, Did You Know There Are Three Types of Female Orgasms? Well, you can stop cursing the gods over your C-spot inadequacy, because according to a study by Alfred Kinsey, 95 percent of women who were stroked on the cervix with a Q-Tip or metal probe couldn't even feel it. ("Hey baby, do you like it when I stroke your cervix with this metal probe?") In fact, the cervix is so insensitive that biopsies are often done without anesthesia.

But if you're still feeling gypped about your crummy insensitive cervix, read Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, why don't you? It's like the literary equivalent to a cervical orgasm, kind of, without the transcendent shimmering feeling, oneness with the universe and whatnot. So please join me, and we'll start a smutty little book club here.

Shhh--I Got A Playboy, Let's Look At It!

A stack of hidden Playboy magazines was as big a part of the standard-issue house of the 1960s and 70s as shag carpeting, jelly jars as drinking glasses, and a paperback copy of Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Dads of the era, who were clearly not gifted at hiding their stash of porn, inadvertently provided many of us with an afternoon activity--gathering the neighbor kids and looking at Playboys. (And did any dad ever choose a hiding place that was not under the bed or in the dresser drawer?)

I don't think I had a seen a Playboy since about 1977 when my friend and I were perusing her dad's, Mr. F's, collection. (Hiding place: under the bed.) So last week, when a reader generously provided me with a copy, I was eager for the illicit thrill of checking it out. I waited until the kids were in bed.  Then I waited further as they faked me out and kept creeping back out of their bedrooms, scaring the bejeezus out of me as I anxiously prepared to look at my forbidden reading materials.

The New Contest Is Here! The New Contest Is Here!

Your challenge? Answer the following question: What are the three types of female orgasms, according to a recent post? The first right answer gets their choice of one of the following products, courtesy of Good Vibrations, the girl-friendly sex toy company.

The Love Lips! Vibrator is shaped like a lipstick, so if it's discovered by others, you can pretend to be shocked--simply shocked!--by your defective, buzzing lipstick.

Or if you are well-stocked in vibrators and don't care who knows it, perhaps you would rather have Head's Up: The Official Guide to Fellatio.  The DVD is part of sex toy company Good Vibrations' Pleasure-Ed series of educational videos designed to foster better sex.  Says G.V.:

Smart, sexy, fun and permission-granting, the Pleasure-Ed Official Guides don’t just tell you how to have better sex, they show you. This ongoing series of sexual education films will help you find your own sexual style and enjoy it with confidence. Each Pleasure-Ed Official Guide features explicit demonstrations from professional performers and real-life couples to inspire your own sexual adventures and enhance your sex life.

Now, now.  Calm down. No one's implying you need the DVD due to your wretched blowing techniques, it just might be inspiring and kind of hot to get schooled on some new ideas.

Okay, then. Contest starts....right....now. (And if you're too shy to let the whole world know you want such prizes, you can also send your answer via e-mail.)

Did You Know There Are Three Types of Female Orgasms? Yes, Three

"I have a secret guilty pleasure of reading Playboy," writes a female reader from California. "The feminist in me screams, 'Wrong! This is wrong!' but I love the articles. I swear -- no pages stuck together in my copies!" This stealth girlie mag reader had sent a (non-sticky) Playboy link to alert me to the important and well-appreciated news of the woman with the world's strongest vag (see also: Another Personal Life Goal Dashed) but what I found even more fascinating was the article accompanying it.

In Kim Anami's The Multi-Orgasmic Woman, she explains the Taoist belief in three types of female orgasms, describes what they each are like and how to get there. If you're too lazy to click the link (and, girl, that is truly lazy), I'll break it down for you. The three types -- clitoral, G-spot and cervical -- are akin to a series of gates that need to be entered in progression for a women to enter "an ecstatic state of arousal." Ecstatic state of arousal sounded a lot more interesting than my back-up plan of laundry-folding, so this was something I wanted to learn more about.

If you or your woman has ever had an orgasm (and if not, put it on the to-do list--stat!) it was probably the clitoral. This is the easiest type to achieve, but also the more superficial.  Freud, maddeningly, was right, and there is a deeper (in both senses of the word) kind of vaginal orgasm that comes from stimulation of the G-spot.  The nerves on the clitoris (and here is the point where I will stop using the word "clitoris") are concentrated and external, while the pelvic nerves are deeper and more spread out, creating "a more generalized, deeper sensation," writes Anami.

The third type is the cervical orgasm, which is kind of like the Big Foot of orgasms, rumored and sometimes observed, but not verified by science. This is the deepest and most transcendent orgasm of them

A Little Sensory Exercise For Y'all

Sometimes my body seems like it's merely a transportation device designed to get me from one school function, sporting event, or whatever else boring-ass mom-ing around thing is on my calendar. This is not good, my friends, as the world is full of tactile sensations to behold and a body that is just propelling its owner on errands is a big ol' waste. Now I'm sure that you are fully in touch with your sensory side -- but I'm going to admit that sometimes I need to reminded how damn cool the sense of touch is.

Luckily, this is easy to do -- just be in your body and notice what's going on. Here, I'll even give you a starting point:

A friend of mine was on medication that dulled of his sense of touch. (A "possible side effect" courtesy of our corporate overlords at Big Pharma.) When he went off the medication, his sense of touch returned and he was struck anew with the wonder of it.  Even the experience of taking a shower, he said, was almost overwhelming with the sensations of it all.

The next time I took a shower, I pretended that my sense of touch had just returned and paid ultra-close attention to the tactile sensations of the shower -- the warmth of the water, the individual jets of water hitting me, the smooth soap gliding across my skin.  And oh...my...God.  I mean, we all know that showers are nice and all, but how often do we notice how completely fucking amazing they are? (And I don't think I need to point out how this close attention to sensory pleasures has a similar super-charging effect on sex.)

So my wish for you this Tuesday, dear reader, is a shower of your own that is completely fucking amazing.

Another Personal Life Goal Dashed

What are your eyes seeing here?  It's Tatiana Kozhevnikova, Guinness World's Record holder in the highly-coveted category of World's Strongest Vagina. The Russian woman, 42, lifted a nearly 31 pound glass ball with what she calls her "intimate muscles." In this photo of her proud day, she's all dressed up in her shiny gold outfit, as though she was concerned her vaginal skills wouldn't attract adequate attention. (Although what, really, is the proper attire for setting a vaginal world's record?)

Kozhevnikova has been practicing her skill for 15 years. "After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelieveably weak," she told Life.ru. "I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem by using wooden balls." As any of us would, Kozhevnikova took immediate action. "I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it into my vagina," she said. ("Hon, anyone seen my Murano glass ball lately?")

Kozhevikova, though prone to sticking household objects up her wang, is not a stupid woman, and has parlayed her particular talent into a business, IntimFitness, with classes, videos and books. The web site advertising her wares ("Training for shorts or ideal buttocks in 5 days") is quite charming because of the shaky translations from Russian to English. Here, for example, is an open letter from Tatiana to her potential customers. (With due acknowledgment that any letter I tried to write in Russian would be a billion times more mockable.):    

I wish you, dear women! Never strive to become like TV-stars or idols even in your mind! This is improper mistake! You shouldn't elevate them over yourself.  From great antiquity there is right precept: don't idolize anybody. Work at your body unceasingly and let lazy people who still hesitate whether they should correct their defects or not envy. --Tatyana Kozhevnikova

Tatiana herself will host training sessions for your group if you can come up with 100 people. It's certainly something to think about.  I mean, imagine what you could do with the superpower of vaginal strength. Besides scaring the living crap out of your sexual partner, you could carry an extra bag of groceries, store a back-up set of keys, keep a crossword puzzle handy, twirl the jump rope at recess...  As Tatiana reminds us: "Work at your body unceasingly and let lazy people who still hesitate whether they should correct their defects or not envy." Indeed.