Charles Marshall and his Impossibly Sexy Teddy Bear--New Twist in Their Epic Love Story

Um, can you just put down that I killed someone?

Here's late breaking news from my dear friend Tricia who--if she isn't careful--is venturing dangerously close to being named the IBWMW Minister of Phushophilia*: Charles Marshall Accussed of Having Sex With Teddy Bear For the Fourth Time.

Marshall, as shown in possibly the most embarrassing mug shot ever--was first arrested in 2010 for getting down with the bear in the men's restroom in a public library in Ohio. The judge in the case cruelly banned him from all Hamilton Country libraries.

After giving the matter much thought, Marshall apparently figured out the loophole in this punishment, choosing a teddy bear love nest that was....somewhere other than a Hamilton County library. His genius plan of wanking it in an alley was foiled when workers at a health clinic interrupted the hot bear sex spotted the offense.

So now poor Charles Marshall's mug shot is plastered all about, but I am wondering if the poor dude's getting a bad rap. After all, maybe the sex was consensual. Shouldn't a certain someone else be taking some of the blame?

I mean, Charles might not have been the only one who wanted this--and wanted it bad. Maybe, just maybe, little innocent dear Teddy is actually one hell of a fucking tease.

xoxox,
jill

*Love of stuffed animals. See also: I am going to fuck you so hard, Snuggle.

This is Kind of A Strange Question, But Does Your Teddy Bear Have A Boner?

There are two types of inventors -- the Steve Jobs type, coming up with brilliant, useful products replete with zen-like beauty and then there is...everyone else.

Like whoever the fuck invented this thing, shown there on the left.

This product, as near as I can tell, is called This Teddy Bear Hides Your Sex Toys in a Secret Pouch. Which I guess is a good enough name since that's exactly what it is.

This poor Teddy is upsetting to me because I picture the dude who invented it (Yes, I know it's sexist, but in my mind, this inventor's a guy. And don't be trying to change my mind. I'm pretty firm on this one). Anyway I think of him coming home and telling his wife, "Baby, call your boss and quit your job at the cannery because right here, I've got our ticket out of this rat hole!" Then he proudly whips out the plans for This Teddy Bear Hides Your Sex Toys in a Secret Pouch.

The wife sighs quietly to herself. One gets the feeling that it's just the latest in a long line of sighs that have come with marrying this guy.

I mean, did he not think this through at all? There are so very many ways this is a bad idea.

--First and most importantly, a stuffed animal prominently displayed on the bed is not a guaranteed Mate Attracter. Many, I among them, would argue that it would be more accurately categorized as Mate Repellent.

--If you have kids and want to keep them away from something, a stuffed animal is most assuredly not your best bet. The vegetable drawer in the fridge might be a better choice, or hey, how 'bout trying the night stand drawer like everyone else in the world?

--Except for Plushies, bless those dear, dear stuffed animal fuckers (see also: I Am Going To Fuck You So Hard, Snuggle), stuffed animals and sex just don't go together. Can you imagine rolling about in bed with someone, they get a mischievous look in their eyes and say, "Would you like to try something new?" Then they seductively bring out... their Teddy Bear? No, no, no. And, btw, that sound you hear is genitals shriveling up and scurrying to find a safe place to hide under the bed.

--Pavlovian conditioning. You grab your Teddy Bear, you get out your toy, you have an orgasm. Repeat repeat repeat until, in your mind, Teddy Bear = orgasm. (see above, Plushies) 

--$39.99!  No way, mister, for that kind of money, I'll rip a sex toy hole in my own damn Teddy Bear.

--But main objection to the idea is, well, this:

Right.

xoxoxo

jill

P.S. I found this Back Boner-Having Teddy Bear at Shop In Private, a site featuring all manner of embarrassing products. Loved it as sort of an anthropological study about what sorts of things our society deems to be embarrassing. There were adult diapers, butt lifting lingerie, pubic wigs, lice shampoo, Journey cds, anal douches, back shavers, small sized condoms, cream to keep your balls smelling "fresh" and "The Big Boy Package Appearance Enhancer" (sold out).

Have a look, but be forewarned, when I was there, I inadvertently activated an informational video on the site, and some dude started talking about "coochie shaving cream" in a Really Loud Voice.