Tuesday, March 28, 2017

What People Have Down Their Pants

That's me.
Yes, I know the whole fucking world is going to hell in a hand basket, whatever that means, and what follows here today is just silliness, but my present coping mechanism of staring at my social media feeds, impotently pressing the mad face emoji is not really doing the trick today.*

Anyway there's lots to tell you. Walk with me, will you?

My Weird Job
--I was on the Cosmo Happy Hour podcast! Which would be more exciting if I could tell you how to listen! (Try iTunes or Play.It) It's the Who Invents Cosmo Sex Positions episode and--spoiler:  It's *sigh* me. I come in about the 8 minute mark and talk without pre-thinking anything for even one second, as is my way.

Things People Saw and Thought of Me:
 --Matthew saw this underwear with a built-in camel toe and quite reasonably, thought of me. Not because I am known for anything camel toe related (...yet. though I do get an oddly high amount of traffic from the search terms "Jill St. John camel toe") but because I am a little obsessed with the stuff people put down their pants.

I'm guessing they're probably for people in various stages of transitioning because beyond clearing up painful front wedgies due to 1970s time travel/wardrobe problems, it's hard to see the appeal here. Like any of these body "enhancement" deals, why would your try to attract someone with the very thing you lack? If some dude/lady is into big-ass vaginas**, they're going to be mighty disappointed when you disrobe and that camel toe of yours is lying next to you, still puffed up and ready to go. Do they then fuck you out of politeness or go straight for the panties they really wanted to fuck? Do you really want to know? 

In any case, there's also a camel toe blocker (because no matter what you have going down there, somebody is gonna tell you it's not right. See also Naomi Wolf's The Beauty Myth.) The blocker, of course, creates the opposite problem of the enhancer. Someone who is into you because of your unobtrusive little cooter will likely be shaken when you unleash your formerly-contained camel toe, and it expands like an air bag, possibly putting someone's eye out. 

If you're undecided, maybe just buy some pants that fit and see who comes your way.

--Anne sends the important news of crystals dildos designed to "quiet the mind in order to feel subtle energies, develop emotional intelligence, strengthen self-awareness, and accepting every aspect of who you are." It seems like an awful lot to ask of a dildo--guess that's why it costs $149. 91. Anne, who is from a foreign land signed off, "Hope your vagina is feeling magical" which is the way they sign off in her country, I think, but it did made to pause for a second to consider if my vagina was feeling magical. Answer: sorta? I think?
Things People Saw and Didn't Think of Me, But I Looked Anyway:
--My friend Janet saw Disney Dudes' Dicks: What Your Favorite Princes Look Like Naked and cruelly did not think of me. But I looked anyway, bc pervy, and beheld some waaay over-Imagineered cartoon prince nudity. I'm showing you to purge myself, in the same way that you tell someone when there's an annoying song playing over in your head. Take this:

 Gaston likes to take nude selfies. He has a small dick—very tiny—pube-less and uncut.

Which seems about right.  As for Prince Charming, I've never given it any thought, but if for some reason I were forced to speculate--which could totally happen--I would guess that Prince Charming is asexual down below and has just a smooth flap of skin, like Ken. But clearly I am wrong.

Prince Charming
Obviously, the perfect guy has the perfect dick: like eight or nine inches, thick—but not too thick otherwise it's painful—rock hard with a nice throbbing vein. He's groomed perfectly in a way that's considerate of lovers without being too gay porn-y about it. He's standing in front of the fireplace that Cinderella no longer has to rake, arm draped over the mantle.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and try to grow the fuck up. 

Contest coming!
Stay tuned. Have the prizes. Need to think of what I'm gonna make you do.


P.S. Tell me what's on your mind. I miss your ass.

*Don't worry. I'm still all about the #resist and will be back on my mad face emoji pressing duties soon enough
**I know. LABIA. Piss off.. 


Twilya said...


Charlotte said...

Testing! Testing!

Joshua said...

Is the goal really to "...feel subtle energies..." when you grab a dildo?

Jill Hamilton said...

Joshua--i would expect subtlety maybe from the cheaper knocokoff model that was only $9.95 and was a factory second with a chip in the side. Or maybe that would be more scrappey hurting energy.

DrAndrea said...

oh man. you make me laugh so much. thanks. needed that today. :)

caitlingrace said...

Gaston is just weird on too many levels to even begin to describe with his burly man chest and teeny, tiny head. Ok obviously not too many levels.Just weird.
I'm with Joshua "subtle energies" is definitely not what you want in your dildo having said that crystal dildos are awesome but maybe these guys need to work on their marketing.
apart from that excellent blog and, as usual, guaranteed to make me chortle. More please!

Jill Hamilton said...

Yay! Thanks for writing!

Jill Hamilton said...

Yeah hadn't given it much thought (or any) but the gaston seems bout right.

Anonymous said...

LOve the camel-toe panties.
RE:lies that are exposed once the two are in bed. People do apparently lie to get folks in bed.
This happened to me:..
I was calling on a Dr's office in my job and the Dr's receptionist began to flirt, big time..gives me her #.
Like a big horndog I call her later that day. yadda yadda yadda we are in bed soon after when she tells me:..she is married. sigh. There is much more to this but not here.
Also, wifey wants me to experiment with a sex toy for men (WTF?) I am flattered that after 40 years she even thinks about my intimate fulfillment, and so, per her direction, order the "tenga flip" ($80 + s&H)
Jill! tonight is the night. I will report after the fact. Oh wish me luck.

Manic Love Co. said...

Funny piece of writing. Loving the blog.

Katie said...

Kinda like that Gaston is rocking his tiny penis and still presenting like he's an all that and ready to give you a good time!
I could be being influenced unduly by the new Beauty and the Beast movie though ;)

Found your blog in the slog archive, think I only actually linked from a comment in 2012. So it was great to see your blog flourishing in 2017.

Kt x

in bed with married women said...

Manic Love, thank you!
Katie, I love that you were deep in there. I fucking love Dan Savage.