Saturday, January 10, 2015

The Pending Uncircumcised Penis Crisis, "It is Pee," and Other Reader Mail

Prepare for the Big Reveal
How to Behave in the Presence of a Uncut Gentleman.

Hey, you there, with the uncircumcised wang, we need you! Writes reader Definitely Anonymous:

 "I just realized I have a pending crisis on my hands. I may soon be sleeping with a new man who is uncircumcised.  It JUST NOW occurred to me, I have never had sex with a man who wasn't circumcised and I no idea how this might change things.  Is there anything specific I should do or shouldn't do?  Is oral any different?  How do I put a condom on that?  I can't believe after almost 30 years of sexual activity, I am up against something entirely novel. Help me!"

DA and the uncut dude are already talking about his dick, so they are getting close! Get that help in right away! (And maybe DA will explain to us how they arrived at the topic of his penis and the uncircumcisedness thereof.)

The Pee Mystery

"I read this article and remembered your post.  It is pee :(" writes Gentle Reader A. The post A refers to (which A actually located and linked to for me! Go A!) is How to Make a Woman Come, Even if You Are That Woman in which I somehow got on a female ejaculation tangent, as one does, writing "scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they ejaculate (it's 'not pee,' which just leaves...every non-pee substance.)"
Which would have been just as rigorously truish as everything else on this blog, 'cept A's article is titled: Study Concludes That Women Who Squirt During Sex Are Actually Peeing. Oops.

In the study, they gathered (only) 7 chicks who squirted copious amounts (like a cup's worth) when coming. Then commenced science-style sexytime with ultrasounds, "provoked sexual arousal" and "squirting events." Reads the article: "Urine sampled after squirting revealed that the bladder had been emptied again, revealing the origin of the squirted liquid."  Voila! 

What blows my mind about all this is not that we--yawn--still have only rudimentary knowledge of female sexual response, but that scientists apparently can't identify fucking pee?!  (Which, in this case, may actually be fucking pee.) Wouldn't you think pee-identification would be, like, high school chemistry set-level science?

Anyway, further investigation in Female Ejaculate Comes in Two Forms, Scientists Find revealed more insights:
--It took the women 25 to 60 minutes to get close to an orgasm via self-stimulation or masturbation with a partner. Since I don't think the women were trying to have some sort of savored, extended Tantric love thing, I conclude from this that "provoked sexual arousal" is about as arousing as it sounds. So yes, a hour spent dutifully trying to come while antsy researchers did...whatever it is you do when you really really want a woman to come, but don't want to make it obvious that you're just waiting for her to get it over with. I imagine some of you might be familiar with the experience.
--A cup really is a fuck of lot of liquid so maybe some of these more effusive women are peeing, while others are emitting (maybe not the right word, sounds like a ray gun something) what some researches consider "true" female ejaculation, a milky white liquid with some similarities to male ejaculate. Or...maybe it's just milk or Elmer's glue or the white stuff inside Cadbury Creme Eggs. Who knows, really? Clearly not scientists.
--In other words, "scientists still don't know what the fuck women are squirting when they ejaculate." I will, however, expand the possibilities from all "non-pee substances" to "could be anything."

"You in particular might like this"

Is what reader Will wrote, sending me a link to a "Why We Love Orgasm" infographic. However, I wasn't able to give it my full attention, as I became distracted considering the new ramifications (see above:  it might be pee!) of the accompanying article "4 Tricks for Making Her Squirt During Cunnilingus."

"Cascading Wizard Sleeve"
Leah's subject line for How Will You Keep Your Vagina Young in 2015?, a Jezebel article mocking a wretched Shape article trying to make you feel bad about a perfectly enjoyable body part. Go read it at once. Including the comments.

Sorry to the writers I didn't get to today (esp. Christina G., Matthew, and Gail).



cegluna said...

Here's was jumped out from that linked infographic:

"The record for most orgasms enjoyed by a woman in 1 hour: 134. The record for most ejaculations enjoyed by a man in 1 hour: 161"

Color me astounded! How did they even capture the data? Is it in the Guinness Book? lol

"3% of women are capable of ‘sense memory orgasms,’ meaning they can give themselves an orgasm just by thinking about it"

Now that certainly would be a pleasant ability to have! ;)

in bed with married women said...

cegluna, the whole sense memory orgasm thing seems especially notable since thinking seems sort of anti-conducive to orgasm. 3% seems pretty damn high too.

Jill Hamilton said...

Hey DA, I put your question up on the sexpositive reddit as well and got this response so far:

They (uncircumcised peni) grow bacteria faster, and, if left in the hands of someone unhygienic, can cause problems for any ladies and their bits. Sometimes there is an... odor. Sort of like dirty socks and genital funk left to mingle for several days. This can happen even if the penis in question has just been thoroughly scrubbed.

The head is exponentially more sensitive so watch for teeth/nails/piercings. That extra skin is like a second level of teasing - treat the foreskin like an uncircumcised penis, then repeat once moving the skin away from the head.

PantyPixie said...

Ugh, one more thing:

The foreskin also acts as a shield that protects the urethra and actually PREVENTS infection & irritation as it covers the hole of the penis.

And guess what ladies, when the man is aroused the foreskin pulls back and the head is exposed.

And to me its kind of weird that a circumcised penis always looks like that.

Its a shame this act of genital mutilation happens at such a young age when the child has no say as to what happens to his body.

Stop stigmatizing uncircumcised men!

in bed with married women said...

Panty Pixie,

i deleted your first comment on the blog bc I don't want people to be all yelled at just for asking questions. especially benign questions where someone is genuinely seeking to understand. I like to keep it a space where people feel comfortable and safe to talk about whatever without getting immediately judged/shouted at. I hope you understand why i did this.--jill

in bed with married women said...

DA, here's another reply that came in via the sexpositive reddit.

As an European, I really, really, REALLY can't believe the way American people still act about uncut penises. What's that about? They're penises. They aren't especially pretty anyway, most of the time. They work exactly the same way (and the only changes are in the way to carry hygiene, which is personal anyway).

Really, when they're aroused, they look the same. It took me TWO YEARS to notice my boyfriend was circumcised, I swear. And it was not for lack of looking at his penis, I just assumed he didn't have a lot of foreskin and, being aroused most of the times I actually LOOKED at it, it was pulled back.

So, yeah. Really, absolutely, no change at all. It might be a little weird to look at when he's not aroused - at least the reverse was, for me, when I first saw a soft circumcised penis -, but it lasts about 5 seconds. Then, just like any other penis, it's just "I shall call him Squishy and he shall be my Squishy".

Sir Thomas said...

Having recently imbibed in Christmas Drinks At The Y, although it was an unscientific sample of 1, I used much more sophisticated olfactory and gustatory detection, viz, the human tongue, and I can categorically declare that her "squirt" did not smell or taste like "pee".

in bed with married women said...

Sir Thomas, yeah, I was thinking that anyone who has an overeager puppy is pretty good at detecting pee/not pee differences.

Anonymous said...

In the realm of Personal Testimony, here: In part to determine whether what I was ejaculating was or was not pee, I made sure to empty my bladder, and my friend made it happen, and it was in sufficiently copious quantities and so soon following peeing that it could not have been pee. (We also asked the internet, and continued to experiment, of course.) I think it's certainly possible that some pee gets sqeezed out occasionally, but it's really not pee that's being ejaculated.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous, thanks for the Personal Testimony. Dig your spirit of scientific inquiry!

Anonymous said...

One of the fabulous things about sex with an engineer is the engineer's approach to things: Can I make that happen again? What happens if I do this? How about if I do that? How about this AND that? And so on.

Anonymous said...

Follow up from Definitely Anonymous:
Sorry this took so long. The relationship with U/C was sidelined before anything sexual happened. Sad, but we’re still friends and there’s hope there. Meanwhile, I met another U/C gentleman who did desire to acquaint me with his equipment and was not bothered at all by my curiosity. We had a discussion about it first. Then he demonstrated what was different about it {not that much really}. I got to orally feel my way around. He showed me how to put a condom on {different than I expected} and finally, the sex part. It didn’t feel any different to me, I assume, because of the condom. I would love to feel it without the protection but for now, that’s not an option; I’m a Safe-Sex-every-time kind of girl. I learned to be much gentler with it in my mouth as it is much more sensitive than the circumcised variety. I liked that there was no scar on the underside of the corona. It felt really smooth on the tongue. Someone had mentioned in the comments when I originally asked for advice that Americans make a big deal about U/C penises. Possibly, I don’t know. I just knew I had never seen one and “you don’t know what you don’t know.” I was also freaked out by a friend who wouldn’t divulge any details about his other than, “American women have no idea what to do with it.” When pressed, he wouldn’t elaborate which may have had something to do with his fiance sitting at the table next to him.
In conclusion, I liked it, it definitely was not worth worrying about, I hope to see others in the near future. Thanks for your assistance. Oh yeah, no funky smell did I notice. I have a really good nose too, so that wouldn't normally escape my detection.

Jill Hamilton said...

Anonymous, thank you so much for follow up! It was so weird. I posted your question on reddit at the time and some person got SO MAD. it was freaky. your question seemed so earnest and loving and i so didn't get their anger. They ended up flagging, like, everything I put on reddit and pretty much banned me from their. so upsetting and strange. anyway, i'm glad you are still exploring. i found a tumblr about an u/c ginger while working on a porn article. maybe you'll like it...?