Monday, April 28, 2014

Nosy-Ass Question for You About Making Out

Today's reader mail reminded me of the olden days of the blog when it was about married women and how the fuck they were dealing with the realities of married sex. Over the years (four!), it has become way less Studs Terkel-ish and sociological and more Onahole-ish, which, quite frankly, I have no excuse for.

Anyway, here's an earnest letter from "Janet," that reminds me of the blog of yore, née "In Thy Bede Withe Thee Married Wiffe."

Hi! I love your blog. I know this is somewhat tame, but as a person who has been with the same man for about 6 years, and has sex regularly, I wonder about making out. We haven't sat around and made out since about 4 months into our relationship. There is occasional kissing during sex, but really not much. And really, thinking about sitting on the couch and making out seems kind of gross to me now. Is that normal? Do people who have been married for 20 years make out with each other? Maybe you could take a poll. I keep wondering why we don't do that so much (couples in general) as we do when we first meet. Thanks!

Now, this is actually completely interesting to me because not so long ago two different women confided in me (note: don't confide in me) that although they were still somewhat into having sex with their long-time husbands (depending on vagaries of their moods, how pissed off they were, how interesting their book/show/other diversion was, etc...) they were super-not into kissing the husbands.  Like kissing seemed...yes...gross!

So what is that? Has anyone else has a similar experience?

I have a poorly-formed theory that it has to do with hormones--the basic idea being that before one's puberty hormones kick in, kissing seems disgusting and maybe there is sort of a return to that kissing=icky mode as one's hormones recede again with time. Anyone? Yes?

Whatever it is, it's a crying shame because there is nothing better than being kissed by someone who knows how to kiss the hell out of you.

Last week, I watched a video from One Taste on the pleasures of making out as an experience, not a route to something else. Though it's not gonna tell you anything you don't already know (plus you have to put your email address in to watch it), it did remind me of the delightful sensuality of making out. The sexy deliberate kisses finding sweet, soft places on their neck, the focus on sucking on an earlobe the exact right way to make them groan, the deep melty, lust-heavy kisses with swollen lips and sort of desperate pressing against each other through your clothes and feeling the hard ridge of cock*. God. Remember this?

So yeah. Are you doing that anymore? And if not, why not? Spill it.


*Or whatever it is/was you feel/felt. Don't want to be too hetero-normative.

(p.s. while looking for a photo, I came across this one which I love, though prob. a bit too penisy for me to post. I'm in enough damn trouble already. Nothing stopping you from looking though...)


aj said...

ah, i love that you always make me laugh out loud :) and i have no constructive comment given my lengthy singledom, except that this post made me SERIOUSLY want to make out with someone. today. this second. :)

Anonymous said...

I would love, love, love to make out with my wife. Kissing and touching and biting and all that wonderful teenage stuff... it's a huge turn-on for me. She has no patience for it.

Anonymous said...

I do enjoy making out, but must make a couple notes here. My beloved will kiss but teeth must be brushed beforehand etc etc. (Your photo link is very good in that it shows how things generally proceed when I have successfully plied her with wine BYW).A real issue for me is hygiene. My beloved Refuses to shower before "date night" My clumsy attempts at corrective action have been fruitless, and in fact counterproductive.
LOVe this column!

Jill Hamilton said...

aj, I will advise your associates of this your state of mind so they will be pre-warned.

anonymous, so sweet. can't take it. hate this kind of mismatching!

anonymous 2, that is indeed a problem. good luck with further "corrective" efforts.

Bons said...

My husband and I never make out. I love kissing but he is not (and never has been)a good kisser. And lately he doesn't smell appealing to me either. Weird. Depressing.

in bed with married women said...

Bons, Sorry girlie. Or guy. I guess you're helping someone feel better by comparison... yay?

Also here are some comments that came in via the SexPositive Reddit:

--from sunlit_shadows: Aaand now I really wanna make out. Unfortunately my SO only wants to before or during sex. :-/

--from the always-delightful threechordsongs: Yup! I had a conversation a while back with my partner about how I like making out, more than more typically intense sexual activities. I could see it took them a while to get used to, but it's been awesome :)
(side note, giggled so much at "In Thy Bede Withe Thee Married Wiffe").

--from GeorgeWashingtonBush: I try, she really doesn't understand the notion of slowing down. I have to teach her.

Random Girl said...

The one primary perk to being single is that I can make out with anyone I choose at will...and sometimes I do! I recall the drudgery of kissing the now ex-hubs and how it was only obligatory to lead directly to sex (routine...yawn) and then get on with our individual business.
I love to make's one of my favorite things falling only slightly behind coffee and sleeping in. I sometimes will have additional dates with a low potential guy strictly because I love how he kisses and I'm selfish like that.
I think part of the appeal of making out is the unknown. It's like an exciting game to figure out what he likes, how much he likes, what really gets the groan vs what seems mildly enjoyable. It's the best kind of research in my opinion.
With that said, I also know that once you've sealed the deal and are faithfully committed to only kissing one person whom you've already figured out everything about for the rest of eternity...the thrill of the research fades into oblivion. At least it did for me. I need the unknowns.

Anonymous said...

If you want the findings of an expert in this area, you can watch this Esther Perel TED talk Familiarity kills the thrill of the unknown. Solutions could be polyamory, and kink. But those present another set of problems. Dilemmas like this make life interesting.

in bed with married women said...

Hello there, more comments from the SexPositive Reddit ( for you miss "janet" or whoever wants 'em:

I love it, but the wife seems not to anymore. :/

My SO and I still make out after about two years. I honestly need it to be happy. We do it when were not going to have sex as well as when we are, it feels artificial to me if it's just before sex. Honestly, it turns me on a lot, more than some foreplay does. Plus I get the super close romantic feeling and I love it. I think it's important not to ditch acts of affection like this when the honeymoon stage is over.

I think petting is something a lot of couples fall out of. I know in my relationships we've only tended to do it toward the beginning, though as things spread out it becomes less and less common. I think a lot of the time we think of it as something only kids do because sex provides the bigger and better pay off, but actually just returning to a lot of simple physical contact like that can help you explore other avenues of eroticism you've forgotten about or didn't know existed. It can really help liven up the stale patterns of love making we can fall into "I touch you here, then here, then here, then we orgasm, talk for a bit and go to sleep.

I'm a slightly different demographic because I'm not married and don't even live with my partner yet, but we've been dating for three years now and we still make out. It's great, I love kissing :) it often leads to sex, but not always.

Make out in public! I took my fella to a concert this weekend. Made out for ages during the opener.

--And further from GeorgeWashingtonBush on the idea of slowing down:
It's not necessarily about slowing down per say. It's about making each moment meaningful into itself without expectations . But it's also about structuring the experience chronologically as if it were a song so that each moment makes sense next to the one before it. None of it really had to do with orgasm

in bed with married women said...


Random Girl--God, so well written. Esp. "the thrill of the research fades into oblivion." *sigh*

Anonymous--I am madly in love with your intelligence right now. So there.

in bed with married women said...

this from ed077:
I've actually asked my boyfriend recently why we don't make out anymore. His answer was that it was just too messy and he doesn't feel like it. It used to be amazing, lots of kissing and petting. Now it's barely a peck on the mouth maybe a few times a week, but only when I ask.

I think kissing can be even more intimate than sex itself. It's more tender. It's something I crave just as much as sex. The best sex I've had was when it's mixed with making out and cuddling (I know this sound like stereotypical "women" thinking, but it's true).

I have an inkling to think that maybe once you live with your partner, kissing becomes almost obsolete because you can just jump to sex whenever you want. When you lived apart and would meet in non-personal places, kissing is one the one thing you can do to encourage a sexual response.

Anonymous said...

I've been married for 20 years, with my husband for 25. We still make-out, although usually as a preamble to sex. However, some of the most fun we had was while I was pregnant and on pelvic rest. Lots of making out and blow jobs/hand jobs. Really, really fun. I think making out is so important. Women need to get warmed up, and nothing warms you up better. And kissing him has only gotten better over time. I wish we could just sit and make-out on the couch, but timing is tough. When we first got together I loved the smell of his breath, even in the morning. I'd say in the last 5 years morning breath has not been a turn-on, but that's why toothbrushes were invented! It makes me sad that other women give this stuff up. I'd love to know why. For me, everything sexual is just plain fun, where I can just let go of all my troubles. I have a personal theory that the amt of sex a woman wants is directly proportional to how many/how easy her orgasms. Might be another survey in there somewhere.

in bed with married women said...

Most recent Anonymous, thank you--that was lovely. And I always, always dig when people have a "personal theory" about something.

Mr. Manners said...

You know, that is possibly the saddest thing I've ever heard about growing old with someone and could possibly keep me single my entire life.

in bed with married women said...

Mr. Manners, er, sorry 'bout that

Jack Connery said...

A little erotic nostalgia. Congratulations on making's Top 10 Blog Post of the Week!

in bed with married women said...

thanks jack! putting it on my resume at once.