Monday, December 19, 2016

DIY Edible Underwear

These were called Candypants. Shiny.
"New business idea," writes Janet in response to Taste Like Your Worst Nightmare. "Gourmet edible undies for foodies -- stuff like Meyer lemon tart that you sprinkle powdered sugar on after said panty wearer has them on. Molten lava cake that comes with whip cream lube. Then there's the savory edition so you could actually skip dinner and go straight to the sex--sushi flavored panties in assorted fancy rolls, beef wellington, and for the vegetarian, quinoa with chick peas and kale. I think there's a big opportunity here:)"

Yeah... Maybe.... 'Cept it's kinda been done. As my genius friend Bill put it on Facebook yesterday, "Yes, yes. This is every goddamn day of my life," linking to The Onion's Best, Most Original Idea Man Has 114, 000 Search Results.

Which brings us to this instructional (sewing pattern? recipe?) for DIY Beef Jerky Underwear.

The recipe contains hot sauce and liquid smoke, which seems problematic, but I suppose if you're come to terms with the other accompanying comfort issues inherent with crotch/dried meat contact, you're probably good.

Isn't this wasteful? asked one earnest commenter.

"Where is the waste?" answered another. "They are edible. No doubt the plan is to eat them off your partner. [D]epend[ing on] the size they would be good for more than one fun time activity, pretty much guaranteeing they will be consumed to the last bit."

So, yeah, problem solved. You gnaw away at it until it all gets too sexy and arousing and the meat underwear must --must, please now!--be savagely and hastily removed. Then, next time you're feeling randy, drag those raggedy-ass, half-eaten jerky pants out of the pantry and don them suggestively. Maybe run around a bit or do a few squats, to further arouse your partner as well as soften them up for easier chewing.

My favorite comment was from one Wazzupdoc. "Let's bump this up a notch. Jump in the hot-tub to soften things up a bit and chew away! Secondary benefit? Soup!"


ps.  In Bed With Married Women is currently the #1 highest-rated and #3 best-selling erotica blog on Kindle. Clearly Amazon has a pretty loose definition/strange concept of erotica, but I'll take it. Though I do feel a bit sorry for anyone buying it expecting some sexytime reading and instead discovering a big ol' picture of meat underwear.

(photo source)


in bed with married women said...

I finally found a usable (if you don't count the huge "STOCK PHOTO" written on it) pic of the garbage bagish edible underwear from yesterday. Here tis:

Jean said...

Oh man... I want to be the cool, open minded woman I like to think I am, but I draw the line at edible underwear. SO much can go wrong. I think this one is good in theory, never works in practice.

If this is your thing, just ignore me. When I think edible underwear I envision some form of a fruit rollup-style panties.

in bed with married women said...

Jean, I hear you. My friend mentioned the smell issue, something I hadn't considered. Now YOU can too.

Sir Thomas said...

Why bother with edible underwear? Went to have some afternoon delight with a favourite hotty and it seems she had had hot chilly noodles for lunch. Forget French Kissing, this was toe curling Deep Shanghai Kissing. And as for a Hot Blow Job, woooooow! Definitely a better way to "spice" up your sex life than edible undies!

Unknown said...

I'm with Jean - when I think of edible panties I'm assuming fruit flavors.

Of course if you're into role playing those meat pants look kind of cavemannish....

Kari said...

God, do I love you. This may be my favoritest blog ever. You are my queen. Thank you for loving the stuff that no one wants to talk about and making me laugh.

Ms.. Quote said...

Beef jerky panties have no appeal to me, but I can't help but thinking of them from a guy's POV. Thankfully my man is not a big fan of beef jerky.

in bed with married women said...

Sir Thomas, dear god, man.

Vanessa D. the role playing thing sounds ok but i am waaaay too lazy and craft-deficient to make these. i could do a beef jerky loin cloth at best.
Kari, holy fuck, girl. thank you.

Mongo, At The Moment said...

Congratulations on the #1 and #3; it's so deserved. You're a polymorphously gifted observer, writer, and you have Teh Funny. If they don't hand you a Pulitzer soon, I think a Crew may spontaneously organize itself and, uh, 'provide' one for you.

I encountered edible underwear in the early Eighties (not worn by me) and of a very specific cherry flavor that reminded of Those Famous cough drops, without the menthol. They also messed up the sheets a bit.

Jill Hamilton said...

Mongo, I kind of love that you specified that the underwear was not worn by you.