Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Dawn: On Lesbian Bed Death and Lexapro Sex

An email exchange on Lesbian Bed Death with Dawn, who is, indeed, a lesbian. Please, no flash photography.

Dawn: So, I've been irked by the Kurt comment on Glee! about lesbian bed death. [IBWMW: In the scene of which she speaks, Kurt worries that he and Blaine are becoming too familiar with each other (including 'familiar' in the sense of 'family-like') and might be suffering from lesbian bed death.]

Here are some thoughts:

I don't remember the last time Lyn and I had sex, but it definitely isn't because I think of Lyn as "a sister" (or a sista' either for that matter), which is how Kurt described it to Rachel. Frankly, I think it is that we are just both exhausted. I guess all couples probably are, so what makes us "special" I don't know. We should be all over it, I suppose, with no risk of an "oops" baby. And we have so much more disposable income to go out on dates not having to pay for birth control. Except we both only make 70 cents on the dollar if Rachel Maddow is to believed - and she is - so crap, there goes that theory. Maybe two vaginas* (today's secret word) is too much subconscious ugly for one room? Perhaps we are still subject to being conditioned not to be sexually assertive so neither of us makes the first move? One of us (OK, me) being on Lexapro doesn't help since that cuts the potential drive by half, or a quarter, or something - math isn't my strong suit so we'll just say diminished. Or is this something that happens to many married couples, but since it is two women, one of the pair can't blame the other for "holding out" and using sex to manipulate? So, they came up with this label. Probably to scare people away from lesbian relationships. "Sure you may double your wardrobe if you choose a partner wisely, but you will die a horrible bed death." I think that's it.

OK, creative juice depleted. Entering refractory period.


* You use this "*" thing all the time, so I wanted to use it too. How fun! OK, focus. Spell check doesn't like vaginas. Its first recommendation is singular "vagina" - so I think it is probably homophobic. Except that penises is somehow OK, so they are women haters. "Vaginae" does make the suggestion list - but that reminds me of alumnae, which makes me think we are all graduates. In a way we are, I suppose, of the vaginae of mothers everywhere. What does it take to graduate summa cum laude? Get an APGAR score of 10?

In Bed With Married Women: So to clarify, you are irked because everyone has bed death and it unfairly makes it look like a lesbian thing? Yes?

Btw, I too am on Lexapro and although the negative sexual effect (in my case, more difficult to come, TMI of all times) appear to be lessening (oh, please let it be!) my shrink once advised that you can take drug holiday over the weekend if you decide you want to get it on. Not sure how long you can be off safety and to get results. If one of us is brave enough to do it, let's report back on our results. Because that's the scientific thing to do. [Note: Readers? Any of you tried this? Oh, c'mon, surely you aren't all happy and well-adjusted, like, naturally...]

Dawn: I think I'm irked because this may have been the first time a lot of people have heard of LBD and now think that lesbian relationships are even more weird than they thought. Interestingly, Lyn and I have been out places and have been asked if we are sisters. We don't look much alike, really, but I think people must pick up on a degree of closeness beyond friends, so they guess sisters because thinking about two women in bed together bothers them. Guys *say* they like to think about it, but they really mean 2 straight porn stars with breast enhancements and shaved cunts, not the real deal. Watch some lesbian porn for lesbians sometime - the comparison is comical. Anyway, the sister comparison makes the sex part go away, like some soothing ointment for an oversexed imagination or something. Who the fuck knows, but I don't like it. So there.

For the Lexapro, I can only go about a day and a half and I'm off my titer. I get nauseous and dizzy, and not in a cute school-girl way, both coming off and going back on. Not so great for setting the mood. I do have a similar side effect to what you describe, but it isn't too bad since it has throttled back my drive to nearly nothing. The up shot is that Lyn and I used to have a lot of conflict about our different drives, so now it is all harmonious. Harmonious like, like, I don't know, sisters?

(photo: Giulio Aristide Sartorio - Nus FĂ©minins, n.d.) 


Anonymous said...

my thoughts on lexapro: try weed. try it the same way you would try an antidepressant. start with small doses in the evenings before bed. once you're used to the effects it's safe to drive and go to work. do it for two months before you expect it to work. i smoked regularly for weeks if not a month before i had any effects at all. once i did start feeling it, i experienced all of the adverse effects that are reported (dry mouth, confusion, and, rarely, panic attacks) but they only occured in the first two months of use. after that, the negative side effects have all but disappeared and although i'm still struggling with a lack of appetite and some anxiety and depression these problems have become much more manageable. it's nice not wanting to kill yourself, enjoying food is good too, and the sex is better.

in bed with married women said...

oh yes, anyone want to recommend some good girlie porn? i watched some a few months back and it was this one chick just like, ramming her fingers up the other girls wang, like she was shoving her fingers in a bowling ball but really hard and really fast. it looked somewhat painful actually, but maybe i just don't know how to live.

Mandy_Fish said...

I think we should call it Long Term Relationship Bed Death. LTRBD? I think it's unfair to pin it on the lesbians as though it's unique. Relationships ebb and flow.

tjohn said...

Hi, my friend Brent recommended your blog on fB this morning, and I'm glad he did. I'm likin' it so far.

I was on antidepressants for more than 10 years, until I decided last year that I wanted to go off everything and see who I was again. (There's more to the story, but I won't bore you with it here.) It's been a difficult year so far, but the episodes are getting fewer and farther between, and don't seem to be as severe as they used to be. My shrink hooked me up with a nutritionist, who recommended increasing certain vitamins where I was deficient, especially D and B-12. Also omega-complex or fish oil helps balance your hormones as well. Or something like that. She also recommended avoiding carb-heavy foods that cause drastic mood swings.

Anyway, you have probably already read research to this effect, but I just thought I would throw it out there. Maybe it's psychosomatic in my case, and maybe it's just my strong desire to be chemical-free right now. But it's working for me.

tjohn said...

Oh, most importantly, lots of protein, which has been a big struggle for me, because I don't eat a lot of meat. But the happy hormones in your brain are made of amino acids, which require lots and lots of protein.

in bed with married women said...

Mandy_Fish, fo' shizzle.

ti'mo, welcome! and thanks for your words. i'm guessing it might help some folks as well who are too shy to comment on their various mental states and such.

Lorelei said...

I'm also a Lexapro user (3+ years), and after the first few months of lowered libido, I added Welbutrin to my regimen. It made all the difference in the world for me! It's not an appropriate drug for folks with major anxiety, as it can exacerbate those symptoms. But adding it as a booster to Lexapro, my energy and libido bounced right back up.

Anonymous said...

Ditto on the Wellbutrin. Tried all the SSRI drugs like Lexapro, Zoloft, Prozac, etc and got at best a bland, bored, 10 lbs-heavier "meh" neutral. Wellbutrin made me feel like myself but happy, well adjusted...normal. And it had some nice side effects that are opposite those of SSRIs: weight loss and increased libido. Libido-wise, it was great having my old self back.