Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Ovulation = Hormonal Beer Googles

Is this chick ovulating?  Check out her
clingy clothes, symmetrical boobs,  the
manly companion... Signs point to "yes."
"People like to forget that we're animals, tied to the Earth and the tides," says a friend with a penchant for making such delightful proclamations. Yes, we think we're making rational decisions, exercising our free choice, and all that... but half the time--hell, maybe all the time--we're just blindly responding to our hormonal instructions like remote control cars in the hands of a sugared-up kid.

To wit: this study showing that women buy sexier, clingier clothes while ovulating. (To those who spent sex ed class giggling in the back of the class: ovulation is the woman's fertile period. And if you don't start paying better attention, well, don't make me break out my diagram of the female reproductive system.)

One of the study's researchers--sounding less like a scientist and more like an evil cyborg villain from a future dystopian universe--noted a way that corporations could cash in this phenomenon by hitting up the ovulation-crazed females ready to shell out cash on push-up bras and the like:

"Our findings suggest marketers for many types of female products are well served to strategically time their mailings, coupons, electronic solicitations, and direct requests to the specific window when women are ovulating."

Which is pretty damn evil. (And, following the same logic, presumably the marketing flyers for unsexy clothes would arrive a couple weeks later. Hey, JC Penney's--it's your time to shine!) But ovulating women aren't spending all their time just buying sexy clothes, they're mindlessly obeying their hormones in myriad ways. Women's voices get higher-pitched during ovulation, they walk differentlyprefer more masculine faces and are more susceptible to pick-up lines. During this period, they're also more likely to fantasize about someone other than their partner. (For your Fantasy Consideration: Javier Bardem in that scene in Vicky Christina Barcelona where he seduces two women by telling them, "Life is short, life is boring, life is full of pain," thus, they should immediately run off to an island with him for the weekend.)

Um...what was I saying, oh yes, during ovulation, women's bodies change like some mutant Transformer, except instead of becoming robots in disguise, our ears, fingers and breasts get more symmetrical and skin color lightens. (Cue mutation sound FX.) Women actually get observably prettier, and subjects consistently rate ovulating women as more attractive.
And it's not just the ladies going all crazy with the hormones. Men think ovulating women smell better, they get more jealous of dominant males when their partner is ovulating and they give ovulating strippers more tips. ($70 an hour for the ovulating strippers vs. only $35 for the menstruating ones, but I'm guessing that's because the menstruating ones were probably sobbing in the corner, complaining that everyone had become a complete asshole.)

It all seems a little complex. I don't see why humans didn't just adopt the chimpanzee method of the females developing a big swollen pink butt when they're ready to go. It's a simple, obvious and clear signal of willingness. Although, admittedly, the pink butt route has its own drawbacks. Swollen pink butts do in fact make your butt look fat in those jeans, and pink butt makes it much more difficult to play it coy.

Female: Hmmm...I don't know if I'm interested...
Male: Uh, I can see your big ol' pink butt, you know.
Female: Oh, yeah, right....Let's go back to your place then.

Several friends and I have noticed that as we've gotten older, our cyclical swings of desire have become much more pronounced. One week we're WAY into it--like Superfreaks--and when we're not, well, eh, whatever. So here are your questions for the day: Are you elderly like us and is this happening to you as well? If so, you always noticed it or are you just becoming more attuned to the rhythms of your body? And you too, men, how is your desire changing as you age? Comment below, or drop me an email.


PS Goddamn rerun.


Betty Fokker said...

Actually, we lost the swollen pink butt and got boobs as part of a hidden estrus strategy. Gross Oversimplification: If you've done guys A, B, and C and none of them know if they MIGHT have gotten you knocked up, they were more likely to defend, not kill, your infant. Plus, you could screw around on the alpha male without him losing his shit ... you already looked a little pregnant, so no biggie.

Can you tell I am an anthropologist?

Jill Hamilton said...

Aw man, Betty, when you talk like that, I'd Totally do you, pink butt or no.

Unknown said...

This is an interesting study. My girlfriend is on the shot, completely messing up her cycles. I think my libido has stabilized because of the lack of 'ebb and flow' (even though the 'flow' still comes by now and then).

My marketing senses are tingling. I want to open up a strip club where we rotate ovulating strippers in and out, to maximize profits 100% of the time...

Can't keep anything to myself said...

It would be impossible to be a tease with a swollen, pink butt. And you wouldn't want to tease when your butt isn't swollen. I like that men can't "see" when I'm horny, but I can see when they are ;)
Despite being on birth control, there're are still a few days once a month where I just picture every cute guy I see naked and under me.

PS I like your new picture and updates.

in bed with married women said... Something to consider re: your strip club idea. What to do with the menstruating strippers? It would unwise to anger them. Un. wise.

Can't keep it to myself: Now that you mention it, sometimes I think I might as well have a swollen pink butt because i'm so flippin readable. crap. ps. thanks!

Anonymous said...

Now, what I'd like to know is if men frequent adult bookstores for a quick one on a regular hormonal cycle as well?! Do men also go through a testosterone cycle that makes them more horny and more promiscuous at certain times?
Fair play to ask these questions too!

Belinda said...

All I know is how giddy I got watching Javier Bardem walking up to the table in that clip. I was so giddy, you'd think I was the one sitting at that table. Hmmmm, maybe I'm ovulating.

Anonymous said...

It is funny that I read this right now, when I am just a few days off from the "OMG I wanna have sex so badly!" kick. I swear that I'm going to participate in a gang bang during that stage someday.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous--Damn! I love how smart you all are! Good question.
Belinda--that is my very favorite. "Life is short, boring..etc. Javier?" Okay, let's go.
Week Bi Week--and you will have to tell us all about it.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy the reruns. I missed this one the first time around.
As for men's testosterone cycles, IMHO it is not monthly or annual, it is one lifetime long cycle. It goes from a seemingly never ending erection, beginning around age 13, to "could we just talk" around age 70.
Women call the shots regarding when there will or will not be intimacy. Cloudy female judgment during ovulation cycles have save the human race from extinction.
Most of the women I date are in their sixties. Some are done with sex and have zero interest.
Others are as active as they have ever been in their lives; maybe even moreso. So, there is something more to it that ovulation. I'm not sure what that "something" might be.

Jill Hamilton said...

Anon, Thanks for the report from another gender. PS you aren't the only one who missed this. It was early on and I think I only had about 500 readers at the time. !

TTRW said...

Re mens "cycles"
As an ages-old penis-owner I can tell Our Dear Jill that the erections are much fewer and far between. Not even every AM with the "morning wood" anymore.
However, I do still have a very active imagination, (this is good because so many times when I get horny I have to take care of it myself)
Anyway, here is a new feature of being a senior: at this age when I am financially better off I fantasize about a BDSM scene where I am submissive. When I am in "poverty mode" my fantasies place me in the dominant role.
Is this helpful?

Anonymous said...

Very interesting and well-written article. I would have never imagined some of these correlations existed.

Fwiw, the tag assigned to reposted content is severely off-putting to me as a man of faith. Thanks, and blessings for continued success!

Jill Hamilton said...

Ttrw and anon. Thanks and thanks. The you know what rerun is a reference to an old Life in Hell comic and said by a grouchy old married person w first world problems. Will rethink it though.

Anonymous said...

As a male I can answer the question on male cycles by saying yes definitely a cycle. If I go longer than 10- 14 days without ejaculating the tension builds to the point I am almost non stop thinking of sex. The head of my penis becomes engorged and moods change. My partner notices my penis is harder and larger the longer between sessions and I stay harder longer after ejaculating. Its hard to channel the emotions into behaviour that is not driving to sex. Tend to be more aggressive and unfocussed. Masturbation is a way to even out the cycle. I notice that the longer I wait the semen is significantly more fluid so I wonder if this buildup also drive some emotions. I only have one testicle so I wonder if its shorter with others.

Spiffy McBang said...

If I went 10-14 days without ejaculating I would be in jail, because I would have fucking killed somebody by that point.

Anyway, even though the question if five and a half years old... a cycle implies something relatively predictable. Even when there are fluctuations in timing, there's the up and the down part of it. I don't know if too many guys can be described that way. The post above this, for example, doesn't indicate a cycle so much as buildup, which is what's usually ascribed to men. The 'cycle' can be broken at any time with sex or a solid jerk, which makes it not a cycle at all.

Anonymous said...

There is a male cycle. It starts after a man ejaculates and builds to the next ejaculation. Ejaculating resets the cycle. The more often a man cums in a short period of time, often the longer the refractory period is.

The age difference is one of cycle length. Younger men peak in their horniness sooner whereas older men take longer to peak.

Some couples practice orgasm denial by use of a male chastity device. The man's horniness peaks and stays there until he is released and ejaculates.