Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Appeal of the Experienced Lover, Or Why Older Women Are So Very Fuckable

I am 46 years old and I have never felt hotter. Never. Hotter.


And I'm not just saying that to dull the pain of some Horrible Truth like when people tell you men only care about a woman's inner beauty or that if you just breathe in a jaunty, can-do manner during childbirth, it won't hurt.

When you're older, sex is just...better. Way better. You notice more, you feel more, you just enjoy it more. In the post, In Search of the Elusive Third Type of Orgasm, dear reader Anonymous had this theory about it:
AS we get older, we are less concerned about how we look when screamin', whoopin', full heartedly ENJOYING mind-blowing sex. 
True. Plus once you hit 40, you get a delightfully useful "Fuck it" attitude that makes life much more enjoyable. Things you don't want to do? Don't do them! Fuck it! Boring people in your life? Don't talk to them! Only deal with people who enchant and entertain you. (And if you don't agree, piss off! I've got no time for you!)

Not only do I feel way hotter than my 20 year old self, I think I probably am, in some sort of observable, measurable manner, actually more smokin' hot. But in lieu of a complex and probably cost-prohibitive science experiment involving a time travel machine, a startled (and most likely drunken) version of my 1980s self, and an intrepid team of embarrassed/aroused scientists in lab coats calculating orgasm response times, we will have to test my hypothesis with empirical evidence. That is, observation and experience.

Exhibit A, Experience:  A 43 year old friend of mine recently bought a sex toy (It was something like this, with an inner dildo-y part plus so-called "rabbit ears" for outer stimulation) and quickly discovered that she could have g-spot orgasms. She had never known this about herself.  For 40-fucking-3 years! This information can be nothing but good, I say. Nothing but good! 

Yeah, it's definitely his Inner
 Beauty that's got us.
Exhibit B, Observation: Here I will have to go with Benjamin Franklin, favorite of old broads everywhere.  Franklin was not a looker, but he had a good brain which is ten times as hot, and was thus quite popular with the ladies. Here in his (once banned!) Old Mistresses Apologue (June 25, 1745), he advises a friend on why older women are clearly better Amours
I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:
1. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor’d with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.
2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.
3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc’d may be attended with much Inconvenience.
4. Because thro’ more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin’d to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.
5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.
6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.
7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.
8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!
I'm especially fond of number 5, with its talk of "what is below the Girdle" and Franklin's trying to explain to his friend that below-the-girdle action remains oh-so-good by invoking sciencey phrases like "Animals that walk upright" and "Deficiency of the Fluids."

Franklin wasn't alone in his love of experienced older women. Men throughout history have come to the same conclusion. In this article in The Smoking Jacket (a site from Playboy, Worldwide Headquarters of young nubile boobs), writer Chris Lathrop cites Franklin's letter and his "centuries-ahead-of-its-time awareness of something that's become common knowledge among modern men and anyone who watches Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives: Older women fucking rule."

The Roman poet Ovid* (43 BC- 17AD) also noted that older women fucking rule, albeit more eloquently (i.e. "enjoy the fruits of Love in their full and ripe maturity") in The Art of Love--Ars Amatoria, a sort of instruction manual on Love:
They are well versed in all the mysteries and attitudes of Love, and are thereby able to enhance your pleasure...Their appetites do not need to be provoked by wearisome titillations and they will share their pleasures with you equally...Dutiful embraces repel me, for nothing can be more pleasing to the ear of a lover than a trembling voice of the beloved when she whispers ecstatically of her joy. What can compare to my happiness when my fair one pleads with me to prolong her rapture? Naught can be sweeter than my beloved, inebriate with ecstasy, holding me at arm's length and pleading with swimming eyes that I slacken my pace.
So what do you think of all this? Men, do you agree? Have you known the pleasures of an older women? Women, are you feeling sassier these days? Is your body more responsive? Less so? And does anyone else besides me wish that they were gazing upon the face of their beloved "inebriate with ecstasy" instead of sitting here at the fucking computer?


* p.s. If you want to feel smart and read something pretty sexy at the same time, I urge you to read The Art of Love at once.

Beware: some of Ovid's advice can be:
--practical, yet not currently socially acceptable, i.e. take two mistresses instead of one so you don't get too attached, or,
 --comically weird and outdated, i.e. this recipe for a face of "dazzling whiteness" which begins "Pulverize the first horns dropped from a lusty stag." (note: Ovid provides no clues on determining which stag is the lusty one.)

But most of his advice is still perfectly good. Here's Ovid on taking your time in Love, which, more than 2000 years later, is still damned good advice.
If you will listen to me you will not be too hasty in attaining the culmination of your happiness. Learn by skillful maneuvering to reach your climax by degrees. When you are safely ensconced in the sanctuary of bliss, let no timid fear arrest your hand. You will be richly rewarded by the love-light trembling in her eyes, even as the rays of the sun fitfully dance upon the waves. Then will follow gentle murmurs, moans and sighs, laden with ecstasy that will sting and lash desire.

photo source 


catislander said...

Great post. I have to go get inebriated with ecstasy now. Or maybe just inebriated. Wine's better at 44 too.

Kate W said...

Yes, sex at forty something is definately better (by a long way); I feel sexier than ever and definately have the 'fuck you' attitude to life you mention. As for looking ruffled after mind blowing sex.....sign of a damn good night, if you ask me!!
Just for the record, what age gap defines 'an older woman'?

Anonymous said...

When I was younger, I was far too concerned with the man's experience and spent most of my time focused on his arousal. Much of the time, I felt like I was performing more than participating.
After 40, I finally realized that taking my own pleasure, and letting a man see it, is the most arousing thing of all. For both of us.

Unknown said...

Well...36...which, next month, I will suddenly not looking old enough.

The shame in the game, is that I dont know that both sexes are so graced. Are the men as equally fabulous? Gawd, I hope so.

Another terrific post

Can't keep anything to myself said...

I feel like I should be offended. On the other hand, I've had good sex, but I would be disappointed if that was as good as things got. So I guess I'll just look forward to sex getting even better.
Also, I think I'm ovulating and have the metaphorical swollen, pink butt right now. That, or your posts just turn me on too damn much. That movie clip from the last post left me squirming in my seat and smirking my dirty smirk ;)

Vesta Vayne said...

I have the same thought as Annabelle. Nice to know there's something to look forward to in a few years. And I totally believe it - in my 20s the only thoughts I had were along the lines of 'how do I look'. Silly but true. Once I hit my 30s those insecurities fell away (thank God), and if things get even better, then yee-haw! Bring on the 4-0!

Cagey-C said...

My wife is two full months older than I am, so I've been having sex with an older woman for 14 years. We haven't crossed the threshold of 40 yet, but I am confident that the sex will keep getting better. I don't actually have a control group, so I can't say much by way of comparison, but I do think that the passage of time has played a key function; if sex is a conversation, we have spent a lot of time becoming fluent in each other's languages, even as the favored terms shift and evolve.

I also got a kick out of Franklin's #5; perhaps I'll try to cover my top half with a basket during some moment of passion. That sounds kinky! (And, come to think of it, really impractical and uncomfortable.)

And I don't doubt that, at 46, you are totally hotter than ever.

Betty Fokker said...

Did you know that widows were expected to take a lover or "take care of themselves" in the middle ages, because to go too long without orgasm might drive them mad? It was for their HEALTH. It didn't change until the Puritans got a hold on culture and made sex "bad". Stupid puritans.

Leah said...

I hit 60 and my sex life took off!

CA Heaven said...

I totally agree; there's nothing hotter than being 46 >:)

Cold As Heaven

Anonymous said...

Not sure what medieval society the commenter is talking about, but as far as I know that's just not true.

Cagey-C said...

It's a little too much to say that the Puritans made sex 'bad.' That can be found in some far earlier thinkers, like Augustine. The Puritans, on the other hand, considered sex to be a natural good that was ordained in the Garden of Eden. They saw it as a necessity for a marriage, and taught that it should be enjoyed regularly and even enthusiastically. That's not to say that the Puritan legacy in this country is unproblematic, but rather to say that they didn't see sex itself as evil.

Leah said...

Jill, I put a link to your posting on my own blog

in bed with married women said...

catislander, i hope your ecstasy inebriation worked out for you. mine didn't. i think i ended up going to target or something instead. feh.

kate, older woman age gap? don't know. anyone? ps. glad you like the interview w/ the swinger! was wondering how it would read from a swinger's point of view. here's a link if anyone else wants to check it out:

anonymous--couldn't agree more. so freeing and wonderful to sort of unleash one's desire and realize its power.

and thanks dear annabelle, you are already so ahead of me and so aware, you don't have to wait til you're 40. you're already there.

can't keep anything to myself, you are on fire, girl. squirm away!

vesta vayne--jealous of you young-uns. you're SO much more free than we were.

cagey-c-- i am madly in love w/ your sentence " if sex is a conversation, we have spent a lot of time becoming fluent in each other's languages, even as the favored terms shift and evolve."

betty-- oooh, interesting! tell me what i should read to learn more...

leah--so interesting to see the sort of "regulars" talk about their ages. everyone around here has such an agelessness, i had no idea that there was such a wide range of ages! ps. thanks for the link!!!

cold as heaven--let us enjoy this moment of agreement.

anonymous 2 and Cagey-c again--this demands more research. anyone want to volunteer?

and anonymous 3--fo' shizzle.

Anonymous said...

First, I Love your column! I read it every couple days and eventually will be sending you money to keep it up.
But now then back to today's questions. I am a man of a certain age in a long - term marriage. I have lots of experience with women of a certain (post - menopausal) age and of course there's me.
My sweety pie, (she too is a hottie) takes her cue for sex from her dreams. She will actually say:.."Hey I had that dream last night where I was hooking up with the guy from Krogers. Maybe we should take the phone off the hook tonight and have a night for ourselves".
In other words, if she slept soundly through the night she would not need the ol' side of beef here.
I find that the longer I go between episodes of sensual delight the more aggressive I get.
I also note that at my age, when, for some reason I am flush with money, (rare) I have this submissive kink show up and I am browsing the "Domme" ads..
When I am broke and needy i am fantasizing about being pampered in an hour - long massage followed by a happy ending. sigh.
There you are, something to think about!

Anonymous said...

Well, just to confirm your point, my wife and I had the absolutely best fucking time of our 25 years together last night, and I'm 54 and she's 61. I mean, we've been having a great sex for a lot of years, but still...

Anyway, just a little boasting. Carry on! Go Leah!

Not So Simply Single said...

You are HOT...
I believe sex it so much better as a woman of "wisdom". I orgasm now at least 15 times a night, because, well, I know how to guide my man to the places that take me there...

and that feels oh so gooooood!

Being 52 and hot ROCKS!


Cagey-C said...

This is just a small contribution to the further research you asked for. I have no knowledge whatsoever about the treatment of widows in the middle ages, so am sticking to the Puritans. earlier comment was itself a little too uncomplicated. There is quite a bit of debate (or was; I'm not sure how pressing it still is) about the attitudes and lived realities of Puritans in relation to all things pleasurable. A generation of scholars in the mid-20th century adopted an intellectual history approach that pointed to writings of Puritan divines in which sex was treated positively as a marital good and bastion of protection for the soul (e.g. the delightfully capitalized assessment from Edward Taylor's "Commonplace Book" that, 'the Use of the Marriage Bed' is 'founded in mans Nature,' and that withdrawal from marital sex on the part of either partner 'Denies all reliefe in Wedlock unto Human necessity: and sends it for supply unto Beastiality when God gives not the gift of Continency.')

A later generation of scholars, however, adopted a cultural approach, seeking to determine whether the ministers' statements reflected the daily experiences of Puritans. The consensus: not so much. Some of the teachings of the divines were made within the context of their anti-Catholicism, in which they sought to contrast themselves to the sex-hatin', idolatrous papists. At the same time, there was a lot of anxiety about sex, even that properly channeled within marriage, as being potentially dangerous to the soul that gets carried away in lusts and perversions.

So did the Puritans make sex 'bad'? Not exactly, and definitely not by themselves. Probably the best way to conceive (oops!) of it is to say that they had an ambiguous approach to sex, seeing it (as much as we can say that all Puritans saw it in the same way) as both good, pleasurable, and simultaneously fraught with danger. An interesting article which addresses the question both at the level of Puritan thought and the level of scholarly approaches is Bruce C. Daniel's 'Did the Puritans Have Fun? Leisure, Recreation, and the Concept of Pleasure in Early New England,' in the April, 1991 issue of the Journal of American Studies.

And now I will shut up about those New England Calvinists, because they are decidedly not what this post is all about. On that score, I'm still quite happy to concede: older women are definitely hot.

dirtycowgirl said...

Loving this blog.
Here goes a few hours reading back through your posts.

And yeah, as an older woman I have to agree...with all of it, especially the fuck you attitude.

in bed with married women said...

Anonymous 4, Very interesting idea on the money status effect on dom/sub-wantingness. Anyone else have this going on?
Not So Simply Single--Jesus, girl! All I can say is I am beyond impressed.
Cagey-C-- I am SO into the fact that you all are so flippin' smart. Must find the Commonplace book. I loves me some unnecessary capitalization.
And Dirtycowgirl, if I may call you that, thanks for the kind words and WELCOME!

Freddy said...

What a fantastic post.
It's a certainty that I'll be linking to it on my blog before the day's out.

Oh, and if you think sex in your mid-40s is good, then hold onto your hat and enjoy the ride as the nest 10-20 years pass by...

Bitchy B said...

Hell Yes! Just replaced our evening tellie with your blog, much more entertaining, and at times, truly educational! You rock! I have an insatiable urge to head west to party with you, fellow 40-something hot chick! However, instead I've settled with having VERY interesting conversations with my hubby (your cousin), which I thank you for prompting - and feeding. And, in my humble opinion, you are waaaay hotter than you were 20 years ago :) said...

This post is full of orgasmic gems. I fuckin love it and fuckin agree with all of it! Great, great job.

caitlingrace said...

Having newly upgrade to version 5.0 of my own sweet self I have to say this blog is indeed TRUE!! Sex getss better with every passing decade

Anonymous said...

Many years ago a friend of mine used to say: The old ones are always the best, and the most grateful.

Anonymous said...

In the last few years, I've had several brief trysts with women both in their fifties and in their twenties (I'm a 38-year old man who feels pretty fortunate.)

For every woman who feels like she's lost *it* to hardbody twenty-somethings: My experience of older women is that you really and truly ARE more sensuous, more aware of yourselves, deeper, softer, wiser, all of that. And yes, better in bed. The elusive third type of orgasm? Yes. Deeply thumping release over and over again, sweaty and ejaculating all over the sheets? yes, all of that.

At nineteen, I fell in love with a 35-year old. I worshipped her skin, especially the soft, worn, mottled skin of her chest above her breasts. Me and my barely post-adolescent fascination, her and her strong weathered hands, we made love in Prague and Paris, we swooned over one another during picnics in the Dutch dunes, slept under a blanket on the beach at night, and we found one another over and over again in ways that the other college boys could never have understood. Most of my partners have been 15 years my senior - or better.

A fifty-somethng friend, on my teasing her, paraphrased Mr. Franklin's 8th point above. Looking over her glasses, she smiled, lips parted only slightly: "I dunno," she cooed. "I think you'd be pretty grateful."