Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Bad Sexting, Nudie Pics and the Cloud

The photo that got me temporarily banned from Facebook
A few years ago, I was Facebook chatting with a friend about a torrid affair she was having with a possibly cruel and inscrutable hot guy. It was up to us, you see, to analyze the minutiae of his behavior in order to reach some sort of Great Insight into the Male/Female Condition. Or something. We were thus far not there.

"He sent me a picture," she typed in what I like to imagine was a scandalized whisper, but was probably more likely her plain old typin' face. "Want to see it?"

But of course.

And it was just... AWFUL. It was some creepy guy--oh my god, so so creepy!-- just standing in his stupid underwear in a tiny depressing space that was clearly his bathroom. He looked, to be honest, like his picture should be accompanied by the words "a part-time children's clown by profession, he has been accused in the series of particularly gruesome deaths." He looked like a full-body mug shot. (An idea I will not be suggesting to the nation's police departments.) It was so...sordid. And not in a good way.

Surely this dude isn't the only person who beamed his depressing visage out into the cloud. No, there have to be more, way more.

I mean, photography is an art. One perfected by few. The kind of shot we're used to seeing in magazines or billboards has been through many talented hands and Photoshop sessions before it is deemed fit for our consumption. Most people we see naked in pictures are professionals, as are their body parts. You're not just seeing any old wiener, that's top of the line wiener, sister, top of the line.

Can you imagine the virtual Smithsonian of Awkward Family Photos-esque nudie pics out floating around in the cloud? Because there must be, like, a fucking cornucopia of lumpy body parts, unlovely people cowering naked in their poorly decorated homes with camera to crotch, and cooter shots that look more ham sandwich than object of lust.

That's not even counting all the back alleyways of sexuality--millions of people, each with their own personal Special Fetish. The Star Trek costumes, anal festooning, the household objects inserted into various orifices. "Here's me naked with *hushed voice quavering with passion*...the Red Balloon--squeeeeeee!"

And that's just photos. There are also the words accompanying them. Billions and billions of poorly-written missives, full of misspelled words, excessive use of the ;) emoticon and just....trite sentiments. I saw a transcript of some of Tiger Wood's illicit sexting and it was just so, well, see for yourself.

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday.
Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

And that's Tiger friggin' Woods--he should be getting the highest quality sexting, full of lustful scenarios, vibrant images and insanely hot language.

Since I am a writer, I would be, like, the worst person ever to sext to. I would nerdishly look upon the text as a piece of literature. It would have to not only be blisteringly hot, but grammatically correct with well-placed flourishes of humor and intelligence. The Tiger Woods thing above, with its non-interesting plot line and misuses of "there" and "your," well, it's just not good enough. There ought to be rules about this shit.

Oh wait, there are. Let's see, here's tip #10 in the article 10 Sexting Tips.

Use exclamation points! Exclamatory phrases are more intense expressions. For example, "You make me feel so good." and "You make me feel so good!!" Do you see how the first sentence is simple compared to the second one? Exclamation points should be used to express extreme emotion. 

I'm not quite sure which is worse--sending bad sexts or actually consulting internet articles to improve your sexting. (Although I'm pretty down with tip #8, despite the redundant phrasing at the end of the sentence: "Tell her things you are imagining. Sexting what you are imagining creates a mutual image for both of you.")

Whatever. All this stuff, the blurry dick shots, the talk of "pussie," the photographic evidence of our most vulnerable and freaky selves is out there in the cloud for-fucking-EVER. On Facebook, for example, you can not only NOT delete sent emails after you realize they are ill-advised and cringey (I know this For A Fact, I am sorry to report) but Mark Zuckerberg, like, saves them (see above: for-fucking-EVER). I don't know why he does it. Maybe to bring out on slow days at his mansion as entertainment for his billionaire friends ("Look at the cooter on this one! WTF, are those feathers?"). Maybe to use to blackmail us all in the future at our own personal Worst Possible Time (Worst Possible Time, as determined by a complicated Google algorithm). Who knows?

Whichever the case, when our descendants, the computer overlords, send their archeologist pods to dig up the dregs of our society, they will have a hell of a lot to think about.

(image source)


Mike Caines said...

It would be super-funny if there was a site with home made pics.

Nice job writing--very entertaining.

Unknown said...

Great post. I could not agree more. The Tiger Woods sext was so creepy and grammatically infuriating. I was expecting so much more. More!! My husband and I don't sext. I have three kids. I can just visualize the situation going awry. Very awry!!

Unknown said...

ur so rite lol. it sux when ppl use bad spelling n grammar 2 txt naughty thingz.

Ouch. That hurt to type.

I have sexted before. And I'm picky. I make sure I'm happy with the photo before I send it.

Conversely, I have sexted with women who get it and women who don't. I love the female form, and would like to see the entire package portrayed in a sexy way.

Close up cooter shots, and only close up cooter shots don't work for me.

Give me the eyes, the legs, the breasts, the butt, the legs.

Give me the woman.


Unknown said...

My hubby, bless his heart, loves to send a dirty text when he's feeling frisky.

They anoy me to no end and do zilch for my libido, but it makes him feel good and it's amazing how a little ego stroking pays off for me later.

I figure if he can put in so much effort for me in bed, I can put in the effort for him out of it.

themajessty said...

Boobs almost always look fine, but the chances of sending a revolting coochie shot is like, a 100%. I have no idea how people do it.

Brian R. Christensen said...

I'm not sure what is worse, all this sexting going on, that there is an online guide on how to do it well, or that it happens so much we need a word for it.

I've never been the sender nor the recipient of anything resembling a sext, but I'll tell you this: If accompanied with bad writing, even a well-made picture of the hottest woman in the world would not be sexy to me, a pedantic writer and perfectionist.

I'm sure glad I reached adulthood before the advent of Facebook. I've put a few slightly embarrassing things on there, but nothing like the foolishness coming from millions of kids, who probably have no idea that data will be around for the rest of forever.

Nice article, Jill.

Kate W said...

A brilliant post! Reading it made me smile and laugh. Living the life I do, I see plenty of unpleasant nudity images which people (especially men) seem to think women find attractive. Seriously, if you're going to take a picture of your 'impressive' erection make sure there's not a beer can or remote control in view!!!! I love sexting but like you am a stickler for using appropriate language and grammar and avoid abbreviations at all costs!

Unknown said...

LOVE it, hon! Too funny and very, tragically true.

In my opinion, a penis is not a thing of beauty on its best day. So add in the mirror-shot in the dank bathroom along with the reflection of the flash and the dippy come-hither expression and I can see where you thought mug shot.

Betty Fokker said...

Now I am really, really concerned my cooter looks like a ham sandwich (I assume with alfalfa spouts on top?). Although it would explain Sweet Babou's snack attacks ...

in bed with married women said...

Mike Caines--Thanks, I feel I should get a big cut of the proceed when someone jumps on this.
Summer--I love how you're all irate that your expectation weren't met.
Idaho--Crap! I'll see if I can un-send those shots I sent to you...
Annabelle--that why you're a keeper.
Lemons Don't Make Lemonade--hahahahahahahahhahaha!
Brian--I know! Forever! Evidence! Yikes!
Kate W--What??! Why are you seeing all these unpleasant images? Please tell!
Tricia--True, though maybe i should cut some slacke. I guess there are logistical problems with taking your own nude pic
Betty--I'm sorry I wrote the whole ham sandwich comparison but it was lodged in my head and it had to be purged. but i now realize that i've only made it stronger.

Unknown said...

No... You have it WRONG.

Sexting to a woman is a whole art in itself.

Sexting to a man?... It's not hard. I only have to say something awkward like, "I know you know that I know you want me ;)" and it works. WHY?!

Jill Hamilton said...

Leila--I HATE being wrong! I am wrong about what...?

Kate W said...

I am a swinger (check out my blog). I receive messages from guys on a regular basis. Some of their profiles are an absolute joke. Perhaps I should post some snippets into my blog and call it 'how not to get a woman in to bed' What do you think?
Oh and PS just had a very sexy text from my husband so I'm off to serve lunch in the best way possible...wearing stockings and heels and not much else!!!!

Chloƫ said...

You've brightened my day.

Always loving the blog & smiling now. Mainly in a slightly cringe way though, remembering how I once went to message an ex-lover (a very good one, I should add!) via Facebook about something mundane like a film we'd once watched & Facebook being the marvellous machine it is popped up with the previous messages which had been sent & received. Sexting requiring much correction. I may send him the tips!

in bed with married women said...

Kate W.-- I am following now, based on your and your use of the term "bare arse."
Gwin--You've brightened my day as well!

in bed with married women said...

And this missive came via email from In Bed With Married Women Minister's of Science.

"The upshot of all this is that digital material does not fossilize well, even under the ideal anaerobic, mineral-rich conditions where these fuzzy cock shots can remain undisturbed for long periods of time.

Your Friendly, Neighborhood Science Czar"

Anonymous said...

Don't underestimate the hotness of sexting with people who write well!

Jill Hamilton said...

Update 9/20/16 This photo just got me temporarily banned from Facebook. This one! After six years of completely unacceptable photos.

Tom Medsker said...

Banned from Facebook?? WFT?? Was it your Zuckerberg comment?? How can we rectify this injustice?

Jill Hamilton said...

tom--thanks man. Maybe it was the zuckerberg thing, but it was supposedly the photo. i'm guessing someone who doesn't like my pretty obvious political views complained?? hate being silenced though. at least the email subscribers got it though. posting some of their comments below.

Jill Hamilton said...

Here are some comments that came in via email:

From G:
Jill you are so right. I am a man who is disgusted by the linguistic abilities of others. I have actually met men who think "I want to fuck you" is the height of chat-up lines. And then they get angry when the girls think they are drips.

Photographically they are in another world. They think their fat bellies and balding hair is the be-all of attractiveness. I have found women are very forgiving of men's physical abilities. They like someone who can express themselves properly. They also want someone who is good company and makes them smile. It is a shame that so many men are lacking these basic abilities.

here here!

And this from L:
At first blush, I figured "anal festooning" was a product of your literary creativity. How clever! And I imagined a butt hole with red, white and blue bunting, ribbons, maybe a few well-placed spangles, sequins and, why not, bright shiny beads coming out of it. But on the off-chance that this was more a product of the kind of extensive research you are so well known for, I decided to google it. Well, the second blush turned into an actual when I discovered anal festooning is a nasty old skin condition giving new meaning to "ring around the rosy." Interesting, though, when you look under images all kinds of other shit comes up and there was only one picture, probably from some medical paper delivered at a proctology conference in Toledo ["Let me bring your attention to this next slide..."] of what this looked like. I guess all the anal festoonish pics are still hanging around up there in the cloud waiting for gravity to bring them down in a proverbial shit storm when we least expect it.

I will be taking an umbrella out with me now and forever, just in case. Thanks for giving me another reason to be paranoid.

Love ya


Unknown said...

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade – You are correct. Cooch shots that look like they were inspired by a gynecological text book are not a turn on. This is a subject where photos need to be thoughtfully curated.

I suggest channeling your inner artist. Spend a little time contemplating this subject. You want your pic to be more than just another shot of Rumpled Slit Skin. Think about how adding something simple to the image elevates it into a narrative/story/fantasy. What kinds of things can transform your photo into a very sexy moment in time? Also, think about when can you achieve more by showing less. Remember that sexts are all about mindfucking.

And be thankful that you don’t have to bring your photos to a one-hour lab for processing before seeing the results.

Jill Hamilton said...

Jimmy Detroit, that is some sage %@#%, man.