Wednesday, October 21, 2015

"Women Happy Medicine"

I was Googling "sex patents" because -- well, I don't have a good reason for it --and came upon this enchanting piece of history, a 1930s Japanese sexual aids catalogue which purports to provide the "Key to the Sex Question." Whatever this "sex question" is, the answer seems to involve mysterious ointments, finger puppet-looking condoms and a variety of pointy marital aids. But I especially like it for the ad copy, which is charmingly poetic and, often, entertainingly non-illuminating as to what the product actually does.

Consider this:

The copy for the, well, whatever the hell those things are on the right, reads: "This is a blessing to men feel and get young by using this wonderful thing. We particularly recommend it to elderly men." Whatever "this wonderful thing" is (and from the sound of it, even the copywriter is unsure), it appears to come in Big Pointy style or Little Pointy style. I can't read the little booklet in the picture, but I presume it explains why a nice elderly man would want to festoon his wiener with bristles. As for me, if elderly penis is being presented to me, the addition of bristles isn't going to improve the situation. However, I welcome your hypotheses. (And, please know that if you possess elderly penis yourself, I'm of course not talking about your particular elderly penis.)

And speaking of bristles:

More spikes! Why so many spikes? Explains the copy: "If you this (on penis) and love her then she will never separate from you." Because, judging by the photo, she will be permanently impaled (on penis). Which I guess is would be the "unexplainable feeling to women" mentioned on page 6.

And, please, take a moment to enjoy the found poetry on this page:


"Age lady who has too big organ must use this then she will become condition of virgin."

"If you use this powder putting on female organ then will take off bad smell and increasing her organistic feeling very much."

It doesn't mention how you explain putting powder on your lady's female organ (note: "I'm taking off bad smell" will not go well for you) but "organistic feeling"? That sounds good, doesn't it? Yes, I know these products are overhyped, based on bad science and probably involve banned and/or highly flammable chemicals, but I find myself being lured by the bewitchingly odd prose. If I ever find myself back in 1930s Japan, I am definitely buying the Sexual Stimulants (only 2 yen!) because I am simply unable to resist this sales pitch: "A certain cream and tablets, if used, will make the whole business a real pleasure." And if the whole business can be a real pleasure and provide organistic feeling as well, then damn it, that's 2 yen well spent.


Anonymous said...

This answers my sex question.

Vapid Vixen said...

This made me want to clamp my legs together and never let go.

Betty Fokker said...

You know, when my friend told me she had a thing for Spike, I thought she meant the vampire from Buffy, but now I have to reevaluate my assumptions.

HSky said...

I didn't have a sex question, until I read this! Love it!

Anonymous said...

I laughed at most of this, but I'm sure I'll have nightmares about all those spiky things tonight.

Maya said...

That dildo-douche combo on page 2 is sort of neat...and it makes women, "...dream a happy dream.", so that's always nice.

themajessty said...

Wait. WHAT?

Those look like cacti.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and lavish some love on cucumbers. Which are like, non bristly.

Enid Wilson said...

I can see that you love doing research, of a peculiar kind. Good on you!

Every Savage Can Reproduce

Randy Focazio said...

The spike on the Penis, the non sepration, ouch all to true thougH. Once we are in we do not want to leavE. The Birth CAUL beckons us.

The Barreness said...

Ohhhh, they're Japaneeeese.

I was wondering where he got them.

Bloody military deployments.

How ya hangin', kitten?

I've missed this joint.

- B x